Here’s another Coaching Call inside MACROS 101 with Ellie. Listen to how I coach Ellie through the question of whether alcohol can be a part of a successful weight loss plan and help her understand the root causes of her self-sabotaging behavior. Let’s dive in!
Find show notes at bicepsafterbabies.com/276
- Identifying self-sabotaging behavior (03:05, 04:32)
- Moving away from a place of judgment (05:26, 06:19)
- Importance of aligning actions with desires and making long-term decisions (10:24, 11:06)
- Drinking alcohol as a form of relaxation (15:02, 15:29, 15:45)
- Alternative relaxation techniques (18:39, 21:02, 22:14)
You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 276.
Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.
Hey, hey, hey! Welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke. And today we have a Coaching Call replay for you. Every once in a while I like to bring on these coaching calls on to the, the podcast because as you will listen to this coaching conversation that I have with Ellie, you are going to see the value in listening to somebody else get coached, because the things that I coach Ellie on are likely things that maybe you struggle with, you've had questions about or you've seen pop up in your journey and you'll see as I coach Ellie through the question that she's going to pose that you're going to be able to get a lot of value out of that and hopefully be able to apply it to your journey. So one of the questions that, that Ellie asked today and that we're going to go through in this coaching conversation is around self-sabotage and specifically self-sabotage as it relates to drinking alcohol and this is a question that I get a lot, can you drink alcohol and be successful? Can you drink alcohol and count macros? Can alcohol be a part of your plan and still lose weight? So this is a question that I get a lot and you're going to hear as we go through this conversation that, that nuance and the, you know, the intricate answer to that question, right? It's not as just as flat as like, yes or no, but there's a lot of layers to that question and you'll see me dig down deep with Ellie on what is causing her to drink and where that's coming from. And some of the, the things that she's collapsing down that is causing this self-sabotaging behavior to happen. Now that's not to say that drinking alcohol is always a self sabotaging behavior. Absolutely not. But in this instance, you'll hear that it was and you'll hear how I coach her through coming to a, a moment of clarity on, on the drinking alcohol, and as it relates to her, in her journey. So I'm really excited for you to listen to this Coaching Call that I took from inside of MACROS 101.
MACROS 101 is currently closed, but if you are interested in getting on the waitlist for the next time we open up the round, you can go to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist and I will let you know when we open up the next round and you too can be able to receive coaching like this. All right, let's jump into it.
Amber B 02:58
Amber B 03:00
How are you?
I'm doing wonderful. Thank you. How are you doing?
Amber B 03:03
Awesome, I'm doing really good. How can I help?
My question today I've been diving into Module 3 All About Self Sabotage. I feel like it's very much speaking to me. I am, my question really is geared around self-sabotaging and what am I doing, because I'm, I'm not doing things right, right now, even though I am on that spiral little staircase. And it totally was an aha moment for me on that spiral staircase. That's me. All of my little lessons keep coming back to me and I, I'm stuck feeling like I have a big lesson to learn right now and I don't know how to learn loving this process very much. I love counting macros. I really do. I’m really trying to get into the planning. But at the end of the day, I'm, I'm a pound up from where I started and the scale is now moving and I'm, you know, every day I'm like, OK, Ellie, you know, you know what you did wrong yesterday and why can't I? You know. I keep telling myself to show up for myself and I do in a lot of areas and, and then I don't wear that, that simple thing of that caloric deficit I'm struggling. I'm supposed to be in a cut and all I want to do is be in maintenance.
Amber B 04:32
Awesome. I would love to dive into this with you, so one of the things when we start talking about self-sabotage, that's really important in being able to illuminate what's going on because oftentimes, like you said, it's like I, I see the fruits, I see what's happening, but I don't know what's causing it. Like we're trying to discover, what's the root cause of me struggling to stay in this caloric deficit and one of the best ways to be able to start to identify that is to be as specific as possible. So, oftentimes we can say like, well I'm just self-sabotaging but like, that's not very specific and it's really hard to like look through that. So what I would love the permission to do with you is to get very specific with how this is specifically manifesting for you. What does that actually look like? Do you have an experience or something that we can work through where like this is an example of what I'm talking about where I say I'm going to do something and then I don't do it? Or I say this is how it's gonna go and then it goes differently. Do you have an experience that we can work through together?
Yeah, and and this keeps coming up for me. It came up on a, on a Coaching Call before too, is I, I do really saw it throughout the day and I'm plugging in my numbers and doing really good and I'm I'm at the point where sweet of that 350 calories left and so much, you know, my macros to eat and I've got a solid dinner sitting in front of me. And I want those glasses of wine. I mean, that's, that's my and, and it's even. You know an hour or two before bed, and I'm still going. Ellie, you don't need the wine, right? And the wine obviously sometimes leads to a little bit overeating as well, too. Like maybe I'll have a bowl of cereal with that. So then I don't give the lovely effect of the wine and it's just pretty consistent, even though I'm just. I you know. I'm just. I know I need to say no and I don't say no and I'm wondering why I don't say no.
Amber B 06:19
OK, so this is fantastic. It's gonna be really great to, to work through and it's gonna be really helpful for a lot of people who are listening because this is a very classic pattern that a lot of times we fall into that actually creates only more self-sabotage and that is, so one of the, one of the concepts that I present fairly early on in MACROS 101 but that reappears over and over again is this idea of judgment, it’s this idea of when we judge something as bad or wrong, or, you know, not the way I'm supposed to do things we do that in an effort oftentimes to distance ourselves from it, to try and prevent ourselves from doing it. But what happens is by creating that judgment by creating that like label of bad, instead of us being pushed away from it, we are actually drawn to it. It's just like a teenager where you tell a teenager, don't go date that boy like, that girl wants nothing more than to go and date them right. It's like what we tell ourselves, we cannot have or is bad or wrong only draws us to it more and so it was interesting as I was listening to some of the language that I was hearing used to describe this, it was very solidly in that I do, really good, right. So again, that label of judgment I do really good throughout the day. And then I, you know, get to the night and then I want this glass of wine. I need to say no, I don't say no. Right. So noticing the language that you're using around this is like this is good drinking, the glasses of wine is bad. I, I need to say no, but I don't want to and it sets up this, this back and forth that so many of you listening are like experience on the regular. It's like I should say no, but I don't want to. I need to not drink a glass of wine, but I really want the glass of wine like I should be, you know I should track my macros but I don't want to and then it, it's like you're fighting between yourself. Like I should do this, I don't want to, but I should do it, but I don't want to and since that's both you, you always lose, right? You always lose because you're fighting against yourself. And then there's, it's a losing situation and so, so then the question becomes, well, what's the solution? How do, how do we, how do we work through this? And one of the steps we're going to talk through a couple of steps and things that you can start to implement start to work through. One of the steps is moving from a place of judgment, moving away from a place of judgment and so this is the idea of like becoming the scientist, it’s moving away from a place of judgment. You, you don't need to say no to a glass of wine. Having a glass of wine isn't bad. But as long as you keep telling yourself I need to not, I need to not do it. I need to not drink it. It's bad. I shouldn't do it. I shouldn't, it shouldn't be, it's not gonna help me reach my goals. Like all of that, that inner dialogue, that inner conversation is actually creating, creating the very reality that you don't want, which is to drink the wine. So it's paradoxical, but by releasing that judgment, pulling back on that judgment, reframing that it will actually make you less likely to want to do it. What do you think?
Yeah, I mean, I, I just that, that, that language piece is, is huge that I've learned from you too. And, and I apply another places and then I forget about where I'm really staying at the most. And I'm like I need to do laundry. I could do laundry, right? Those beating yourselves up about things. So I I think about those in those kinds of. And not necessarily where it's hurting me the most. Yes, agreed.
Amber B 09:55
I'm really curious. Do you fit a glass of wine into your day? Do you plan for it?
No, I haven't been.
Amber B 10:03
Have you ever done that?
I haven't been. No.
Amber B 10:06
And then. Because then I again. I'm just hoping I can try harder, right? I can try harder. Even though all the things you tell, like I, I don't want to fit ice cream into my day. But my, your ice cream is my want.
Amber B 10:23
But I. I make everything else a priority of like I, you know, I I don't hold back, right? I, I very much try to follow the no good or bad eating, I, if I want what I want and I fit it in my macros and I do that. But one thing I can get better at is, is that pre-logging, that pre-tracking when I do it. It's great. But then I don't always find the time to do it as well, and so I find myself scrambling and doing really good throughout the day. And then yeah, I get to the end and, and think why, why would I want to fit something into my day that doesn't necessarily make me feel good the next day? You know, so I, I go that route, too.
Amber B 11:06
This is a great question. I mean, so this is a great question because I'm not telling you, you should drink wine or you shouldn't drink wine. That's not the question. The question is, do you want to? Is that something that you want to align your actions with, like what you actually want and so I give this example of, of the chocolate cake, but it can work absolutely in this example as well as like, you, I could take two different days and I could have one day where Ellie doesn't drink wine at night and I have another day where Ellie doesn't drink wine at night. But if I'm looking into your thoughts and into the way that you make that decision in this situation, it's what has been happening. It's like I shouldn't drink wine. I need to say no. I need to not do it. And, and you don't do it. OK, so it's like I what I see in my eyes is like the exact same experience, but like the inner dialogue is very different from over here, where it's like I would like to drink a glass of wine but I know from experience, I don't actually feel really good tomorrow. So while I want the glass of wine right now then when I'm thinking ahead, I don't actually really want it, because tomorrow I want to be on my game and I know I always feel like a little hungover when I drink wine, so, I'm going to choose to not drink a glass of wine not because I couldn't, not because it's bad, not because I don't like it, I shouldn't, but because I'm making a long term decision. And like this is the decision I'm making. The choice is the same. You didn't drink the wine, but can you see how those experiences create a completely different context of what you're working through. And so the goal, the goal isn't to drink wine or not drink wine. That's not the goal. The goal is for you to align your actions with what you really desire. What you really want and to leave the judgment out of it if you want the glass of wine.
Amber B 12:58
Plug it in. Drink it. Enjoy that bad boy like like can you imagine sitting down, Ellie and being like I pre logged this wine into my day got this glass isn't it gonna taste like so much better? Then, if you're like drinking it and. You're like, oh, I shouldn't be doing, I feel so much guilt. Oh, man, I'm the worst. I'm never going to be successful. Like, what if you just sat down, like freaking I'm so excited about this. Like, this is me with an ice cream. So I'm just, like, putting myself into you, just like me with an ice cream. It's like I'm so excited I don't have to tell any guilt about this, I can eat this ice cream. I can enjoy it. It tastes so much better when I like it's part of my plan and I can, like, sit down and enjoy it. How would that be experience be different for you, if you could get to that place?
No, I, I think it'd be, I think it'd be great. I mean, I again, next day I've already chosen I shouldn't drink tonight. But at the end of the day, too, I'm, soon as I finish this, I'm parking that damn glass wine in too. But then it goes back to your, your serial podcast that you did, which I absolutely love that one don't remember the, the number of it, but to where I feel like it will become this. I plug it in and want to enjoy it and then really that reality is what I this is not getting me to my goal.
Amber B 14:12
This glass of wine truly is not getting me to my goals, because I, because it, it really is part of my big why and then I want to feel good and it does not make me feel good.
Amber B 14:23
OK. OK so…
You know, why, why do we do it right? Just keep, I, I feel like I'm this little spot, you know, this little hamster on the wheel right now I'm now or on my spiral staircase hamster, you know of coming around. And there it is again. And I'm learning a bigger lesson, and I'm just learning a little better now than where I was before to wearing no alcohol is not that great. Now I'm just learning a little bit better where I should judge myself and I should pre-log it, and I'm hoping the next time around in that staircase, I'm going middle finger 2 glasses of wine, you know, it's really what, ultimately I want to.
Amber B 15:02
OK, But I want to ask you a really important question. You would not drink wine if it didn't give you something. So we can say this like I want to feel good and that doesn't make me feel good. So why the heck do I do it? It's really important to understand we don't do anything if it doesn't give us something. So it does give you something and, and figuring out what that is can be really important and powerful for you. So what does it give you?
I think sometimes it gives me that relaxation, a sense of like, good job Ellie, you did a great job today, now go reward, just like that's my reward.
Amber B 15:40
Yeah, I would say that's the biggest, biggest one.
Amber B 15:45
So OK, so this is fantastic because we all do, I talk about collapsing things a lot because it's so powerful. We all do this thing where we take two things that aren't the same thing, and we collapse them down and make them the same thing. So in this case it's like relaxation and alcohol. And we make them the same thing. So it's like the, the, the alcohol signals relaxation and it's like I want, I want to relax. So then I have the alcohol because I want the relaxation, so the relaxation is not the problem, like the desire and need and want for relaxation is the problem. Problem is right now relaxation equals a glass of wine. And so when we can separate those out and say relaxation is awesome. You should have relaxation. That's fantastic. Most of us want and crave and need relaxation. But realizing relaxation doesn't have to come from a glass of wine if you don't want it to, now we can reorient and create a new relationship with what relaxation can look like for us and we can figure out other ways to elicit that feeling of relaxation separate and apart from the alcohol. Again, I'm not saying the alcohol is bad or you need to get rid of it, but you are expressing a desire to not use it. So because you're expressing a desire to not use it, we can look at why am I using it? What am I getting from it? What, what need am I filling from it? And is there another way that I can address and meet that need? Relaxation is, is a need that humans have and it doesn't have to always be filled with alcohol. There can be other ways that you can figure out how to create relaxation for yourself that doesn't involve alcohol if you don't want it to…
Right. Agree. Thank you.
Amber B 17:27
So let's get, let's get like, ideas. Let's do some brainstorming. Has there ever been any other time in your life that you felt relaxation separate from a glass of wine?
I mean, aside from laying on the beach somewhere.
Amber B 17:46
That sounds lazy, can we do that every night, please?
You know, sometimes it's even just, you know, getting out and walking my dog. But that happens first thing in the morning. I get all those exercise things done in the morning first thing. By the end of the day, it's, it's go, go, go with little ones, you know 3 year old, and 1 and a half year old, so it's there's zero relaxation at that point, and I think that's part of it too, is like eeek! chaotic kid and it's so fun. But to even get an ounce of that relaxation, I shoot for the wine. So then I think what could be relaxing? Maybe it's it's some good downtime with them as well, like adore my kids and want to spend more time with them so maybe it's taking 10 minutes and reading a book to them or some you know something along those lines to where it involves myself.
Amber B 18:39
Yeah. So, I'm going to offer something here. That I think as you're, as you think about this, does this make tight sometime and it's and it's probably going to take some experimentation. And I want to allow you that freedom to realize, like you don't have to solve this today, we don't have to figure out what it, what it is today. What I really want to get started is some ideas that you can start to practice and, and test out and try out but what I'm hearing is in a very, very common experience of a lot of women. It's like we get up. We like workout and like our day is full of like serving and helping other people, there's like a whole lot of relaxation with a 3 year old and a 1 and a half year old. And then we get to the end of the day and it's of course like your tank is empty and you just want to freaking relax. And so sometimes it's like the wine is like the easiest way to just do that and so I think we can address this from two sides. One is like figuring out what that end of the day signal to your brain that like, OK, this is relaxation time. This is for Ellie. This is for me as like rejuvenating myself and having something anchored there that isn't drinking, if that's not what you want to be. In addition to that, I think that's also a really important part to address is how we're emptying our cup throughout the day. And seeing if there are other ways that we can fill like we can plug in those moments of relaxation. So it's not just like give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give. OK, now, I relax. It's like, I give and I have like a moment of relaxation that I've built it. And I give and I have like this that I do for myself. And then I give and then I do this for myself and then I get to the end and like yeah, I want to relax, but it's, we haven't just empty our cup and so now we need to fill our entire cup and so I would invite you to think about this and look at it like. Yes, what can I create as like a relaxation, you know, pattern that I do at night, that's something that signals relaxation. But how can I be filling my cup throughout the day and I'm not talking about like getting a massage every day, I'm talking about can I take 5 seconds on the toilet and do some deep breathing, you know, it's like I'm not talking about taking a ton of time. I know with kids like it can be difficult, but the more that you are intentional about making sure your needs are met throughout the day, the less you need a huge thing at night to fill your cup back up and feel like relaxing.
I love that. Thank you.
Amber B 21:02
So, this is a really good, I'm going to send you some homework, OK? The homework is I want you to think about those two different columns. One is like little things that you could do throughout the day that fill your cup up, like I remember, I remember especially when my kids were little like one of the things that I would do. And this I'm trying to use this as an example, just to like it can be super silly. It was like for me it was like lunchtime. I like, put my lunch on a plate. I don't know why, but that was like, this is like I matter. I'm not eating off of my kids’ plates like I'm, I have a plate for me and I sat down. This is like again another thing is like little things like this are, that are like a cue that I matter. I'm sitting down I have a plate and I have a Diet Coke. And for me, that was like the 30 seconds I needed to like again fill my cup up, remind myself I matter, do something for me so that I could then go around and like you know get all my kids their needs and stuff, so that's what I'm talking about is like how can you build that in throughout the day of things that you know just you, just know, so I do this because it's important for me like I'm doing something for me right now because I matter.
Amber B 22:14
That's exactly right. So I want you to come up with a list of things that you could test out or try. Or experiment with in that now. And then also a list of things that could be that signal for relaxation to you, if you, I think if you go circle, if you go to circle and you search in the group and I think if you just search relaxation, might be alcohol, I don't know, I had a coaching conversation with somebody else about this very topic, specifically on weekends, so I bet if you search like relaxation weekends, something like that, It will, it will come up. But I think reading through that thread will be insightful for you as well. We, we kind of did a lot of the similar work that I did with you, but I think sometimes reading it connects to the things in our brains than hearing it. But we talked about how she was collapsing down relaxation with alcohol and and how we could split that out and come up with some ideas about what relaxation can look like separate from having alcohol, having to equal that. So that's your homework. Those are the things that I meant for you and what I would love for you to do is to go put it in circle when you, when you have those. And you want to like turn in your homework, so I'm just like an, teacher and a student like gotta turn in your homework and tag me.
That’s my accountability, my accountability.
Amber B 23:24
That’s right, your accountability. So I can see it, tag me in it, so they can see it and we can work through anything that are that are still coming up in that room.
Thank you, Amber.
Amber B 23:32
Yeah, of course.
Amber B 23:33
I hope that you found that really valuable to listen to the style of coaching. As you can see, the way that I coach is very different from the way that a lot of coaches coach. But it's, it is a much deeper style of coaching and we really get down to the root of what is keeping Ellie stock. We don't say superficial. We don't say surface level we get down to the root and when you can really root out what is causing someone to stay stuck. What is causing them to self-sabotage? And you kind of suss that out a lot of clarity comes from that and a lot of change comes from that. And a lot of transformation comes from that, which is why we I call the style of coaching that I do transformational coaching. It's what I teach and coach my coaches and Coaching Academy how to do as well. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.
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