312: Weight Loss Doesn’t Have To Be “Hard, Fast, and Miserable” with Tulin Emre

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 312.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey! Welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and I am bringing it on to the podcast today my friend Tulin. Now, I interviewed Tulin back in episode 44, and that episode is titled The Size Of Your Body Doesn't Determine The Size Of Your Journey, and it's a fantastic episode. So, if you're interested and go back and listen to that episode. But I recently met up with Tulin and we had lunch. We live near each other and just kind of caught up after the pandemic and a lot of things that she'll story, that she'll share in the podcast and just whatever like, catch up with each other. And as I heard Tulin's story and what she has been experiencing the past couple of years and what she's learned from that experience, I looked at her I said, Tulin we have to have you back on the podcast. We have to have you come and share this story on the podcast because I think so many of you will find aspects of her story so incredibly relatable. If you are in a plus size body, there are aspects of this going to be very relatable, if you are a caregiver and whatever that you know, however, that shows up for you. You are going to find this incredibly relatable. If you have been somebody who has gained weight because of stress, you're going to find this incredibly relatable. If you are somebody who in the past, or maybe even currently, still feels like working out as a punishment. I have to beat up my body, you know, it needs to be miserable for it to be effective and for it to work. This episode is going to be incredibly relatable to you, so I can't wait for you to dive in and hear the story of my friend Tulin.  

Amber B 02:38 

I am so excited to welcome to the podcast Tulin, thanks for joining me today, friend. 

Tulin Emre 02:43 

Thank you for having me. I'm super excited to talk to you. Like, I really am. 

Amber B 02:47 

This is going to be really fun. Tulin and I had lunch a couple weeks ago and I was like, Tulin you got to come back on the podcast, we need an update, we have so much she has so much to share and so much wisdom to be able to impart and I'm just, I'm really thrilled to be able to share my friend with the audience. 

Tulin Emre 03:04 

Well, thanks for having me. This is going to be fun. 

Amber B 03:06 

Yeah. OK. So, you are a little bit of an OG in the fitness space and specifically when we're talking about like plus size fitness, you're kind of a trail blazer and kind of like some one of the first to really do it and do it well and make a name for yourself in that area. So, I kind of want you just walk me through how that happened? 

Tulin Emre 03:29 

OK, so that was never my intention. So, when that whole journey happened, we were in another very difficult time in our life. We had a very successful business that we had to shut down due to my husband's business partner who threaten to kill 40 employees.  

Amber B 03:44 

Oh my gosh! 

Tulin Emre 03:45 

Our family like it was just that. And so in that process was just like a, we were very ashamed what was going on and we had no sense of self like our vision of our self is only or our value was only through other people's eyes. And so of course we have lots of value and we had lots of money and the great parties and the great cars and then like what we might need a casserole. We weren't as valued. But to be fair, people hadn't had the experiences that we had, so we were really talking to the wrong people. We wanted to be seen, heard and understood, and it felt more like we were being chastised, shamed, and whatever third thing I could think of later, probably. But so that's when that happened, we lost everything, has multiple sclerosis, loses ability to walk, had two little boys and we shut everything down to protect ourselves and our employees. And probably in hindsight we could have done things differently. But that's just kind of what we knew. And so, when I started on this journey, I gained 180 lbs at that point, so I was nearly tipping the scale at 400 lbs. And that was my way of dealing with tragedy, difficulty, I was very reactionary and when I started on this particular chapter of my fitness journey, it was with all the normal things. I have to lose weight. I have to lose weight. I have to lose weight. And well, to be honest, I didn't think anybody cared. They didn't care about me. And so, when I started sharing on social media my personal journey, it was just a place for me to kind of like put it out there. To dedicate myself to 14 days of movement and let's see what happens without beating up on myself. But the reason why I'm a trailblazer is because I had two industries that said it belong, the plus size industry and the health and fitness industry. The plus size industry said I shouldn’t share my journey. It's bad for plus size women and the health and fitness industry said women like you don't belong and so I said here, pulled my protein shake. 

Amber B 05:42 

Watch me. 

Tulin Emre 05:43 

Yeah, watch me. But that's in all of anticity that's not where I was. I was desperately alone, frustrated, nears and bad cardiovascular shape. And I just shared on my social media for a place to, I guess, connect with myself, something visual thinking nobody was watching. Lo and behold, there were a lot of people that started watching. 

Amber B 06:07 

And when you say that you feel like the plus size industry didn't want you, was that because you were like the plus size industry was trying to be like embrace that about themselves and not change it? And so you coming in and saying I'm plus size and I want to get fitter was like a disruption to that industry 

Tulin Emre 06:25 

So yes, it was a huge disruption and I was basically and in fact they tried to cancel me. So, I used to be a plus size model and I was a plus size model that won to show that fit has no size, which has been my platform for over 2 decades. And when I went back into the industry when I was really, really broken down and really difficult for me to be seen, because people hadn't seen me in that condition. Yes, plus size nearly 400lbs. Why is that difficult? Because I wasn't comfortable in the skin I was in and so I was vulnerable, but in that moment there was the old me had peaked out. And so, I was told I had to stop sharing. It was a client that I started working with, that I need to stop sharing my fitness journey online because what I do is bad for plus size women, that I was advocating for weight loss. What I was advocating for was the release of what was no longer serving me through self-abuse, because that's all I knew was to abuse myself and I remember we had nothing, like we were barely at a broken homelessness, we were on the verge of eviction every single month, you know, utilities are getting shut off left and right. It's like, what do we pay first? Always food in the fridge. Maybe had to borrow electricity from the neighbor. And my husband, I think he like $2.00 turning like which is quite an improvement from negative whatever we were, and my husband looked at me and he said friends don't let friends die. And I said and that's where I really said here, hold my protein shake. Something needs to change. And so, I went out and I'm really glad that happens. As a Matter of fact, the person who actually said that to me now shares her entire fitness journey online. You see a lot of plus sized women doing it. But there was this, I don't know what they were thinking. Like if we get healthy that there was. I'm not even sure of the messaging. I'm really, really not and I get confused a lot with body positivity, which I'm not because I believe that everybody should be positive about their body, whether they're your size or my size or whatever that is. And so, this whole inclusivity that was really exclusive, just the hypocrisy. I just couldn't do it. That was a lot of hypocrisy. 

Amber B 08:32 

So interesting. So you know, you're getting back, so first of all, how do you, when you are down and out and struggling to like keep the lights on, how do you even start to dedicate any brain power or energy or time or effort into taking care of yourself or like health and fitness, or like working out? It just seems like if there is any time in your life to give you a pass, to give you a very valid excuse of like survival mode and hey, we can go to the gym later. Like how? Why is that even in your mind as to something that was important to do for yourself? 

Tulin Emre 09:09 

So, if I went back to re-lose the over 100 lbs I've lost and maintain, I would not have done it the way that I did because I only knew what I knew, so regardless of, I knew that I was shifting my brain set cause I at that point, when I dedicated that 14 days of movement, was the first time that I said, let me celebrate what I accomplish and not chastise myself for what I cannot do. I swayed side to side for two or three minutes and nearly vomited. And I'm like good workout. Like, I didn't beat myself up or speak negatively to people on the screen or speak negatively about myself. So that part of it I wouldn't change because it's really been a catalyst behind what I'm doing now. But I was still fighting this old way of doing things, so any kind of eating thing I brought up or any kind of workout program, what I found was I knew there was another way, but I was finding I was, my actions were continuing to reinforce my old ways. And so it was like these two worlds that were like, I know we can come together and create something really amazing. But I was really fighting my old programming, not knowing that I had a choice in shifting the way that I think like shifting my relationship with myself and actually falling in love with fitness and nutrition. I accidentally fell in love with it. I was being a PE dropout but I certainly, initially started the very hard way. 

Amber B 10:37 

And so, you started really small like which I love. It's like swaying side to side. It's like the 14 days of movement, weren't you going out and like running, you know 5 miles? It was like basic, what can I do to get started? You know, where can I start? Where am I at right now? And what can I do to move forward? And I think it's really valuable and really important. One thing there's, there are some differences and I know because you speak to this on your Instagram account, and you talk about like there are differences with working out as a plus size woman that maybe other size women don't quite understand or it's just it's different. Can you speak to some of those differences and ways that you're able to relate to women? Because you've had the same experience. I think it's just so valuable that you're working alongside of them in the same size body, and you know those different things that they're gonna have to experience and overcome throughout their working out. 

Tulin Emre 11:30 

Well, I will say this, when I walk into a gym now or I see workout program and I see bodies like mine or similar or somewhere on that size of the size spectrum, I'm really a proud Mama about that because that didn't exist even a decade ago and really been coming into, I want to say vogue, it makes it sound like it's trendy, but coming into acceptance. One of the big things about being a plus size woman is that obviously our body and there's things to consider and so this is a shame that my belly gets in the way or my belly hangs or I may have to adjust the way that I get into equipment or I can't use that particular equipment or I need to start with sumo squats to make room for my belly versus a traditional squat, you know, and so it was really understanding that our bodies are working with what we've got. And removing that shame. And so that's that gap, right. It's actually a really small gap that we turn into this gigantic chasm that we feel like we have to bridge and it's not. And so it's really understanding that and so what really needed to happen was we needed to be seen, heard and understood and not be validated by society, but validate ourselves like our worth was still wrapped up around the size of our pants and the number on the scale.  

Now, there has, I feel like in order to find balance, the pendulum has to swing way, way out, right. So we have the real body positivity thing that happened and then it's like, well, I don't care if I'm not losing weight. Well, there is the conversation that that, you know, I just turned 50. 50! And there are new considerations that take into effect that I'm now in my second-half of life, the best of it. Right. And So what happens is that we feel like we have to lose weight to create validation and now it's like, well, you don't need to work out to lose weight, which I agree with, but the bigger conversation is what happens to those people who do need to lose weight and are struggling with the conversations going on. Well, you should just move your body. Move your body, which I also agree. Because, again, I'm the grandma mall behind that messaging.  

So how do you bring the two worlds together? Shift your relationship with yourself, and then see movement. And fitness and nourishment. And if you follow particular eating philosophies, like how do you do that all? And then do it in a way that actually fills you up. That feels aligned versus not so workout and diets are punishment. Right. And that's the reinforcing that we're doing ‘No pain, no gain’ you know, go from not moving your body to suddenly going and doing our cross fit class like even Amber, who's on the opposite end of the size spectrum than me, if she was not doing the kinds of lifts and things that she does and if she moved from being, let's say, more sedentary and then said, hey, I'm going to take a CrossFit Class I'm going to crush it like everybody else. It's not realistic for any size body. 

Amber B 14:32 

Right. Yeah. 

Tulin Emre 14:33 

Right. So those are the things that we have to look at is like what? Why does everything have to be about punishment and misery? And why do I identify with that so much or we identify with that so much? And why do we struggle with the good sides of it? Because we never experienced it and it wasn't supported, and we have an entire industry which thank God, there's been a shift. But it's been like here, let me help you fail a lot so you buy more with your all the dollars that are on that table, it should be, Hey, let's come up with a way to meet you where you are so that you succeed and so that you continue to invest in your health, right, so that's been the problem, is that people don't understand even how to feel, because usually women who are plus sized are very undernourished. They are not sitting on couches eating bonbons. They are typically undernourished and under eating.  

And then this idea that being connected to a feeling that's positive that often is so fleeting is also very uncomfortable. And so, we in the beginning, we don't even know how to travel this journey without it leaving us feeling worse than when we got started. And that's not what movement and nourishing is about. It's the opposite. So how do we get comfortable with something that feels good that, yes, something that's challenging. So pain is pain. Good is good, bad is bad. There's no Gray, and this is an entire world of like, fluffy grayness. You know that meets you, it's like ranges that meets you where you are that you can journey versus like focus on destination. I hope that answer the question. 

Amber B 16:07 

Yeah, it was really good. I find it so interesting of thinking a little bit of like your journey and how it leads to you know how you kind of speak to women now, it's you know you mentioned having a business that failed and previous to that, there was a lot of acknowledgement. There was a lot of accolades. There's a lot of external validation and you lost that and it was like all the external validation went away and now it's like, oh crap, what do we do? Do I go for more external validation? Or do I turn inwards and work on my own validation? And it seems like you crashing down made that like pivot point for you and saying, hey, I gotta work on my own self and validate my own self and now you're able to turn around and support other women and being able to do that as well. Because I think as plus size women there is a lot of judgment like it. It it is that phobia is a thing, right? There is a lot of judgment in the world of women in larger bodies. And if we are just relying on that external valuation, you're not going to get it in the world, unfortunately, it's hopefully changing, but it's not there yet. And so it's like how can we internally validate ourselves and you've been able to have gone through this experience of having to have that, that pressure point yourself now allows you to be able to support other women through it. 

Tulin Emre 17:21 

Yeah. And just chorus question for fairness to my husband. The business didn't fail, it was actually wildly successful. We shut it down to protect, but yeah. Yeah, it's this. It's this the size of our body creates validation because somebody's gonna say something somewhere because they think you need to know what you already freaking know. Like even you know I've I helped launch the Fabletics. I was the first plus size woman of size too, and I helped them launch their plus size line. I made a tremendous impact on the messaging that beach body has done that's now body. I'm not an active coach. But just to give you an idea, is there, you know, a billion dollar business and I don't know what Fabletics is, but for them to be able to see the other side of what this actually looks like, like how do we travel this journey in self validation? Well the problem is, is that we keep adding layers and not getting to the root. So like for example, I always say my mindset is BS. Now you and I know that mindset is not BS, but to really help people understand is that what are these things that we continue to reinforce? Why do we keep thinking it has to be punishing workouts? Why do we keep thinking it has to be about losing as much as possible, as fast as possible? Where is this coming from? Why do we keep reinforcing this, right? And so, to be able to look at this journey and be able to like, OK, how do I self-validate myself? So we think mindset.  

Well, the problem is it's like looking on your graph. I am beautiful. I am strong. Now, those words are very normal to me now, but in the past I would get visually angry and cry and shake and run down the spiral of the rabbit hole of self-hatred. Because I was thinking if I just said these things enough that I would believe myself, but at the root of my being I was the polar opposite of that, should I say, is the brain set like the root that that was never going to change. It was always going to be a temporary fix. It had to be fast. It had to be hard. It had to be miserable. And so all that did was help me gain it back. Super, Super, super fast, right. And nothing changed. It's like if you've ever met somebody who's lost 100 lbs, 50 lbs, whatever it is, but they're just as miserable as they were at their heaviest weight. Because it's like these are, there's all these temporary fixes. So that's why I say mindset is BS. If we can fix the root of our relationship with ourselves and really see the ridiculousness of this reinforcement of programming that other people have instilled in us, then once we change that, then the mindset starts making a difference because it's more aligned versus so far apart. 

Amber B 19:58 

It's really good. We all get curveballs thrown at us throughout lives that's one of the constants is the unexpectedness of life. And recently you've had a pretty big one that's been throwing your family's way. Are you willing to share a little bit about that experience and what's been like? 

Tulin Emre 20:14 

I'm wearing mascara. Yes, I am. 

Amber B 20:20 

So where do, where do you want to start? 

Tulin Emre 20:22 

Where do you want to start? Hit me. 

Amber B 20:24 

Yeah, well, OK. So you mentioned previously that your husband has MS and that was diagnosed in his 30. 

Tulin Emre 20:30 

May will be 30 years. He's 19. 

Amber B 20:32 

Yeah. So it's been for majority of his life, you know, walk us through a little bit about what you know MS is very unpredictable. There's ups and downs. So what is the ups and downs been like and then specifically recently what has happened? 

Tulin Emre 20:46 

So I, one of the things about the journey with MS it's like and this has been a big brain set shift for me as well is this idea that there's this thing that's happening that's very compartmentalized, and there's a beginning and an end, and with MS it's not, it's literally like I'm going to go back to, like, hold my beer. It's like, hold my beer. Let me show you what's next. Let me create a scenario that's so reactionary that your entire life is just going to shut down. And so, a couple of years ago, we've had a few phase of this and my husband's come back. My husband never fully came back from the bed. And it's been just kind of this, this slow little spiral afterwards, got it a couple of times and he had like all these, we had all these other things going on in our life that would flare up his MS. Because stress is horrible for everyone. If you ever want proof on how bad stress is for the body, want somebody with a chronic illness and stress. And that will make you want to shift some things real fast.  

So, he kept getting hit with either very stressful situations. It could be a fever and it was just like one thing after another, after another. So, we don't know if this MS is in fact advancing or if they are his layer ups affected by the outside. Now, my husband's a scientist. He's had this for 30 years. He's well versed in all the difference, inflammation, all the things like you can write a book on it. OK. But just because you have all the knowledge you have to be realistic about the real life experiences. And so in the past couple years I went very quiet on social media because my, I moved from being his caregiver, you know, hands on occasion to like very hands on from helping him and get dressed. Helping him out of the shower, you know he does as much as he possibly counts on his own, but then there's just these things that come up that just really needs my assistance. And so of course, I wasn't prepared because the universe loves to throw monkey poo, right? It's always going on you guys. There's always 20 things going on. And as women, I think we are notorious for like being able to handle a lot of fires all at once and not even realizing we're doing it because it's just what we do. 

Amber B 22:59 

Just what we know. 

Tulin Emre 23:00 

Just what we know. Right. But when you really break it down, it's like, whoa, wait. So, the MS came on more significantly, requiring me be a caregiver and so a lot of us are caregivers and we over complicate it. Like my neighbors across the street are 80 years old. They have two kids that are severely disabled like ohh, that's really, clearly a caregiver. But most of us are caregivers because we tend to give care to others and other things and not to ourselves. So, it's a wide range.  

Amber B 23:33 

Sure.  

Tulin Emre 23:34 

And in this process like days would go into nights and weeks would pass and months would pass. And I just got to the point after being so active on social media and just sharing mail, sent a journey that I just didn't have that much in me anymore. I had to take care of myself. So, I told you I shifted my brain set, so I prioritized my self care to make sure that I'm there for my family, we do shield my kids from it as much as possible. They know all the things, but I want my kids to be kids, to have some awareness, but they don't need to carry all those things other than very helpful things that they can't do. And then of course, my own community of women and that I serve and but everything outside of social media is social media became a thing and it went against my authenticity because I just. It was so on the background and in that like you said, all the accolades, all being known, having a following, having a list and having all those things and all of a sudden like I would get these messages or if you received these messages on Instagram, that's like people would, I don't know what they do, but somehow they report you and that Instagram send you a message saying, are you OK? People are worried about you. 

Amber B 24:50 

Oh my gosh. 

Tulin Emre 24:51 

Yeah, and I got a lot of those. I'm like wow, I must. 

Amber B 24:53 

It's kind of kind like people are thinking about you. 

Tulin Emre 24:57 

It is because in this world with, you know the shutdowns we've had and things like that when you start to disappear, other people disappear too. And so, your world just goes pft! really small like this was it. It was the inside of my house, my little family, that's all I had and it's still small right now. I'm slowly getting up and expanding it as best I can but our world’s change. And my husband and I bring the business together and I just, I only have so much space for myself, my family, and those I served, and I just disappeared for a little bit. 

Amber B 25:43 

The thing that, as you're telling the story Tulin, that I just really want to highlight and maybe you see this, maybe you don't. But I'm going to say it so I want everybody else to see it. We all have things that happen in life and crazy events and you only have so much time, energy, effort that we are able to apply. And it's so interesting to me that when put in that scenario and in that situation, what you chose to let go of was helping everybody else and instead you focus on the most important things, which was taking care of yourself and taking care of your family and I think if intellectually, if any of us are going to go through our life and prioritize things, those should be at the top of our list. But, but I think oftentimes because of the external validation, it can be very hard to give up on the social media following on the business, on the revenue on the like all the shiny things and I see a lot of people sacrifice their family or sacrifice their own mental health or sacrifice their own personal health in order to keep the other thing running. And I just want to like do a big, huge celebration of you of like when push, came to shove and given the option, you chose the best things to focus on, you chose the most important things to focus on and let the external validation fall away. And that speaks to the work that you've done on yourself. To be able to allow you to really prioritize that which is most important. 

Tulin Emre 27:05 

I live the opposite, right. I have. 

Amber B 27:09 

What it looks like if you do the other, other way? 

Tulin Emre 27:11 

Yeah, that was my entire life. We both did, it was like there could be like a major earthquake happening. We'd still be our computers. I mean, we're Californian, so we would, but like I remember, Hurricane Sandy happened. I was working with the Plus Size magazine and there's like trees falling down all around. The woman that I worked together with and we're still, you know, working through the night and still got that issue out on time and so we lived our lives, that we would. It was only work and no matter what was going on around us, we just did that and everybody around us suffered. And so, when I, this is really our mutual mentor, James was one of the things, he really challenged me on was you need to get out of the chaos. What chaos? What are you talking about? I just tell me what to do and I'll do the things and I lived in a world of chaos and so as I removed the chaos and as I started to get accustomed to calm or just the white space, just the quiet, my brain was no longer trying to insert the chaos and said, hey, I see you're on this path of really enjoying calmness.  

And so for the most part, because I chose the opposite of focusing on myself, focusing my family. Since I was already serving in my community, it reduced my stress load and the other side of it too is my husband recently said I'd recorded him and I just having a conversation about the whole taking care of yourself because people say I put my kids first. Martyr Badge, martyr badge. Right. So, you're teaching your kids, they don't have value and that everybody else matters more than themselves. And I can't invest in myself because I have kids. Well, you're going to have to pay for your health choices. Or you can help pay for your wellness or I should say, invest in your wellness or you're going to have to pay for your healthcare, right? So my husband said to me, he said if you don't take care of you, how do I? And I went, here we are.  

Amber B 29:12 

Yeah.  

Tulin Emre 29:13 

So that's not how the rules work. So, when I deadlift, I deadlift so I can lift my husband on the bed. When I squat, so I can pick something up because he can't you know, and so the intentionality behind it is I keep myself strong for me because physically and mentally, because the ripple of fact goes into my family and my husband understands that I have value too. That's never been a question, but that I matter just as much.  And my kids recognize that they also have value and that the two can exist in the same, you know, in the same world that we can prioritize ourselves and prioritize others and by actually doing that, we're giving people the best of us, not the rest of us, we spend more time making sure our freaking phones are charged 100% and on average, when I ask those that I serve what their personal battery is on a daily basis, my start is 20, 30, 40%. Their phone has chargers in the car, in their purse, at the office, in the toilet and like all the places and like where are your chargers? Do I always have it right? No, but as caregivers and some really important conversation, we are frustrated. We're angry. We are scared. We're disoriented. We're unsure. We're figuring out we're falling flat in our face. And oh, how can you say this as a caregiver? You know, why are you blaming that person? We didn't blame, we're humans and so if we don't pour into ourselves that's the energy that we're bringing. And trust me, after the 4th, my husband has to go through several steps a day, we're just talking this morning, like hey, when this happens, when you create a system because I don't think we gotta take these 20 steps. I think we can just cut it down these two, and he's like, you know, you're right. Right. So it's like be able to step outside to kind of take the 30,000 views. 

Amber B 31:13 

Love, I love that you guys are systematizing it. 

Tulin Emre 31:16 

We are like, we have to systematize. His multiple sclerosis in all openness, he's, you know, I help him change his diaper. Well, every time we do that doesn't require a shower like we, and that's exhausting for him. He has to crawl out of the shower. So, you know, we can have these open conversations about what's happening, but how can we stop being reactive and start creating a system? Because what happens is, when it's late at night and I foolishly think that I'm going to go from point A to point B, like go from hanging on my couch, going straight to bed, but once I head back, there are these nine things that my husband needs, right, I'm making up a number. And I want to be there without being frustrated. But if I'm tired by the end of the day and if I don't have good systems in place. I am vocalizing because if I keep it inside it's like a cancer. I am vocalizing like we have to create better systems because I am exhausted right now, like I don't have anything left in my bucket now, do I still help him? Of course I do, but I've got a pretty crappy attitude at that point because I'm a human being. Being human, that's been pushed past her limits and she just wants to go to bed and that is not an option and I will not be feel ashamed for speaking the truth because that's the problem is that we can't speak of our truth, because we want to be judged.  

And it's in those moments and those frustrations, we gotta look at my, said we're reacting. We cannot run a business and be in service than other people and most importantly to ourselves and our family. If we're constantly reacting to what's going on, so season changes. Boom, Universe stares, monkey poo smacks you in the face. Season changes. You don't have the answers. I can't set expectations based off of what? Instead I've got to just go with the flow, have the experience, make room for what's going on, take a lot of messy action, so then I can get clear. Right. And we know that action creates clarity. And so that I can get clear and then I can do it from I know my integrity. I know my heart. I know my love for my husband. How can we do this better? And we figured it out. And I think we came up with a really good solution today, to figure it out so we can expand our world. And you know he's been coming out the pickleball court with me. He's like, hey, Tulin, I think you got something here. You do something as a former CIF doubles champion in tennis and so he's been kind of kickball for and coaching me and so we have found a way to get him back on the court, get him in the sun, get him with other people. Not like when we got you on the sun and on the court and around other people. No. It just so happens these, the benefits of it and so that we can keep your connect in this new hobby that I have had for only eight months and I've done on my own up until about a month ago. 

Amber B 34:04 

Yeah. That's so neat. Yeah. And I really think something that you said hit me so hard was the idea of being honest with our partners, being honest with ourselves. I think when we're not honest, we end up building resentment and like you said, it's like kind of cancerous and it ends up coming out in other ways. And so it's like, how can we be honest with ourselves? How can we be honest with our partner and then how can we be collaborative? That's what I'm hearing you say is like. And then we come together and be collaborative to be able to solve this problem. And I love that. You know, you can't take the business out, owner out of somebody and so we got to create a system, we got to make this effective and efficient and work together to do it right. It's not top down. It's not. I'm a parent and you're I'm the caregiver. I'm the parent and you're the child. And the person I care for it's like no, we're on equal playing fields and how do we work together as a partnership to be able to make that happen, and I think it's beautiful. 

Tulin Emre 34:54 

And it is, it really is. And we do have a very beautiful relationship. We make jokes about things that people would probably find appalling. They're not in the situation like we really are deeply connected. But we have a rule. And it's hard when you're in the throes of it, right, like you have to, you have to choose our heart, but going down the path and just letting every, letting MS take over is also hard and there was, I was looking at some. I was looking at some video from like just like a year and a half ago. 2 years ago and he was in a vastly different, still struggling, but in a vastly different place and I found myself having a lot of feelings and I'm OK with my feelings as a girl who stuffed down her feelings, avoided them, like, have the feelings are going to pass in like 90 seconds. You know, whatever. And so I was having all the feelings so I went from all nostalgia to like listen, he's laying on his back in the bedroom, there's a guy basically can't move, right and I'm we're you know. I'm not like standing over him like this, but I am. That's a scenario. That's the visual, right? He's on the ground on his back. I'm standing over him and I looked at him and I said, and I've had, it has conversation a couple times. You have a responsibility. Either we allow the MS to rob you from everything or you have the responsibility that while your legs work to whatever degree, to figure out a way to make your weight legs work better like you need to take the steps to take better care of yourself and immediately like you start to break down. So I could tell you then think about it, because it's getting so hard to come back. It's getting so, it's getting so hard. But where the resentment comes from is that every ability he loses is another responsibility I take, yeah. I don't care what our diagnosis is, what our situation or circumstances are. We have a purpose and a reason to be on this earth, and we should make the best of it and the best of it will look a lot different for a lot of people. He has a personal responsibility to take better care of himself, and when you keep getting knocked down, keep getting knocked down, keep getting knocked down. Sometimes it's really hard to get the clear vision of, like, OK, now I'm gonna take better care of myself and go take those steps. No, because you're in this loop, right? And it's like you just got to. Like, throw your hands and arms out because it's like rock bottom, rock bottom, rock bottom and it just goes on forever.  

OK, so where I do have feelings is if he chose not to take steps to better his ability. If he didn't take care of himself, then that becomes a very unbalanced relationship, because then everything falls on me like I like going to bed with a made bed, and so every night when I make the bed, just a duvet is pretty simple. When I do that, I remember that my husband used to cover me at night. He'd make the bed for me or there are certain errands that I run and that would be his thing to do. And it wasn't like traditional rules, but I remind him that we’re equal, how things have shifted. So him, like him going for a Costco run is not realistic. Like, yes, he can have a motorized scooter. But that's an unnecessarily, unnecessary use of his energy and other ways he can use his energy that's more beneficial to him. So when he takes the time and he orders Costco and it shows up via Instacart is like so helpful and so meaningful. And it's like again figuring out the systems like I can't give them these ways, but here's what I can do. But he's still got two legs that work to some degree. He's got the most genius brand I’ve ever seen in my life. He's incredibly loving. We've been through everything and together any one of things I've been through broken up our relationship. In the traditional world, that just made us stronger and but he has a personal responsibility to take care of his health and the best way he can to recover as much as he can, because that is a true relationship that is fighting together or work in harmony. 

Amber B 39:15 

Yeah. What I'm hearing you say is like what you, what you don't want is for him to give up. It's like he's not gonna be able to do what he used to be able to do. And you know, that's just the circumstances. But it's like that effort, it's the giving up and just laying there and letting the MS take over is not OK. And so it's like whatever he's able to do, that's enough. As long as it's, it's pushing forward. And I like, I've known Tulin and Kareem for a long time and I followed Kareem on Facebook and I see his lift like for so long, his lifting videos and the man has a dedication and an ability to be able to push past what a lot of people, I would lay down and just give up on and, you know, there are hard things and there are setbacks, but I know him on a personal level and he is not someone who tends to give up when things are hard. And neither are you. 

Tulin Emre 40:10 

No. No, that's where all the years of experience have come in to help, right. So all the time the monkey been smacked me in the face. It's like I'm able to do the next challenge even better because of this experiences. They're not failures to things we said about. They were opportunities in order to prepare better for whatever the future holds. 

Amber B 40:28 

We used to be a little bit too, because I know one of the hard things and we talked about the prioritization of. And you've spoken so beautifully to it, the prioritization of taking care of yourself in order to, because you are valuable in and of yourself, not just to take care of somebody else. But because you have value, but what does that look like for you, especially as someone who is basically a full time caregiver, needs to be around Kareem and help him out. How are you working out these days? How are like, what does it even look like for you in this stage of life? 

Tulin Emre 40:57 

So we were going to the gym together. We have a full blown gym that we built out in the garage and we like to work in seasons like what is we always want movement and nourishment to feel good, right? Food to be yummy and movement to be, you know, in some way fulfilling. I want to say fun but you know can be fun but that we enjoy it. And so we are going to the gym quite a bit and as these things are kind of coming up, it was becoming more and more difficult for him to do that. This is the guy that we grab 125 LB dumbbells and like floor press, right. And then like have to crawl across the gym or like, just like it's just, you know everybody knows there. So we were very much into lifting and we still are. 

Amber B 41:26 

Oh yeah, totally. 

Tulin Emre 41:36 

But as kind of things shifted. I wasn't doing all the normal things, plus I had this terrible bout of sciatica. So everything had to shift and I was like, I want to get outside more of the sun is so beneficial. Blah blah blah. What can I do? What something I want to try and I had a friend invite me to pickle ball on a Saturday. By that Monday I joined a beginner league. It's 5 minutes away from my house. Usually somebody's at home with my husband as well, it's not like someone’s need to be with him all the time by any means, but I always stay really, really close to home and so in this particular season for me was like how do I fast track the natural processes that are already going on in my brain, my body, my nervous system? Like how do I take advantage of what's already going on and then how do I do less with more impact? And so one of those things for me was just walking, like I started walking backwards, things like that heal me through my sciatica is taking these steps and I'm like, I want to be outside more, cause the shutdowns happened. I loved my gym, had outdoor workouts like I miss this. I miss being outside and these four walls are getting a little claustrophobic. And so I had made a gentle shift into pickleball. And she's been enjoying the season. So now my strength training is being the shift as I get back into that to like how can I up level my pickleball cause I was that person that strength trained but didn't have the best mobility, right. Like I was strong AF but like I would struggle with mobility. So this year I want to dedicate myself to fluidity and mobility. I am confident that my husband is a huge inspiration behind that because it's a gift. And so that's the direction that I chose to go in. And so now everything that I do, it's about strengthening those now new fluidity and mobility that I've gained over the past eight months. 

Amber B 43:34 

Looks so awesome. It's, I think when we can find a purpose behind our movement as you have, it does. It brings some sort of reason for doing it. It's like this is why I'm doing it and I think that that helps us to feel that motivation to show up day after day because there's a purpose behind it. And that's really valuable. 

Tulin Emre 43:55 

There's a purpose and then. Also, because I've programmed my body. Like I chose an athlete's brain set. Like I'm like I'm an athlete. Like, if I get physical therapy, they have people work with athletes. If I go to when I had my therapy, was going on with my sciatica. I want someone who worked with athletes and so like because if whatever I have going on my body or my husband and MS like all my searches are insert Bursitis or Achilles tendonitis or plantar fasciitis. I have all these things sciatica 4 athletes. If there is a recovery modality behind this for them than there is for me, right? So I really just want to fast track. Like what is already happening so it doesn't require a lot of thought and that my brain is like pulling me outside and getting the sunlight, pulling me out to go move my body because that's just who I am now right. And that's just such a great place to be because then, and this is the shifting our relationship with yourself that you fall in love with fitness and nutrition, that all those things just become tweaks, right?  

Amber B 44:59 

Yeah, yeah.  

Tulin Emre 45:00 

The 96 to 98% of our day is where I focus. Which makes it 2 to 4%, which is the movement so easy like there used to be a time when movement felt so foreign to me that I couldn't wait for it to be done or any excuse not to do it now when there's a lack of movement. It's so foreign to me that, like my, my brain will find a way to get me to move it's just who I am. 

Amber B 45:25 

That’s awesome. Yeah. It's that shift in identity right.  

Tulin Emre 45:28 

100%.  

Amber B 45:29 

I love that you call yourself an athlete. I think most of you listening can, could take that on as like do you identify as an athlete? And when you do identify as an athlete, how that really shifts the way that you see movement, the way that you see nutrition, the way that you see your body, it just is a huge shift in all of that.  

Tulin Emre 45:47 

It does all the work for you, it just backfills it right? 

Amber B 45:50 

So good. 

Tulin Emre 45:50 

It does all the work for you.  

Amber B 45:53 

Yeah, yeah. OK, this has been awesome Tulin. If somebody is listening to this and they are feeling on the verge of overwhelm, life is throwing them some monkey poo, and maybe they're on the verge of giving up on themselves on a family member on their health and fitness goals, what are some words of encouragement or guidance that you would give to that person? 

Tulin Emre 46:14 

Change your relationship with the word overwhelm and resistance. I like to think of it it's just the brain going, hey, here's a little, here's a little alarm. This is outside of how you normally do things, or if it's overwhelm like this is too big, so I don't have a negative relationship with those two things anymore. Instead, I see them as my brain, my nerves, my body saying, hey, can we check this down a little bit? Like, does it need to be this big? And then once I recognize, I'm like, OK, cool. Let me just break this down into smaller bits, yeah. Again, that came from really taking the steps to make that happen. But the first step you can take is just be like overwhelming resistance don't have to be negatives, they're just a reminder that there is a simplified way of doing things and I'm just trying to take too much on at once. 

Amber B 47:05 

That's really good. That's really good. Well, Tulin, this has been fantastic. Thanks for coming and sharing your story and your wisdom and all the things that you've learned, I think what is so cool about being able to follow different people on social media and being able to have them be really authentic and honest about what's going on is that, I'm sure people listening are able to see themselves in different parts of your story and how awesome is it to have somebody who they can look up to and to see who has navigated these challenging things, who has navigated something that maybe they're experiencing right now for themselves, so thank you for coming on and giving a voice to those people to listen to. 

Tulin Emre 47:43 

Thank you. 

Amber B 47:45 

OK, where can people find you? So if they're like, OK, I know Tulin's coming back, Tulin is coming back, where are we going to find her? 

Tulin Emre 47:52 

Obviously, on social media, you can find me as Coach Tulin on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest. Like all the things. But if you would you know like to learn more about my philosophies and you know breaking these things down, some things I kind of talked about, you're welcome to get my free fit tips at plussizefittips.com. And I'm always running, you know, free classes and things to really help put information in front of people to just to see the possibility cause all we do is just like crack open the door a little bit and then Amber and I'll take you through the rest of it. 

Amber B 48:27 

That's right, that's awesome. Well, Tulin, this has been fantastic. Thank you so much for coming on to the podcast. 

Tulin Emre 48:33 

Thanks for having me. 

Amber B 48:35 

Wasn't that fantastic? We will link up episode 44 in the show notes of this episode. If you want to go back and listen to the other episode that I did with Tulin. It was all the way back in 2019, so it's been a hot minute and obviously a lot of things have happened in her life since then, but I just really appreciate Tulin's perspective. We've always jived since we met each other in 2019, we've always jived with each other in the way that we view fitness and the way that we view the mental work that needs to happen for someone to be able to be successful long term. You heard Tulin talk about the identity work that she has done to make working out easy and a part of her life and something that her body needs and craves and wants and if that's something that you want to be able to get to that point where it's like I want, I want to want to eat vegetables, I want to want to move my body. A lot of the deep inner work, the identity work is how you get there, and that's how you make it easy. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go on and be strong, because remember my friend, you can do anything.  

Outro

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