357: A People Pleaser Learns To Say “No” with Anna Woolf [“I Did It” Series]

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 357

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke. And on today's episode, we're diving into one of my favorite topics, which is the ripple effect of macro counting. So many people think that macro counting is just, I don't know, this thing that you do. You just track your food and count your macros. But what I have seen from so many of my clients is that macro counting and specifically coming and joining MACROS 101 becomes this ripple effect that impacts so many other areas of your life. And my guest today, Anna, is a MACROS 101 alumni. And she is here to share her story of transformation, not just in her nutrition and her fitness, but in how she views herself and how she shows up in her own life.  

So Anna is a mom of four. She's a Juilliard-trained dancer, which is quite a big deal. And she's a dance teacher who has always loved being active. Obviously, you can't be a dancer and not love movement and being active. But like so many of us, she found herself a little bit lost in her identity after having kids. And through joining MACROS 101, Anna really rediscovered herself and learned how to approach her goals with kindness, with intention, and with, and these are her words, with empowerment. And so in this episode, Anna opens up about some of the messaging she grew up with, why it was a little bit hard for her to find something sustainable, and then how the concept of really trusting her body completely shifted her perspective. And she also shares why macro counting became the perfect fit for her and her lifestyle and how really embracing that idea that I talk about so often in MACROS 101, this idea of becoming a macro scientist really helped her find that lasting success. We talk a lot about being a people pleaser, and that's something that I know a lot of listeners struggle with, a lot of the women that I coach struggle with. And we really dove into what it means to be a people pleaser and how Anna has learned to kind of move away from that identity and move into a new identity. 

So if you've ever felt like you're a people pleaser, or you struggle to say no to things or other people, or you are struggling to figure out how to make something sustainable, like long lasting, sustainable changes, or you feel like you struggle with having an identity outside the identity of motherhood, this conversation is going to hit home for you. And Anna's story really is proof that transformation is possible when you stop chasing those quick fixes, and you start really building the habits that will actually work for you. Let's dive into the episode with Anna. 

Amber B 03:25 

Welcome to the podcast, Anna. So glad to have you here.  

Anna Woolf 03:29 

Thank you. Thank you for having me. Pleasure 

Amber B 03:31 

I'm very excited to chat with you because you want to chat about my very favorite thing, which is like the ripple effect of macro counting. So we're going to get into that teaser alert. We're going to get into that, but I want to start with just a little bit of introduction. Tell us a little about you, a little about who you are. Who's Anna?  

Anna Woolf 03:51 

Okay. So I am a mother of four and I am a dance teacher and I love to be active. I've always been active. I actually got a degree in dance.  

Amber B 04:08 

I would say this is the opportunity to brag about yourself a little bit. You’re not just a dance teacher. 

Anna Woolf 04:10 

Okay. Well I graduated from Juilliard. 

Amber B 04:15 

Yeah, that’s kind of a big deal. 

Anna Woolf 04:17 

With my bachelor's in dance. And so I lived in New York City for a period of time, met my husband there. He had a career in music, I had a career in dance. It was the best place to be when you're young and married.  

Amber B 04:31 

I love it.  

Anna Woolf 04:33 

And then I had kids and moved out of the city. And so it's still like a very much a part of who I am. And, you know, of course, being a parent, like you move in and out of identity and there's a lot of identity shifts. And so kind of actually, there was some breakthroughs even among MACROS 101 where I was all right, that's me. I'm still in there. It's still a part of me. So there was some nice things about that. But yeah, so I still use my degree and I teach and I do whatever dancing I can on the side, but I'm primarily stay at home mom, which I do love. 

Amber B 05:25 

I love that. Yeah. And I think we'll get deeper into that. But I mean, I think there's so many women who are listening who can relate to that of maybe having a very clear sense of self in your early twenties when it's just you and you don't have to take care of anybody else. And then all these babies come along and now you're very solidly in that mom role and maybe feel like you lose a little bit of that identity as you step into that role and rediscovering and reintegrating and realizing that just because your mom doesn't mean you have to also lose who Anna is, is a big deal. And so I will definitely dive more into that, but I want to, I want to kind of talk to you. How did you find me? How did you find macro counting? And then what made you take the leap to coming and joining MACROS 101?  

Anna Woolf 06:07 

Um, I found you through a podcast. Um, I had listened to she's like going out into Instagram world, of course, that part of my journey of like finding you was like, okay, I need to find a mom who has it together. Who's fit. And she can tell me what to do, you know? And so I find all these, find all these Insta moms and I'm like, okay, let's see what she's got a podcast. Let's see what she says. And so I was actually, it was an interview with another podcaster that I heard you. And I was like, whoa, this is, she's like science-based. She's got, um, there's a little more to it. Like I can't even remember what the podcast was about, but there was something, um, underlying that felt more thoughtful, more, more be like just beyond the fitness, beyond the nutrition. And so, um, I jumped on your podcast and it felt so settling. It felt so informative that, um, there was more to it, meatier, um, without, without losing any heart or like, um, I don't know, it felt like rah, rah, go women. And I was really excited about that. And, um, and then you offered a, oh, and then with macros, that was kind of like, uh, you know, again, I heard about macros. I feel like it became pretty, um, you know, snappy. Everybody was mentioning it. 

And, um, I think I picked up a book and read about it a little bit and experimented with what that would look like in my body if I were to, um, I have family that did like keto and they lost all this weight and we're feeling so good. And, um, like, oh, I'll just, I'll do low carb. I wasn't ready to give up carbs completely. I'm admittedly. Um, and so I tried that and it worked great. Like I did feel good. Um, and then I had my fourth baby, surprise, surprise. And it was definitely surprised baby. Um, and there, and just trying to jump back on that again, it was not, it didn't feel right. Like I was like, I don't think I can do that again. Like, great. I had results for a little bit, you know, for three or four months or something. And then it just, there seemed like there was just something that didn't, I couldn't, I couldn't quite fathom giving up like a fruit for the rest of my life or a vegetable or just one ingredient. And so, um, so anyway, then that, that overlaps into some other, um, macro counting. And then you started talking about macro counting and macro scientists. And actually the macro scientists part didn't come until you provide, you offered a challenge and I was all for it. And it was the, after that challenge, um, it was the challenge again, the challenge wasn't just about the, the macro counting. It was about, um, trusting yourself and listening to your body and growing up as a dancer. Like I always felt like I do know my body, like my body, like I'm intuitive. Like I, I know how this machine works for the most part. And so, um, it, I appreciated hearing that, uh, confirmed that yes, as women, we, we know our body, we know our body. And even though we have a body, each time we go through having a baby, like the puberty baby, perimenopause, menopause, all those things, like we, we are probably more in tune than we might have credit or the world wants to give us credit for. But, um, um, yeah. So hearing that and being empowered to be at macro scientist, um, was just like, it felt so good. It felt home. It felt reaffirming, um, empowering. Yeah. All that.  

Amber B 10:15 

I love that. I love that. So when you were, when you joined, what were you hoping to get out of the experience? Like, what were you looking for in that process?  

Anna Woolf 10:25 

Um, control number one, I, I was, I was definitely of that, um, category of like, there's so many more people that, you know, I got wrapped up in looking at what other people were doing and trying to mirror what they were doing. Cause obviously what they're doing is going to apply to me. It's going to work for me. Right.  

Amber B 10:46 

It works. I should just do exactly what they're doing.  

Anna Woolf 10:48 

One size fits all. Um, but, um, just being so confused and rattled by it, just like I, and then feeling like broken, but I knew I wasn't, I knew that I wasn't broken, but I felt like everything I was trying wasn't working. So, so something had to change and I knew I needed, I needed guidance and it was the, it was the coaching option of the coaching rather than just the, here's your macros, try it out. Let's see what happens. Oh, that didn't work. Here's your macro. Let's see that. Let's try it. What happens? You know, that kind of back and forth. Um, it was, yeah, I was hoping that I would be more, um, able to kind of experiment and then be coached on how to deal with, deal with those results with the data. 

Amber B 11:40 

Yeah. Yeah. It's so good. And I really think it's easy to feel broken if you're trying to follow what works for other people. I mean, it's like, it's like, if you're going on and trying on the clothes in someone else's closet and they don't, they don't look great on you, they don't fit you. And then you feel bad about yourself or it's like, you're just going to someone else's closet. Of course those aren't going to work exactly for you. And I think that's the mistake that a lot of women make is they just jump from diet to diet thinking all the solutions out there. And I just have to try, you know, enough clothes or whatever, try enough diets. And one of them is going to work for me. And I think what you're saying is this realization that you have, I think this comes with a little bit of age and maturity and experience is like, like that's the secret isn't out there. The secret is how do I make this work for me? How do I apply concepts and, and, um, you know, science and, and tactics, but in a way that feels good for me and my body. And I love the point that you made that like, as a dancer, yes, you have to be so in your body to dance well. And you know what your body feels like, you know, like all these aspects about your body, but maybe this was like this missing piece of feeling like, yeah, I don't know this part about my body yet.  

Anna Woolf 12:44 

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and like, I, I had, you know, everybody does their best and we all have our examples that we grew up with and there was growing up in the dance world, especially like not the best examples. There's a lot of body dysmorphia, of course, that comes with that and eating disorders. And I was able to kind of stay away from it for the most part. I came from a very supportive, healthy family, but even then, like my mom is subject to diet culture, like everybody. And I didn't grow up with it. I didn't grow up with any knowledge of really, uh, giving my body the nutrition that it needed to perform. Well, like I just, my, like I saw, I remember at school, like a friend of mine lived off of pomegranates and diet Coke. And I was like, well, it seems to work for her. And I tried it. I was like, that was stupid. Pomegranates diet Coke. Anyway, but you know, it's just kind of like these things that you just you're 18 and immature on your own and you're just trying to figure it out. But, um, yeah, like that. Um, yeah. Yeah. Just interesting. 

Amber B 13:54 

What was the most surprising part of your journey? So you came and you joined MACROS 101 and you started getting into the content and the coaching. What surprised you about it? 

Anna Woolf 14:07 

Um, the thing that surprised me the most, I think was just how empowering it was over and over again. It was confirmed how much I was in the driver's seat again. And again, that like, I, I have what it takes. It's inside me. I know I do. There's a lot that I know about myself. Um, I think there's a lot of programming to always second guess yourself or to look outside yourself. And I totally was susceptible to that. And I think through some of the questions of that, your big Why or breaking down, like what you really value, um, those, those, uh, exercises, um, helped me to kind of reaffirm like, Oh no, I, that's always been, it's always been a part of me. Like I just, I just haven't had it. I haven't given my chance, a chance myself, a chance to like really sit and sit with it and think about it. Um, yeah, just, just the confirming of, I am empowered.  

Amber B 15:13 

So good. You mentioned something too about when, um, I talked about how you don't have to justify your wants.  

Anna Woolf 15:19 

Oh my gosh. Yeah.  

Amber B 15:20 

Can you share a little bit about that experience? 

Anna Woolf 15:22 

That was, that was so exciting. I like was on a high for like a week after that. Cause it literally, like I was listening to listening to, uh, kind of while I was walking around putting laundry away or something. And I, I literally stopped in my tracks and I was like, wait, what? I don't have to just like, I had to stop and like, listen, I was doing a, like a re re listen to it. And, um, it just like, okay. Okay. That's right. That makes so much sense. Like why I don't, I don't have to justify, I can just want something and I want this, this is what I want. And, um, it seemed to kind of, that actually, that might've been like a jumping off point to like think a little bit bigger. Um, then just, I want to fit in Jean, you know, kind of thing. Like it, it, it propelled me into thinking broader. Like I want this in my relationship. I want this in my family dynamic. I want this in my physical goals. I want to, you know, maybe I want to go build my muscles and, uh, be like a bikini model. I don't know. Like I just kind of was like, let's just brainstorm. Let's go hog wild. Let's see what we can really aspire to instead of settling because I want it. And that was, that was fun. 

Amber B 16:46 

That's so good. Um, it was fun even just listening to you talk right now. So the whole concept that I was teaching was that you don't have to justify your wants. You can just want something because I want it. And that's it. Like the end of story. And as you were talking, um, I don't know if you guys could hear it on the audio, but like you lit up like your body mannerisms, like your voice, like everything about you just like lit up and there was an excitement behind it. And what I want to point out is that is the power of desire. That is the power of, I want this thing and desire, and it brings with it this energy. And I think a lot of women, especially we've kind of talked about this as you navigate into motherhood and you start giving up a lot of your desires to raise these little people and pour into them that we forget what it feels like to want something and desire something and feel that spark and that passion in us. And when we can get it back a little bit, it is like this light and this excitement of going after what we want. And I think that can be such a shift for us to go after something because it's what we want rather than we think we should go after it or we have to go after it or if we don't go after it, nobody's going to like us or our spouse is going to be attracted to us. Right. The energy going after our goal with that energy is very different than the energy I just saw from you, which like was an energy of passion and an energy of desire. And that's why it's okay to just want something just because you want it because it creates that energy to create your life the way that you want to create it. 

Anna Woolf 18:10 

Yeah. Yeah. That momentum to like keep it does. It's like momentum that keeps propelling you forward, that forward motion. Um, and it's like, it's even, it even like overlapped into some of the mundane stuff in my day where I'll be looking at, you know, my line there just kind of half awake and I hear my kids playing and I think I should go play. I'm like, well, I don't have to, but I want to, so I'm going to get up and you know, it was actually energizing, whether it was like five minutes or 10 minutes, but it was enough that it was allowed me to like, I I'm choosing this then a, uh, compulsory kind of situation. 

Amber B 18:54 

Because where that choice comes, Matt makes all the difference, right? The difference between I should go play with my kids. So I'm going to go play with them. Huh? You know? Yeah. No, no, I don't, I don't have to go play with them. I want to go play with them. I'm choosing to go play with like, there's an energy behind that and it, it can make all of the difference in, in how you experience of it. You're going to have a much more enjoyable experience when you feel like I'm choosing this versus I have to do this or someone's forcing me to do this.  

Anna Woolf 19:21 

Yeah, absolutely.  

Amber B 19:23 

I'm curious what, as you went through the process, what were some of the internal beliefs or the values you kind of had to deconstruct or make space for this new way of thinking or this new way of being or this new way of showing up in your journey?  

Anna Woolf 19:38 

What you had mentioned, but what we've kind of just talked about of the shooting all over yourself of what kind of doing what you're expected. Um, also like the people pleasing, I am a hundred percent people pleaser.  

Amber B 19:53 

Can you describe to us what you mentioned that your people pleaser, what has that change or deconstruction look like? Like, do you have any examples that you can think about of, of ways that you've shown up that you used to show up when it came to trying to please other people or make people like you or make people be okay with you and how maybe that's a little bit different now as you stepped into this new way of being?  

Anna Woolf 20:16 

I think saying no to things is probably the most, the biggest example I have of, um, trying to escape that sort of people pleasing and sitting with the discomfort of like, they're not okay, but I'm okay. And I can't take on what they're doing right now. And I, it's, it's, this is awful and I hate this, but it's going to be okay. And, um, um, it'll, it'll resolve with time. And if not, then we'll discuss it. But like, I just, I can't, I can't sacrifice myself right now.  

Amber B 20:55 

And how did you coach yourself through that? Because, because what I hear you say is very common. It was like, I used to be a people pleaser. I used to just say yes to everybody. Cause I wanted everybody to like me and I wanted to do everything for everybody else. And I really had the realization that that wasn't good for me and that I was doing that maybe from a place that wasn't super healthy. And so I decided to sit in the discomfort of saying no, or maybe saying something that I knew wasn't going to make the person happy, but that's uncomfortable. Like, yeah, this is really uncomfortable. So how did you in the discomfort, like, what did you say to yourself? How did you coach yourself? Cause someone's listening to this and they're like, yeah, I know I need to say more, but like, it's so uncomfortable that they can't, can't get themselves to do it. So how did you do that?  

Amber B 21:34 

Um, I think it's so much easier for me. So I kind of would look at that person and be like, this is hard for you. And this is hard for me. This is a difficult moment, but we can give each other grace. I think it was just kind of like, if I can give myself grace, I can give you grace. And although it's uncomfortable for me, it must be uncomfortable for you. And we're just like, we're in this together. There was something like about offering grace and, um, it's a lot easier for me to, for all of us, I think, to just kind of be like, I can offer this to you. I can give you grace. I can, um, but I'm also like, but then I don't know, like this reciprocal kind of grace, get this back and forth. 

Amber B 22:22 

Yeah. Well, and what I also hear in your answer is you named it, you like named the discomfort. And I think there's, um, a lot of power gets taken away from something when we can name it and just put it out there that like, this is uncomfortable. Uh, and then what you also said is that you were just very clear on what, this is what I can give. And this is what I can't, this is what I can't give. And I think that's very different than like, no, all the time. No, I can't ever do anything. It's like, you were just very present with like, I'm able to give X, Y, and Z. I am unable to give A, B and C. So then it's, it's more reciprocal. It's like, I'm trying here. I'm giving what I can, but I'm not giving beyond what I can, which is what a people pleaser would do is they will extend themselves further than they really can or should in order to please someone else at their own expense.  

Anna Woolf 23:08 

Well, and like, it feels so genuine. I don't know, like there were times where I was like, I could, I could say this. It would, it would make them feel better.  

Amber B 23:15 

Make them happy. 

Anna Woolf 23:16 

Make them happier. 

Amber B 23:17 

It would make me miserable.  

Anna Woolf 23:18  

Yeah. I would, I would pause and I'm like, but I wouldn't be genuine. And that would, yeah. So, um, that I do remember in that specific situation, like it just was like, how, but it's not me. I can't do that. You know? So yeah.  

Amber B 23:33 

I love that. I love that your focus is on being genuine or, or just set another way. It was like being honest, because I think that's the tricky thing about being a people pleaser is it's inherently dishonest in that you're just going around responding to people in a way that you think will make them happy, not from a genuine, honest place. And so it's a little bit of that commitment of being honest about, no, I can't do that before. I would have just said I can, and I would try to figure it out and I would run myself into the ground. But like, if I'm being honest with myself, I really can't do, I don't have the capacity. I don't have the time. I don't have the energy, whatever it is. You don't have to explain yourself, but like it is like, it's just, it's coming from this genuine place. And that's always going to be a winning place to come from. So good. Okay. Yeah. Last question for you. If you had somebody who maybe your friend is like starting a weight loss journey or starting on their own macro counting journey, what advice would you give to them? 

Anna Woolf 24:30 

Do, do, do it out of kindness. Don't do it too out of guilt or shame, or I like the, I should statement like you, um, the fact that you're self-aware of, you know, something that you want and you desire is so amazing. And that, that is a great place to be and focus on the good focus on the things that you have accomplished. Um, and just be kind to yourself. This is an act of kindness.  

Amber B 25:04 

It's fantastic. It's awesome. Thanks so much for coming on the podcast and sharing your story. I really appreciate it. 

Anna Woolf 25:09 

Oh, thank you, Amber. My pleasure.  

Amber B 25:11 

Such a good conversation. I really appreciated Anna being able to, willing to come on and just share so openly and willingly from her heart. If you're wanting to come and join us inside of MACROS 101, I highly recommend getting on the interest list. You can go to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist, and you'll be the first to know when we open up doors to that program so that you can come in and get some of the transformational coaching that really changed things for Anna in her journey. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber. Now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do everything. 

Outro

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