As a teacher and a coach, I always encourage the people inside MACROS 101 to take advantage of coaching, as it helps to apply the knowledge they have gained in a way that is tailored to their individual journey. And sometimes it is more helpful to hear someone else get coached, because it can lead to realizations and reflections that are applicable to their own situation. Just like in this coaching conversation, Elise talks about her fear of success and failure, and how she was able to reprogram her brain to believe and say “I am enough.”
Find show notes at bicepsafterbabies.com/269
- Fear of Success and Failure (04:19)
- Setting Big Goals and Overcoming Fear of Failure (08:08)
- Reaffirming Self-Worth Through Positive Affirmations (10:28)
- Reclaiming Strength and Health: Separating from Past Programming (16:23)
- Balancing Weight Loss Goals and Improving Relationship with Food (18:30)
- Sustainable Calorie Restriction and Meal Planning Strategies (23:45)
You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 269.
Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.
Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back to the Biceps After Babies Radio Podcast. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and today on the podcast, we have a live coaching session. So one of the things that I teach a lot about is the difference between learning something and applying it. And a mistake that I see a lot of people get stuck in is this idea that what is keeping them between them and their goals is knowledge. That they just need to learn a little bit more, that they just need to read a little bit more, that they just need to go on more podcasts and listen to more podcasts or go on more Instagram accounts or read a book about it. And that if they just understood and gained a little bit more knowledge, then they'd be able to figure it out, then they'd be able to reach their goals. And while that's a nice thought, it's also a thought that tends to keep people stuck. It keeps people from actually making progress. Because progress doesn't actually come from learning something. Progress comes from learning something and then applying it. And it is that application piece that a lot of people are missing and that a lot of people struggle with. They can learn about the concept of reverse dieting, they can understand it from a knowledge perspective and it can make total sense to them. But when they go to apply that knowledge into their journey, that's when the wheels fall off, that's when they don't know what to do. That's when they get struggle, that's when they get confused. And so it's that application piece that is so important. And that is where we play in the realm of coaching. So as a teacher and as a coach, I'm speaking specifically inside of MACROS 101. In MACROS 101, I do a lot of teaching because you have to understand the science, you have to understand the basics. So I do a lot of teaching, but that is completely separate from coaching. Coaching is where I am helping you to apply the content that you are consuming, what you are learning. It's the application of the knowledge. And so coaching is so valuable because it helps you to take that actual action step. Not just learn, not just read, but actually apply what you are learning into your own specific and unique journey. Because we all are unique, right? None of us have the same external factors. None of us are all the same age or the same race or gender, or have the same life circumstances, or the same medical conditions, or the same goals, or the same we're all individuals. None of us are all the same. And so those concepts are applied slightly different in different people's journeys. And that is where coaching can be so valuable.
So every once in a while, I like to bring on a replay of a coaching call that I've done, because what I tell my MACROS 101 clients all the time, coaching is incredibly valuable to get coached individually. However, it is also really valuable to hear someone else get coached. And sometimes it's even more valuable to hear somebody else get coached because you can get out of your head. I find when clients are getting coached, a lot of times they're in their head and they're worried about what they're saying, and there's just a lot of fear of being in the moment and I say the right thing and all those things. When you're not the one getting coached, you're not in the hot seat. You can kind of relax a little, a little bit and just listen. And a lot of times you'll see things in other people and in their responses that will trigger a realization that that's also in you. And a lot of times it's easier to see blind spots in other people than it is to see it in ourselves. And that's why listening to other people get coached can be so incredibly powerful for you, because you can start to see the blind spots come up and then take a look at yourself and realize, oh gosh, I didn't realize. That's something I do too. That's the way that I think about it too. And you can also get coach through the process. So I'm bringing you a conversation that I had with Elise, and this is inside of MACROS 101. And she comes on and asks a question about this idea of fear of failure as well as also a fear of success. And that's where the coaching conversation gets started. But you'll see, by the end, we go someplace a little bit different. So if you are somebody who has a fear of success, has a fear of failure, or somebody who you really struggle with believing that you're enough or believing that you are worthy, and maybe you've had people in the past tell you that you weren't worthy and you weren't enough, and you took that on as yourself or for yourself. I want you to listen to this coaching call because there's a really powerful ending that I get to with Elise. So, without further ado, let's dive into the coaching conversation.
Hi, how are you?
Amber B 05:43
I'm good. How are you?
Doing well. Ahm, my question revolves around the actual goal. So the exercise that we've done now twice. I've done it with you, well, stuck.
Amber B 06:01
When you say the exercise, you mean miracle scale?
Miracle scale, yes.
Amber B 06:04
Okay, cool. Okay. You're stuck where?
Ahm, I've identified that I have both a fear of success and failure.
Amber B 06:13
Ahm, I think, I’ve just, after listening to you earlier today, I was like, oh, those are the exact same problem, different ends of the thing. So like,
Amber B 06:28
Different sides of the same coin. You're exactly right.
But we need this, the result is the same. I need to, I not identify.
Amber B 06:36
Yeah, you got it. You got it. Let me just speak to that just a little bit because excellent job. It is the same coin. Two sides of the same coin. Now, the insidious thing about success is that on some level, it feels good to collapse it down with who we are. Okay? So whereas with failure, it feels really terrible to collapse ourselves down. Sometimes with success, it can feel really good, which makes it a little bit more insidious because it's like, I did this goal, which means I'm awesome. That feels really great. OK, but it's dangerous because if you identify with your successes, meaning your successes mean something about you innately as a human being and as a person. If you identify with your successes, you must also take the other side and identify with your failures. And that's when it gets negative. So while it can feel great to be like, oh, I'm awesome because I achieved this goal, it sets you up for future failures because you won't always have that success. And when you don't, you inherently have to take the negative as well and mean that you're a failure. And so the fear of success can be a little insidious in that way. But you're right. The same solution is we still cannot identify. You as a human being, are not more worthy if you hit the goal, and you're not less worthy if you don't hit the goal. Your worthiness is intact. It's whole. It is who you are. And separating that out is really, really valuable important. So good job putting those two together.
So, that, that was an awesome win for me today.
Amber B 08:06
So when I was doing the setting my big goal, I have lots of whys. I know how to get the why. I feel good about wanting to take care of my body and to be bright and vibrant like Heidi. I have all these things that I want. But setting a big goal, I just stop. I'm like, okay, I'll set small goals and eventually I'll get there, but I'm nervous that I won't know where there is.
Amber B 08:40
Okay, yeah that’s it, that's good. If, if, so a lot of us, OK. One of the hardest things to ask and answer, especially I find, for women, but for men as well, I think this is a human phenomenon, is the question of what do you want? Because many of us have not allowed ourselves the freedom to actually say what we want. We say what we think we can have. We say what we think is appropriate. We say what we think other people aren't going to make fun of us for. We say what we think is possible for us. And these are all ways that we play small. We talked about being all in. We kind of like half we're like half in because we tamp down what we actually desire. And so it's an AHA moment for a lot of people to realize. When I ask myself what's my goal or what do I want, the way that I'm responding is what do I think I can have? What do I think it's possible? What are other people not going to laugh at me if they hear that goal? So one way I like to help clients to be able to overcome that and dream a little bit bigger is to kind of change the question. It's like at least if I had a magic wand and I could give you a result that other people would think you're crazy, would think like, she's bananas. To say that as her goal or her wish, if I was going to grant you any wish and you're going to come up with a wish that someone else like your friends would be like, Elise is bananas. That she thinks, what would that goal be for you? What would that wish be?
Honestly, I'm coming up with a lot of resistance to it, even thinking about that. I think that goal would be to be strong and healthy, but I hate saying that because there's a lot of emotion tied up with it. I got divorced a couple of years ago. My ex husband was very hard on me about my weight even when I was 120 and lifting weights and I looked great and I felt great. It was never enough kind of thing. There's almost this like resistance to being anywhere near that. So, like, I want it, but I don't want it.
Amber B 11:44
Yeah. Do you realize and understand that not enough for him does not mean you're not enough?
Amber B 12:03
You understand up here.
In certain areas of my life, that makes sense, totally. But with this one thing, he's the voice in my head that I can't seem to like, shut up.
Amber B 12:16
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think, again, there's a difference between knowing something up here cognitively and knowing something on a subconscious level. And the issue is that much of our day is run on the subconscious. So even if up here we can say not enough for him does not mean I'm not enough. I get that on an intellectual level, if that still subconsciously hasn't been healed, you're still running on that programming that by never being enough for him, by being on this treadmill that went nowhere, could never be enough, means that I'm never going to be enough. I'm not enough. I won't ever achieve that. And when you run on that program, which I am going to guess has been the program that you've been running on, that's a really damaging programming to continue to run on. Because if you're not enough, it's like why do anything? It's never going to be enough. Yeah. And so again, there's a difference between cognitively understanding something and subconsciously understanding something.
Amber B 13:20
And you know, the fact that you're getting emotional about this means that we're bringing some of this stuff up to light. That's really important. What would you say is the emotion that you're present to right now in your body?
It's actually some peace.
Amber B 13:36
Tell me more.
I think there's always a part of people that want to feel enough. In some small ways it's fine, but to hear other people say it as well, you know, it kind of reaffirms it, I guess.
Amber B 14:09
Yeah, and I want to, I've taught this before, but I want to offer it here too, because I think it really, it really fits
Amber B 14:16
Yeah. We feel truth in our body and in our emotions. And so when something is true, we can always check in with our body and check in with our emotions because it feels good. Truth feels good to us. Right. And so the fact that when I said that you felt peace is a confirmation of like the reason it felt peaceful to you is because you're hearing truth. And the reason when you think about that other experience with your ex husband, why it doesn't feel good, like I would, I guess the emotions that come up when you think about that are not positive. But I think it's helpful to recognize that that is your body's wisdom. That is God, universe, spirit, whoever you want to think to, that's the way that we're guided towards truth and not truth. And so if your body is telling you, if you're having negative emotions and experience to that, that tells you that that's not true. And so the reason that you're feeling peace is because that's truth. Our body, we can feel that peace and we can feel that truth. And I wonder, you know, you said something really wise. You said something like that something on that I kind of know on a core from another level, you know. And yet it's also really helpful to hear people say it. It's, it's here helpful to have other people verbalize that to me. And why that's so powerful Elise, is because the programming came from years of someone telling you something and that seeps into your psyche, that seeps into your programming. He told you that for years and years and years and years. And so of course, part of the healing is of course you telling yourself that you're enough, but may also be having people in a support system be able to reaffirm that to you as well. To have it’s like, it’s like every deposit that he made into a jar needs to be taken out and some of those can be taken out by you. But I think that there's some healing that's going to happen with having other people affirm that alongside with you.
And I think it's fun for me. I've been trying to look for ways that that is discredited and different ways.
Amber B 16:36
Yeah. So good. So let's go back to your goal.
Amber B 16:40
So of course, you know, it sounds like you have some baggage with this idea of strong and healthy, which makes perfect sense from the experience that you've had, and it makes perfect sense why you'd have some resistance.
Sorry, I have two birds.
Amber B 16:55
Oh, you have birds?
Amber B 16:56
I thought maybe it was just like some feedback in my, in my ear buds. So of course you're going to have some resistance to that. And so, again, themes, I love it when themes come up in calls because it means it's something that a lot of people need to hear and are coming up. But this idea of collapsing down is like this idea that being strong and healthy is somehow collapsed down with him. And we're like, I don't want anything to do with that. I don't want to be anywhere near that. Right. And so it's easy to see why you would have resistance of realizing that I've collapsed it down with him and what he used to tell me. And so one of the ways we can start to pass that again is separating it out and recognizing that you being strong and healthy literally has zero to do with him and what he said and what he believed and what he programmed and all of those things and everything to do with what you want for your life.
Amber B 17:51
This is you like taking control of something he polluted something that is good. You know what I mean?
It sucks! It is right.
Amber B 18:03
It is also a reflection of how important like things that we hear repeated over and over and over again become our world and become our truth. So people wonder, why do you have me do these stupid affirmations over and over again? They're like so stupid to say these things. Yeah, because like, same things to yourself over and over again is how we get programmed. That's how he that was what happened, is he just said it to you over and over and over again until you finally believed it and we can do the same thing to ourselves. So kind of separating this out and recognizing like, this is a goal for you that has zero to do with him. What is strong and healthy Elise look like?
I don't know. She wants to be able to do yoga. Be strong, you know.
Amber B 19:00
So in yoga, what could you do if you were stronger?
Amber B 19:10
Awesome handstands. Cool. What else, what else, tell me about strong and healthy Elise.
Ahm. Strong and healthy Elise would have a better relationship with food.
Amber B 19:24
How can we define that? How would you know if that was the case?
If I didn't think so much about food.
Amber B 19:32
If I didn't label things good or bad or being able to allow fun, you know, like, oh, I can have this and I can reach my goals. I'm trying to work on and…
Amber B 19:48
The both end. Yeah. Awesome.
And like right now, it's a lot of planning. It's a lot of foresight, and it would be really great to get to a spot where it's not so hard to make it all work.
Amber B 20:07
Manage it. Yeah. How many weeks into tracking are you?
This would be my fifth week of…
Amber B 20:17
Has it got any easier yet?
It was really easy. Week two and three. This last weekend, I had an emotional upheaval problem kind of happen, and I didn't plan. I had not planned yet, and so I was not hungry, and then I was starving, and then I was hungry, and then I was starving, and so my numbers I was able to hit my protein and stay under my calories on one day, but went over or under the other parts of the weekend. But I got back on track, and I'm already seeing that water weight come off because I like to, it's water weight. It's not like even though you went overboard, it wasn't there goes not that much.
Amber B 21:12
Yeah, yeah. Good. I'm curious. So, when I asked you about your goals, and I asked you, like, the strong and healthy version of Elise, I didn't hear anything in terms of body size. Is there something in there, too?
I would like to be less. But…
Amber B 21:35
You want to be less or you wanna weigh less?
I want to weigh less. I don't want to be small anymore. I keep making myself small. I don't want to be small anymore.
Amber B 21:46
But I would like to weigh less. I have a hard time picking a number because I feel that I can be healthy at a number of different sizes, which is great, but it is also tied with the ex husband, and somewhere between 120 and 150 would feel really great, I think.
Amber B 22:13
Yeah. Okay, good. So I think one of the things that we want to make sure that we rectify is this balance, and this is you working on the bull fans, is this balance between wanting to weigh less and having that be part of your goal, as well as developing a better relationship with food. And one of the things that you said was that you didn't want to think about food as much. And so if there's a clash in those values of saying, oh, I want to weigh less, and so that's requiring me to think about food a lot, but I also want to have a better relationship with food, and that's requiring me not to think about it. Like, there's a clash between those two, and it becomes a fight back and forth. Okay. So anytime that we can identify those clashes that are occurring, we want to address them head on because they will take you down. You'll just fight back and forth between those two things. And so how can we have a both end, right, how can we help you to have that goal of weight and less than see the weight tracking down as well as also improving your relationship with food. And so this is where I'm going to turn it to you. What ideas do you have of how you could think about food less while still moving forward on your goal to see that goal weight?
What I have done is I actually did the maintenance tracking, which is the first time, and so I actually was eating less than I thought, more than I wanted to. So like, ahm and my dieter mindset was like, okay, just ratchet it down. I totally resisted that.
Amber B 23:45
Yeah. Good for you.
And I said it at a very moderate so I was eating about 2100 calories and now I'm only eating 19. So I'm trying to go really slow because I want it to be sustainable.
Amber B 24:02
And I want to be able to have, you know, 200 calories to eat potato chips one day or,
Amber B 24:08
Good, good for you. Awesome.
I'm trying to get into the mindset that by planning ahead, I actually think about food less than that.
Amber B 24:25
Sure, sure. Yeah. It's like 20 minutes of thinking about it at night the day before prevents you from having to think about it the rest of the day because you just have a plan for what's, what’s to come. Other things you can think about. Of course, these are just ideas that I'm going to throw up. For anybody who's listening who may be struggling with some of the same things is repeating meals can be very helpful in lessening the time spent planning even or the thinking about it or entering in recipes or things like that. The more you can repeat foods, the less you have to think about it and the more it's just like, well, it's time for my yogurt bowl. Have the same yogurt bowl every day. And you have to balance that with your food preferences. Some people feel really restricted when they eat the same foods over and over. But if you're someone who feels like you're spending a lot of your time planning or thinking about food, repeating food can be very helpful to moving past that. But I love the point that you made about if I think about it for 20 minutes at night, then I don't have to think about it the rest of the day. And now you can see how that's a both hand, you just did that yourself like a both hand. I can support my goals and I can also support this other goal of having a better relationship with food and those things can both coexist. How are you feeling?
Amber B 25:36
Okay. What are you taking away from this conversation that we just had?
I am enough and, and find the ends, so. I am so appreciative. I want to listen to this over and over and over again and find all the little nuggets.
Amber B 25:59
Yeah. I actually really recommend that for any of you guys. Whoever get on the hot seat I really recommend going back and re listening to your call. You'll hear different things as you do that. One thing I'm going to challenge you. Elise. Sometimes I get these, like, little inklings of things and I always just say them because they're helpful for somebody. But when you said the words I am enough, I don't know if you felt something, but I for sure felt something. And I think it can be really powerful to sit with your hand over your heart, eyes closed, and say those words to yourself and feel what that feels like in your body and just, again, stating that truth and feeling that truth again, that's how we feel. Truth is like, in our bodies with emotions. And so feel what that feels like when you say I'm enough, I’m enough, and using that as a mantra for you to reground yourself each day and remind yourself of that.
Amber B 26:54
Awesome question. Thanks, Elise.
Coaching Session Summary 26:59
I hope that that was a valuable experience for you, and I hope you saw the value of just listening to somebody else get coached. One of the things you may have noticed is that I don't coach like a lot of coaches. My job is not to sit there and tell Elise what to do. Tell her what her problem is, tell her what the next step is. Tell her all the things that she's doing wrong and here's what she should do right. That is not coaching. I don't know what that is. That's advice giving. That's telling somebody what to do. And the way that I coach is from a space of facilitation, and it's from a space of helping you to dive deep into the answers and unlocking the answers that are already inside of you. And that's why you hear me ask really probing questions to Elise, to really get down to what is at the root of keeping her stuck and how can we help her to move past it. And hopefully that process that I took Elise through was also really valuable to you.
I hope you like listening to a live coaching call. If you enjoy this kind of format, please let me know. I'm always looking for feedback of the types of episodes that you prefer. You can always DM me over on Instagram @bicepsafterbabies or on Facebook, or even on TikTok, cause I'm on TikTok now. But I do love hearing from you about what you love about the podcast, what types of episodes that you really like, and if this is a format that you like a lot, let me know, because I'm happy to put more of these on the podcast if they're helpful for you. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong, because remember, my friend, you can do anything.
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