408: Are You Choosing or Just Responding? | Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 408.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and I'm so glad you're here today because this episode is one of those that I think is going to hit a little different. This is a Coaching Call episode, and if you've listened for a while, you know that these are some of my favorites to play because you get a little peek into the type of coaching that I do and how we get really deep. This is a real conversation that I had with a real client inside of our alumni program, Beyond MACROS 101, and you get to take a peek and hear the conversation that we had. So today you're going to meet Leah, and she started MACROS 101 back in March of 2020. She lost weight, she hit her goal, and then she kind of landed in this in-between place that I think you might recognize. She was tracking the scale, wasn't totally out of control. Things were mostly working, but at the same time, something felt off. She felt like she was constantly getting away with something, like she was playing outside the rules and just hoping that no one else noticed, including herself. And so here's what I love about this conversation. What looks like a macro problem on the surface, like a food and nutrition problem, is actually something so much deeper, and it is about the difference between responding to your life and actually choosing your life. And trust me, once you hear me lay this out in the conversation that I have with Leah, you're going to start seeing it everywhere. In your tracking, yes, but also in your relationships, your goals, you know, and in your everyday decisions. So without further ado, let's jump into that coaching conversation with Leah. 

Leah 02:26

Hi. 

Amber B 02:27

Hi.

Leah 02:30

Okay, so I have no, I actually, I'm one of those people that don't actually know what my question is going to end up being. 

Amber B 02:37

Great, we'll get there. 

Leah 02:38

But to start off, I started MACROS 101 in March of 2024, and I, so this is the way I kind of did it, is I essentially stayed in a “cut” until October when I hit my goal weight, which was maintaining between 150 and 155. And the reason I say, like, it wasn't an actual cut, because sometimes I'd hit my number, sometimes I'd go over. But it's still, the weight still went down slowly. And so it didn't really bother me at all. And I, and so I never actually executed a maintenance. After I hit my cut, or my goal, I kind of loosened up. And I was probably eating around 2200-2300 calories. 

Amber B 03:35

OK.

Leah 03:36

And so when I averaged out, because I was still tracking the entire time, when I averaged out the calories, that came to be about 22 to 23. And so I switched my target to those calories instead, thinking I'd be in maintenance. But my problem is, is when I targeted those calories, I'd still go over them, because I'd be like, Oh, hit them this day, this day, and then not this day. Like, I never actually, like, fully committed, I guess, is the, but it was working. So, you know, on one hand, I feel like I was doing something wrong. But at the same time, I'm like, it's working. So whatever, 

Amber B 04:15

You're getting away with it. 

Leah 04:16

Exactly. And so I've essentially just stayed at my cut calories since then, because if I, if I target those calories, then I can maintain for the most part, I mean, I actually am up higher now. And I should, I do want to go back into a cut and actually try to focus on it. But if I, if I target those lower calories, and I seem to be able to keep within the range, I guess, whereas if I target maintenance calories, then I give myself that much leeway on those. And so, you know, what you were saying with the, the being stuck in the stages you talked about earlier, like, I know, I'm stuck in stage two in the tracking, and I love tracking, like, it gives me the control I need. I am like this in all parts of my life. But I'm kind of like, I know, I'm kind of like in a perpetual half cut, I guess. And I don't, I just don't know what my next step is like, 

Amber B 05:23

I would, I would, first of all, I would argue, I don't think you're in a perpetual half cut. I see why you say that, because it sounds like you have some lower calories and some higher calorie days. But like, I look at that as like, what is your average calories over the week? And like, that isn't in a cut. Right? So I like if you look at it on a day-to-day basis, maybe you're in a cut sometimes and you're not in a cut, but I don't really care about that. Like the label would be on a weekly basis, are we in a deficit? If we're not, then we're not in a cut. 

Leah 05:56

OK.

Amber B 05:57

So again, I don't, I don't think we have to like, I think you're at maintenance, you're just, your maintenance looks a little bit different. It looks lower calories some days, higher calories other days. So my question is, is that a problem? Does that feel like a problem to you? And if so, why is it a problem? 

Leah 06:16

I think because I'm very, like I said, I still track because I love the control of it. And I don't, I mean, I guess I feel like it's a problem because I know it's not the correct way to do it. Like, I'm very much like a rule follower, A-plus student, you know, like I have to have these boundaries and I follow them. That's just how I've always been. 

Amber B 06:42

Okay. What if it is the correct way? Like who, who says what the correct way is? 

Leah 06:51

You.

Amber B 06:55

What’s the correct way. Okay, solved it. 

Leah 06:59

I see what you're saying.

Amber B 07:00

My point is, is that like macro counting is a tool and how you use it is very variable. And I think what may be the problem is, is that there's no intentionality behind it. 

Leah 07:11

Yes. Yes. 

Amber B 07:12

That it's happening. There's not choice behind the happening. So I will, I'll give you an example. When I did a cut, some of you guys followed my cut. It was like a year ago. I did a watch my cut where I did a six week cut and I like recorded everything. And I like showed the behind the scenes of like my whole experience and my whole cut. And one of the things that I chose to do on my cut was that I would have lower calories on the weekdays. And then I would intentionally increase my calories on the weekends. And I like, just, I just, that was the way that was going to like work for me in order to stay consistent. It was very intentional. Like I was very intentional that I lowered them on the weekdays and I increased them on the weekends. There was nothing just that like happening about it. It was a choice that I made in order to work alongside with my life. But I think that that is a very different experience than maybe what you're experiencing now, which is like, it's just happening. And I'm just going over on Sundays and I feel like I have to clamp down because I'm afraid of those days that I'm going to go over because it's not a choice. It's just happening.

Leah 08:07

Yeah. It's like my husband says he wants to go out for happy hour or something. I'm like, absolutely. Let's go. You know what I mean? Or we, I don't feel like cooking dinner. We're going out.

Amber B 08:17

So, so again, that's a choice. That's not just happening. I think in your mind, it's just like, well, that just happened. So I just have to like go along with it. But in that moment, it's still a choice of like, do I want to eat higher calorie or do I not? But I think you're kind of getting away from yourself and not making the choice and just letting it happen. So I'll give you an example. If that happened to me, let's say it's Thursday night. My husband's like, let's go out to happy hour. And I'm like, yes, I would really like to do that. What I would do is I would take my Saturday and I would buy higher calories around Saturday and I would apply them to Thursday and Saturday would be Thursday's calories. Like I would just switch them around, but I would be intentional about that choice. I would know that like by saying yes to going out on to happy hour on Thursday, Saturday, I'm going to have lower calories. And that's just a choice that I'm making in the moment. And I could choose to say, Hey, how about we do happy hour on Saturday? I could do that. Or I could do it on Thursday, just knowing that I'll have to switch my calories for Saturday. But you see how that's like, it's like me, not, it's like me making choices about how I want to do it. Not trying to frame it as like, whether I did it right or wrong. It's just like how I'm going to have my week play out.

Leah 09:19

Yes. Yes. That makes sense.

Amber B 09:20

I don't think that there's anything wrong as long as I will couch this. I will couch this with us as long as we're not in like a restrict binge cycle where we're like restricting and then binging and binging. Like if we're in that kind of cycle, I would take back what I'm going to say next. As long as we're not in that cycle, I don't think that there's anything wrong with having some days, lower calories and some days, higher calories. And just planning for that with the rhythms of life. And that's something that like works for you and your body's responding well to it. And mentally it's easier to manage to have some lower calorie days and higher calorie days. I think that can be a really great way to customize the tool to what works for you. I don't think it has to be a problem or that you're following the same macros every single day, you know, day in and day out. 

Leah 10:04

Yeah.

Amber B 10:05

So, that's one aspect. I wonder if underneath this is still a question of like can I commit and follow through on something? 

Leah 10:22

Yeah, I'm sure that's part of it. 

Amber B 10:24

Do you question your ability to be able to commit to something and do it? 

Leah 10:32

I think I I know I can because like I said that's, you know, I'm the rule follower, A plus student, whatever. So I know I can. But now that you're starting to say this, I'm almost wondering if it's just like, I don't know, like, maybe I haven't defined my reasoning for doing it enough. 

Amber B 10:54

Yeah, that's good.

Leah 10:55

Like, I love going out to eat. I love, you know, going out with my husband for happy hour. You know, those aren't things that I'm willing to necessarily give up. But I also want to, I would also like to, I don't know, I'm, I'm starting to think myself in circles. 

Amber B 11:20

Yeah, no, this is a really good conversation. Because I think anytime we set a goal, in order to attain that goal, that goal requires something of us. Like, so we set the goal, and now that goal is going to require something, we have to give up some, not give up, we have to like, there's something that's going to require to get to that goal. And then, and that's just what it is, right? That's, yes, that's the price you have to pay for the goal. Okay? Now you get to decide whether that is worth, whether that price is worth it. It's like a handbag. It's like, you're looking to buy a handbag, and you look the price tag, and you're like, do I want to pay that? Or do I not? And so when we set a goal, that goal requires something of us. And now we get to decide what it is that we're willing to put into that goal. And I often think about it in terms of like a teeter-totter of like, weighing what the cost is, like, what do I have to give up in order to get this goal? Do I have to give up happy hour? Do I have to give up going out to dinner? Do I have to give up? I don't know. And you don't always have to give those things up. But maybe you do. I don't know. It's like, what do I have to give up? And what do I gain from it? And then it's like a teeter-totter. Because if what you have to give up outweighs what you gain from it, it's not going to ever work. 

Leah 12:34

Yeah.

Amber B 12:35

We won't do that inherently. If it costs us more than we're gaining from the process, we're not going to do it. And so you have to kind of do this calculus of like, what am I giving up for this goal? What am I gaining for this goal? What do I get from it? And is what I'm getting bigger than what I'm giving up? And a lot of times I find people who are stuck in goals and not able to get it. It's because inherently they don't feel like they're getting very much from the goal and it's costing them a lot. And then they wonder why they are not making progress. Well, it's because that cost is way too high. And your brain is never going to get on board with something where it's like, well, this really sucks. The cost is super high and you're not getting a whole lot out of it. Why would you stay in something like that? So again, it's like the goal requires something of you. And then you get to decide if it's worth it to give that or not. What are you gaining from the experience? What are you losing? And how does that balance, balance out? I don't know if that offers anything for you as you start to think about this.

Leah 13:35

No, it does. It does. Um, I guess what I'm kind of thinking is, so I know, like, I mean, sometimes I'm willing to give, basically, I'm just kind of like living my life with no rules. And because I'm like targeting these lower calories, everything seems to be working out. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not going to say no to not going out to dinner or something. And I'm going to get what I want because I'm not going to pay, you know, $20 for a mediocre salad when they have like the best burger on the planet kind of, you know what I mean? 

Amber B 14:11

Yeah. 

Leah 14:11

So I don't know. I've, I think it kind of goes back to like, I just feel like I'm not doing it right. 

Amber B 14:21

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think, I think the reason that, that you don't feel great about it is because you feel like you're getting away with something. 

Leah 14:28

Yes. Yes. 

Amber B 14:29

Yeah. But what I'm offering is like, you're not like, if we can change that framework of like, there aren't rules that you're getting away from and just getting away with you not following the rules. That's not a very, like, it's not a very good feeling framework. In reality, like you're just making choices during the week. And sometimes you choose to lower calories or target lower calories because you know, on those days that you go over, like it balances out. But like what I'm saying is like, you're saying here's the rules and I'm playing outside of the rules. And I'm like, wait, what if the rules are just different than what you thought? 

Leah 15:05

Yeah. 

Amber B 15:06

What if the rules, those aren't the rules. Like whatever you're thinking are the rules are different rules. And the rules are just like over a week period of time, I'm targeting about 2,300 calories. 

Leah 15:15

Yeah. And that's a lot of fun. Yeah. 

Amber B 15:18

And so then you have flexibility within your days to go higher or lower. But the rule, if you want to rule is over a week period of time, I'm averaging 2,300 calories. That's the new game that you're playing. 

Leah 15:31

Yes. And I think by thinking of it in terms of the average for the week, instead of just like always trying to hit the 16 or whatever, I'm at like 1,700. And then if I go over, you know, whatever, like, I'll have the extra glass of wine, even if I'm already over, because I'm like, I want an extra glass of wine. And, you know, I know it'll balance out eventually kind of thing. I mean, I think it's kind of getting away from me. Because like I said, you know, my weight's kind of creeping up a little bit. I've had, you know, we just got back from spring break and had a girl's trip in there. And I don't track for that kind of stuff. You know, and that's another, I think the next step will be more moving into the trust and intuitive eating kind of thing. But yeah, I just, I like the idea of having the average.

Amber B 16:23

Now, what I will be very curious to see, Leah, and you'll need to pay attention to this, is when we change the rules of the game to the 2,300 calories a week, I'll be very curious to see how your brain deals with that. 

Leah 16:36

Yeah. 

Amber B 16:37

Because if that just becomes another rule that your brain wants to step outside of. 

Leah 16:42

And that's what I found with maintenance. 

Amber B 16:44

Then that is, that's a different conversation, right? Again, it's like, there is a difference between something just happening and you choosing for something to happen. And I think we've been getting away from yourself in not having yourself choose. In that moment, when your husband says, let's go out for happy hour, you're just responding without actually choosing. There's a difference between responding and choosing. Choosing is owning. Choosing is, I could choose not to go out to happy hour and here's what would happen. And here's, you know, the pros and cons of it. And I could choose to go to happy hour and here's the pros and cons of it. And then I make my choice. 

Leah 17:26

Yes. 

Amber B 17:27

That is very different than just responding and then just letting it happen and not actively making a choice about how you want to dictate your life. And so I think it's very natural and easy for us to get away from, I call it getting away from ourselves of where we don't actively choose because then we feel like we're off the hook with the consequences. That's why we do it. Yes. If I don't actively choose it, then I don't like somehow I'm getting away from the consequences that happened from that choice. But the truth is you never get away from the consequences, even if you don't choose them or not, you just feel worse about the experience. 

Leah 18:01

Yes. That’s a 100%.

Amber B 18:03

So there's something about choosing and owning and following through and having the consequences that feel still feels empowering versus not choosing. You still get the consequences, but now we just, it feels terrible. Okay. So that's what I want you to pay attention to is when you go to this new rule, does your brain still try to get away from it? And if so, then it has nothing to do about the rules and everything to do about if you're making choices in those moments and how can you push yourself in those moments to actively choose and not just allow that to happen? 

Leah 18:31

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. I hadn't, I think I've, I've thought that kind of like, it's part of like the spinniness of my brain. It's kind of like come up, but I've never actually been able to like put it into like the whole scenario.

Amber B 18:47

Yeah. Yeah. So that's what I would, that's what I'd be paying attention to. Just pay attention to your brain of how it tries to navigate that and how it, if it tries to justify it or maybe like just rewriting the rules will be a game that you actually want to play. You know, you're currently, you're playing a game that you kind of hate, but maybe this will be a game that you would like to play and everything will be fine. You just got to pay attention to how your brain responds to it.

Leah 19:07

Yeah. Well, and if it's, if I'm just targeting the weekly average, like you said, if it's, you know, higher, or if it's, we decided to go out to dinner one day, then I can like kind of pull that and keep an eye on the overall target versus like keep targeting this lower and just watching myself go over and be like, hey, whatever. We'll make, we'll make it work later.

Amber B 19:27

Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly right.

Leah 19:28

No, that's okay. That makes a ton of sense to me. 

Amber B 19:31

Hey, thanks for your question.

Leah 19:33

Thank you. 

Amber B 19:34

Yeah. Okay. Wasn't that such a good conversation? I love Leah for being willing to share so openly, because I know that many of you probably heard yourself today in her story. And here's what I want you to walk away with. You are making choices every single day, whether you realize it or not. The question becomes, are you making them intentionally? Are you making them with your eyes wide open, owning the outcome, owning the consequences, or are you just responding and then trying to get away from yourself and hoping the consequences don't catch up to you? The problem is, is they always do, right? You cannot make a choice without the consequences. And even if you don't make a choice, that is also a choice. When you step into that place where you are actively choosing your life, even the indulgent choices, even, you know, happy hour on a Thursday, even choosing the burger instead of a salad, those choices feel completely different because you own it. And that is where the real power lies. 

If this episode resonated with you, I would love it if you share it with a friend who needs to hear it or leave a review on iTunes or Spotify or whatever platform you're living, you're listening on. It's very helpful when you go and leave those reviews. It helps other people know that the podcast is worth a listen. And I always love it when you guys share your insights on Instagram and tag me at bicepsafterbabies. I love seeing your takeaways. And if you want support in building this kind of intentional, flexible approach to your nutrition, come check out MACROS101 at bicepsafterbabies.com/M101. That's bicepsafterbabies.com/M101. All right. That's a wrap for today. Now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.

Outro

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