Today we have a recording of a super powerful Live coaching session we recently had. I helped Shelly uncover her self-sabotage and why it’s been manifesting. The amount of feedback that I’ve gotten from women who listened to this coaching conversation has been extraordinary. So many women have seen themselves in Shelly, so I thought I’d put the recording onto the podcast to help it reach even more women. Can you relate to Shelly, too?
Find show notes at bicepsafterbabies.com/202
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- The value and power of transformational coaching in Macros 101 (0:47,4:23, 31:30)
- Dealing with self-sabotage (4:23, 7:10, 8:02, 9:20)
- Practice self-integrity (12:53, 13:42, 23:21)
- Bring awareness: start to uncover to start to work on (15:24
- Build trust with yourself (19:30, 20:18)
- Build that food that you enjoyed into your plan (23:21)
You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio episode number 202.
Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four. Each week, my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.
Amber B 0:47
Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke. And today we have for you a Live coaching session, a recording of a Live coaching session. So some of you may know over on my Instagram, @bicepsafterbabies, if you're not following yet, I sometimes do Free Coaching Fridays, where all get on and coach one of you through something that you're currently struggling with. And what you really start to see as you watch somebody get coached is one the value of coaching, the value of listening to somebody else get coached and the value of the style of coaching that I provide, which is very different from the coaching that you'll see most people provide. And so we typically do this Free Coaching Friday, every once and awhile. And we did one recently that was super powerful. And the amount of feedback that I've gotten from women who have listened to this coaching conversation has been extraordinary. So many women have seen themselves in Shelly. And what I helped Shelly to uncover in her self-sabotage and why it's manifesting has resonated with a lot of women.
Amber B 2:03
So let me just kind of highlight Shelly's question, and then we'll dive into the coaching conversation. So Shelly came onto Free Coaching Friday asking about her things that she thought she had fixed, like behaviors that she thought she had fixed, and that they started to rear their head again. And specifically, she talks about how she has found herself eating cereal, even when she knows it doesn't align with her goals, or it doesn't fit into, you know, her goals that she's trying to accomplish right now. And she's kind of like looking at herself being like, “Why do I do that? Why do I eat cereal, even though it's not aligning with my goals?” And so the coaching conversation that ensues after that is really a good one, because it's not actually about the cereal. In fact, when I was talking to my team about what we should title this podcast episode, one of my team members said, “We should title it, ‘It's not about the cereal, it's not about the cereal’.” And that's what a lot of coaches will do is they will focus on the behaviors. And then they say, okay, oh, so you're snacking on cereal, so how can we change your environment? How can we change, you know, let's get the cereal out of the house, let's figure out you know, how we can keep that cereal away from you. Let's, you know, make a chart about cereal, and they'll focus really on the behaviors and the actions on the cereal. And what you'll notice very quickly in my coaching is that we don't really focus on the cereal, because the cereal is not the problem. What is causing that like eating cereal? What is causing that self-sabotage is deeper than that. And that's what I hope, shall we get to the root of, and I want you to listen really closely, because you may see elements of yourself in Shelly, as you listen to me coach her through this experience. So let's dive into that coaching conversation with Shelly.
Amber B 3:54
Hello, and welcome to Free Coaching Friday. So glad that you're here. We're going to welcome Shelly here shortly. And she has a question about self-sabotage. And I selected her question because this is something that so many of us struggle with. And it really is a human quality that we sometimes know things and we don't actually do them. And so that's where coaching can be really beneficial and really powerful.
Amber B 4:23
Welcome to all you guys who are hopping on live. Hey, if you're listening to the replay, drop me a #replay in the comments that always helps me to know that people are who's watching this after the fact. But so today we're going to be doing some coaching and that coaching is application of knowledge in areas that we aren't applying it and this is all of us. We all do this where we know something but we don't actually do it. And sometimes we know that we're not applying it. Sometimes we're very consciously aware and many times we are not consciously aware. It's like yeah, yeah, I know about all or nothing thinking and then we don't realize that we're doing it in our own journey and having an outside source to be able to point those out to be able to turn on the lights to be able to point things out that we haven't seen ourselves, but it is really incredibly powerful. And so that's what you're going to be able to see as I'm gonna, we're gonna hopefully get Shelly on so I can coach her, but that's what you'll start seeing in coaching. And even as you listen to Shelly and you start to hear the questions that I asked her, I really encourage you guys to start asking yourself some of those same questions. Because like I said, self-sabotage is happening for all of us. And a lot of times we're not even aware of it, or even if we are aware of it, we aren't aware of what is causing it. And until we get to the root cause of the self-sabotage, we're never gonna be able to fix it. And so that's what I'm gonna do here with Shelly.
Amber B 5:41
Good to see you.
Amber B 5:42
Okay Shelly, tell me what your question is.
Okay, just so you know my background, I did Biceps After Babies [MACROS 101], I mean, yeah, we did it in September of 2020 and I loved it, found success, did the workout program, and Build Your Workout little workouts since then, started lifting weights. And my weight is back up to where I started originally, but it doesn't bother me because I feel like I have muscle. I feel like I've learned a lot. I eat more protein, my whole family does. I just feel like there's so many good gains there. The one thing I keep on doing is self-sabotage. I don’t know if you remember, but I love baked goods. But I also try to keep that out of my house, so what's left is cereal. So even just yesterday, I had planned to have just a protein snack of cottage cheese. And then when I went to the kitchen, I was like, “Ooh, but I still want cereal.” And I still had a bowl of cereal. So even though as I'm putting it myself, I'm like, Okay, I know, I don't need this. I know it's not gonna help me. But I did it anyway. So it's been like, I mean, it's been a long time. I probably didn't do that for like a year. But I'm back doing it again.
Amber B 7:07
Just trying to get past.
Amber B 7:10
Good. Okay, so first of all, let me know if you guys are listening, if you can relate to Shelly, because I can. I know that like, “I don't really need the bowl of cereal, I want the bowl of cereal, it doesn't fit into my macros, it's not going to get me closer to my goals. But dang it, I'm going to have it anyway, even though I know it doesn't align with my long term goals.” So yeah, I'm like right there with you, Shelly, this is something that is, like I said before, I really want to destigmatize this idea of self-sabotage as being something that's wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you. And like you said, you've had a lot of growth in the last, you know, couple of years. And you can start to notice how you are further along on the journey than maybe you were in the past. And you're starting to think about this a little bit more rationally, I heard it in the way that you described all of the results that you've had in the last little while. So that's awesome.
Amber B 8:02
One of the things that I want to remind you and everybody who's listening, is that when we start to do this with self-sabotage, and with our beliefs, and with where this is coming from, how we're holding ourselves back, I want you to remember that this is an onion. Okay? So a lot of times people come to me and they're like, “Fix me, Amber, let's like have one coaching session, and let's like have it all be fixed.” That would be so nice if we could just like fix it all like that. What I remind clients of is that you are peeling an onion, okay, and so you're going to peel layers off, and you're gonna have aha moments, and I heard a lot of those in, as you were talking about the last couple of years, you're going to peel some of those things off, and you're gonna get rid of them. And you're going to kind of open up this new part of this onion. But for most of us, there's lots of layers. And so even though you've made progress, and you've pulled off some of those layers in the past, there's still more. And finally, or fortunately, however you would like to look at that, that is life. Life we never get, we never finish, we never finish growing, we never finish understanding ourselves more, we never finish evolving. And that can be discouraging, or we can look at it as an amazing, beautiful thing. And this is just your next mountain to climb and your next hill to climb. And there's going to be lessons here that are going to be super helpful for you.
Amber B 9:20
So one of the things that I want to offer for you and for everybody who's listening, is that one of the first things that we can do in order to start to break down self-sabotage and start to get to the root of it is to figure out how it manifests for us. Self-sabotage can manifest in different ways. And so this is one example of a way that self-sabotage manifests to you. You give me a very specific example, which is awesome. This is really helpful. And for anybody who's listening, it will be helpful for you as well to get as specific as Shelly did. I'm trying to figure out, hey, how does self sabotage manifest for me? What do I do that I know holds me back and it may be very similar to Shelly it may be completely different. But when we can start to pinpoint those moments of self-sabotage, we're so much closer to being able to work through it. So really good job of giving me a very specific moment. Okay, so let's go to that specific moment. Can you walk me through your thought process? What was going on in your brain as you were sitting like, you're like, I ate my cheese or whatever it was.
Yeah, it was cottage cheese.
Amber B 10:23
The cereal is still up there, I want it. Probably shouldn't have it. But I'm gonna eat anyway, like, walk me through what else was going through your mind?
For me also, if no one's home, I'm more likely to do it. It's kind of, I don't know, I'm sneaking it kind of. Thoug if my kids are home with my husband's home, I don't ever do that.
Amber B 10:48
But if someone's there, I do. I've noticed too. I mean I love sweet stuff but if I have a piece of chocolate, instead, that actually works pretty well. Just like one piece of dark chocolate like that, I'm good. Which is what I usually do if my family's home. But then when my family's not home, I’m just like “Mmm, I can sneak it. Kind of. No one knows.”
Amber B 11:17
Yeah, but yeah. What is different when somebody is home? Like what are you telling yourself that's different when someone's home than when they are not when you're going through a decision making process?
I feel like they'll judge. Or, like “Mom, you're doing that so maybe I should do that.” And I don’t want them to start.
Amber B 11:41
having like an example.
Yeah, I'm not being an example. Yeah.
Amber B 11:45
So are you doing this for yourself or for other people?
Doing this as in… eating healthier?
Amber B 11:54
Or whatever goals that you have set for yourself. Are those goals for you or are they for other people?
They're for me. Eating cereal, like that, like I just did yesterday, it made my stomach hurt because it's just too full. And then I still eat normal, normal meals because I don't know, I want to get my protein in. I want to look like I'm not… Like, you know, if I go sit down and eat dinner with my family and I'm already full, they won’t think that’s normal. They'll be like, “What's going on mom?”
Amber B 12:26
Okay. So then what is different about when somebody else sees you make a choice that maybe doesn't align with your goals? What is different about that?
And not being accountable, I guess to myself, when I'm by myself. I'm allowing it to happen and say, I pretend like it's not versus someone else's there. They're seeing it.
Amber B 12:53
Yeah, it's there. So many of us have more integrity with other people than we have with ourselves. And so one of the things that I'm going to offer you that's going to be something to practice, is self integrity. And what's beautiful is you have a model to utilize because you are integral with other people. Right? You told me that it's like, Hey, I keep the integrity with other people. I just don't keep my promises, or I'm not integral to myself. And if this really is about you, and this is your goal, and it really doesn't matter what anybody thinks, feels or believes about your goal, then really the only person who you are accountable to is yourself.
Amber B 13:42
Yeah. And so when we can get to that place of where it really is… like it’s ust interesting to me, and I think I as you're talking about this, and I'm speaking now to everybody who's listening. I want you to start to think about that question that I asked Shelly is like, “Who are you doing this for? Are you doing this for yourself? Are you doing it for other people?” Because a lot of us think that we're doing it for ourselves, but we are more integral to other people, for some reason, and not integral to ourselves. And that there's a little bit of a disconnect there of saying that this is for me, but who I care about seeing it or you know, thinking things about me or judging me or other people. And if we cared as much about ourselves and being integral to ourselves, then we could see a big shift in things.
I've never thought about it that way because like, I've always done stuff like that, like sneak a bite here and there when no one can see. I thought it affects them, but it affects me. So that makes sense.
Amber B 14:43
And inherent in that is likely a belief that it impacts other people more than it impacts you, and you'd rather other people be impacted less than you. It's almost like a martyr syndrome, where it's like, “It's okay for me to break integrity myself, it's okay for me to like, do something that I know that I shouldn't do if it just impacts me. But if it impacts somebody else, well, now it's not okay.” And essentially, what you're saying is that the impact on them is more important than the impact on you.
Okay. Okay, so then how do I do that?
Amber B 15:24
Okay, well, so first of all, we've already done a lot. Okay, so this is what's amazing with coaching is that this was always there. You just weren't aware of it. Right? You weren't aware that you were putting other people's thoughts and feelings and beliefs and like, you're putting more value on that than on yourself. And so I always use the analogy. Like if you're in a dark room, and there's cockroaches in the room, that you cannot see them because it's dark, flipping on the light, and seeing the cockroaches now allows you to like, Oh, my gosh, cockroaches are there, like that, I'm going to be able to get rid of that. But as long as we're walking around in dark rooms, we don't see the cockroaches that are there. So what we just did is we helped to flip on a light. And even just bringing awareness to this is going to hep you to start to look for it in your daily life. This is one manifestation of a way that you put others needs before your own, or others comfort before your own. And now you're aware of that, and we can start to look for it because I guarantee this is not the only manifestation of it. There are probably other areas where you do the same thing and, and there's nothing wrong with that. But we start to uncover where this is coming from and what we can start to work on. So we've identified that but now how do we start to shift it? That's always the question, right? What do I really do, Amber? What should I do? And so now we can start to identify what it is if we've uncovered that part of you and others needs feelings, thoughts, judgments above your own thoughts, feelings judgments? What do you want to get to the point of? If that's currently where you are, how you want to shift that thinking or feeling or how you think about those situations?
Well, in the past, I wanted to get to like when I was doing good with not snacking on cereal and that way. My goal is to just have cereal for breakfast, like, not for breakfast, but with my breakfast. A serving. And it really worked out really well. That was like, that was good, I enjoyed it. It was enough. And it was fine. But now I've regressed. And so with thinking now I want to have more integrity for myself, of what do I want for me today? Do I want a stomach ache? Do I want to feel too full when I sit down for dinner with my family? You know what do I want more? The instant gratification of the taste of it being good or the comfort food that it is versus feeling good.
Amber B 18:21
Good. On a scale, this is a question that you guys can all who are listening can all ask yourself this question on a scale of zero to 10. And if you're listening, and I would love it if you guys would comment your answer to this question, but Shelly, on a scale of 10, how much trust do you have with yourself? 10 being whenever I tell myself something, I always do it no matter what comes from hell or high water. A zero being I tell myself something and I never ever do it, I don't ever follow through. On a scale of zero to 10 how much trust do you have with yourself?
Just like in general in life?
Amber B 18:58
Like in general life. Yup.
I've been a procrastinator in the past. Well, I don't want to say I'm always a procrastinator, but–
Amber B 19:11
You have a tendency to procrastinate.
Yes. Probably seven or eight. I feel like I know, I love to exercise, I like to have consistency in my life. That is, I like consistency. Just is my personality.
Amber B 19:28
So yeah, like a seven or an eight.
Amber B 19:30
Okay, cool. So for whatever you know, Shelly gave me a seven-eight, you guys are putting some in the comments. For whatever number you gave yourself, the goal is going to be to slowly start to increase that over time. What we tend to want to happen because we are humans is we want to jump from a seven to an eight to a ten, or from a five to a ten, or from a three to a ten, and we want to like have 100% integrity with ourselves and then we get frustrated with ourselves when we don't have that 100% integrity. And so Shelly, we're working on you building trust with yourself and you building integrity with yourself. And this is just like any other relationship, whether it's children or a spouse or whatever is like, how do you build trust with your spouse, or your kids?
You do what you say you're going to do.
Amber B 20:18
Yeah. And you do it over again, right? It's like little times where it's like you say, you're gonna show up at a certain time and you do. You say, you're gonna pick your kids up at a certain time, and you do like, it's like that trust is built like small, little moments over time, over time is the important part. It's not just like, you just do one thing, and all of a sudden, you have trust with that person. And so I want you to think about this trust that you're building with yourself very similarly, is that we are at a seven or eight, let's see if we can move you to an eight or nine, not necessarily a 10. Because otherwise, we start to get really frustrated with ourselves. And we tend to regress when we do that. And so now the question is, what do I need to do moving forward to move my trust in myself from seven or eight to maybe eight or nine? And specifically thinking about the context that you gave me around, you know, hiding food or eating things when people are not there? What, what would need to happen in order for you to move up on that scale?
I probably need to just think about it in that way of what I am doing for me today. What am I doing for me today for my way of eating? What am I choosing to do? Whatever my goals are already, I was just going to benefit myself.
Amber B 21:41
Yeah. What is a mantra that you can utilize, that will reinforce the idea that your thoughts and feelings and opinions of yourself are the most important thing. More important than what your kids think about you or your spouse or anybody else?
You’re bringing up emotion.
Amber B 22:07
I've never really thought about not having integrity for myself. So maybe something along those lines of I can have integrity for me.
Amber B 22:33
Why can you have integrity for yourself?
Because if I do it for anybody else, why not? Right?
Amber B 22:40
Why not? But what else?
To achieve my goal.
Amber B 22:47
Yeah. Well, it's deeper than that.
‘Cuz I'm worth it.
Amber B 22:55
Yeah. How does it feel to say that?
I wasn’t thinking I was gonna cry. It brings up emotions.
Amber B 23:11
And emotion is a guidepost. It's good when emotion comes up, because it guides us to where there's stuff that we can address.
Amber B 23:21
So it's very, very common for us to prioritize other people's wants, needs, desires, opinions above our own. Because on some level, we don't think that we're as important as they are. We're not as worth it as they are. And so when we can start to reinforce that, that yeah, you can have integrity with yourself. Because your opinion of yourself is more important than anybody else's opinion because you're worth it. And that's really big.
Amber B 23:51
So we started with, you know, talking about eating cereal. And we ended on this idea of, I'm worth it and what I think about myself, and what I decided to do, even in secret, is the most important thing, because that matters more than anybody else's opinions of me. Right. So good.
Amber B 24:12
So that's, that's going to be my challenge to you. We think oftentimes, we think it's like, I don't want to eat the cereal so then I'm just gonna, like, tell myself, I'm not gonna eat the cereal, I'm gonna remind myself of my goals. I'm gonna like… I can do it. And that tends to be our default of like, how we work through this stuff. But what you did here, Shelly, is opening up and recognizing that, “Hey, there's something a little bit deeper here.” This is going what, like now that we brought this to the surface, we can start to recognize that when we go to eat cereal, it's not about cereal.
Amber B 24:41
Not about the cereal. It's about what we're telling ourselves and how we feel about ourselves and how worthy we think we are and whose opinions are most important to us. And so that's what you can start to think about, okay. In those moments is like, “What I think about myself as the most important, I am worthy, I am enough. I can do this for me, and nobody else.”
Amber B 23:21
One thing that I heard you say that I really want to point out because I think it's gonna be really beneficial for you and for everybody who is listening is you had mentioned before that previously you had built that food that you enjoyed into your plan. Right you had built it in so that you were like, eating cereal was not you getting off plan, or falling off the wagon it like was built into your plan. And for everybody listening, that is such a smart way to go about this. Is that all of us have those foods that we feel like we have to like, I can't have it in the house, I got to get rid of it all. If I just eat one of them, I eat all of them. And we think the solution is to get it out of the house, not have it here, white-knuckle it, just get stronger, have more willpower, like all of those things we think that is the solution. But really, a lot of times it is building that into your plan so that you do get to enjoy it. And you don't have to tell yourself no and that you like it's part of your plan for success. And so, is that something that you're currently doing? So I heard you say that you were doing that? Are you still doing that where you build cereal into your day?
Some days, I still do. Like if on days that I don't, I'm more likely to snack on cereal later time. I'm like, I don't feel like I always need it in the morning, like in the morning and like I want to eat. I don't feel like eating it. This almost like the habit of eating in the afternoon is when it sounds good the most.
Amber B 26:46
Yeah. So have you considered building it into your afternoon.
I haven't really thought of that.
Amber B 26:55
So that's also a really good thing to try because this, that's when you want it. So let's lean into that and say, “Hey, this is when I want it, I'm going to actually plan around it so that I can actually eat it and enjoy it.” And what I think you will find Shelly is exactly what you found when you used to eat in the morning is like when you gave yourself that permission to eat it in the morning, you're like now it's like, “Oh, I don’t really want it.” It doesn't hold the allure, the shyness, when we tell ourselves, we can't have it. So you know, build it into your afternoon, have that be a part of your afternoon routine, have a bowl of cereal, enjoy it. And see how you progress with that. Anytime we put something off-limits, it always makes our brain one more and so the less limits that we can have in terms of like saying I can't have that, the more we're going to be able to actually stay in our rational brain and be able to make a decision of, “Do I really want that?” Rather than this like, not prefrontal cortex but like the lower part of our brain being like very emotional and very like, oh, I want it now and like don't really rationally think through that decision.
Okay. And with you saying that made me think of this. I guess if it fits in my meal plan in the morning, what doesn't it fit in the afternoon?
Amber B 28:08
Exactly. And you're like, okay, so that that's like, 101, here's like 102: It's also okay, if you go over your macros. Right. So sometimes we get so locked into and I call this the Macro Dieter identity, where it's like, we get so locked into I have to hit my macros. If I don't hit my macros, then I have like, done it wrong, and I'm not going to get results. And so then what we do is we eat 120 grams of cereal, and we go over 120 calories or something like that. And now it's like, oh, I'm never gonna get results. You went over 120 calories. What is standing between you and results is 120 calories or 300 calories like every once in a while, like you're not seeing the forest from the trees. Right. And so getting into this idea of like, sometimes giving yourself permission to go over your macros is the best thing that you can do in your journey. Like, I ate that bowl of cereal and I went over 300 or 400 calories. And I don't have to beat myself up or think that I did it wrong or think that now I'm not going to be able to get results and we can move forward from that. Cool, Awesome. What are your takeaways from this conversation? I want to hear from you what you're taking away.
Well, first of all, the whole thing about integrity. Just gonna do some thinking about that. Also, I think I just got back into wanting to eat more cereal. And just like you said, put it in my day, though. Previously, I just got to the point where I didn't really want it that much anymore. Like, not that big of a deal. Instead of cuz I think it's the mindset of I can't have it, I wanted it worse, whereas it was in my day, some days I didn't even need it. Yeah, not a big deal. So if I put it back into, it's like a priority almost. Then it might just kind of filter off.
Amber B 30:16
And it might not. And that's okay.
You know, yeah. I might just eat every day of my life, it's fine.
Amber B 30:21
You might just love cereal. Like, that's just a part of like, your happiness for the day. And I love that. So good. So good. All right. Shelly, thank you for sharing your heart. There are a lot of people who are listening to this who are going to absolutely 110% be able to relate and have gotten a lot from our conversation together. So thank you so much.
Amber B 30:45
And if you are listening, whether you're listening, the replay or you're listening here live, just like I asked Shelly her takeaway, I would love for you to comment, your takeaway, because the beautiful thing about listening to a coaching conversation is that Shelly is walking away with a lot of clarity and a lot of next steps. And the clarity that you got, or the takeaway that you got might be completely different, like, you could have taken something completely different away from this conversation that's going to be really applicable to you and to your journey. So that's one of the reasons I love group coaching is because we can facilitate this conversation between Shelly and I, and all of you guys are gonna be able to benefit with the things that we talked about. That's gonna be unique to your journey. So that's amazing. Awesome. Thank you, Shelly. Thank you for being here.
Amber B 31:30
So I'm curious, did you see yourself at all in Shelly? And did the questions that I asked Shelly, did you ask yourself some of those questions and maybe in doing that, you discovered something that you didn't even know was there. And that is the power of real transformational coaching. And that's what my clients inside of MACROS 101 get to look forward to. We just started our spring round of MACROS 101 this week, and I am so excited to coach those clients and really help them to figure out what's been keeping them stuck, and how they can take action towards their goals in the future. If you missed this round of MACROS 101, we open doors twice a year, the next chance to join will be in the fall. So if you want to get to the front of the list and be the first to know when we open doors, you can go to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist to put yourself on the list.
Amber B 32:26
I hope that this episode was valuable to you. If it was, will you do me a favor and take a screenshot and share it on your stories, on your Facebook, shoot it over to a friend. And the best way that you can say thank you to a content creator is to share their free content. So thanks for being here. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.
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Missy Wooley says
#replay I have Martyr Syndrome. I want to please everyone else before I please myself. I can trust myself because I am worth it!! That is hard to say, but I’d I say it enough, I will start to believe it. Thanks, Amber! Great episode!!