Today on the podcast, we have something a little special. I was recently interviewed on the podcast Your Nutrition BFF by Lauren Papanos. She brought me on to talk about self-sabotage, where it comes from, why it manifests in our life, and some ways we start to fix it. I’m excited for you to listen to today’s episode, so let's jump right into it!
Find show notes at bicepsafterbabies.com/195
Follow me on Instagram!
- Free 5-days to a fitter you challenge (0:47)
- Self-sabotage (8:07, 10:31)
- Difference between goal setting and self-sabotage (9:16)
- Our beliefs are exactly what translates into our actions that produce results (11:02,12:57, 16:29, 17:58)
- Transformational coaching (19:05)
- Dealing with perfectionism/all-or-nothing thinking (22:24, 24:10)
- Reframing discomfort (36:20, 38:02)
You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio episode number 195.
Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PRs. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife, and mom of four. Each week, my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise mindset, personal development, and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel, and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you, my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in, now let’s jump into today’s episode.
Amber B 0:47
Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host Amber Brueseke. And I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad that you came back. And you're here to listen to another episode, this one is going to be a good one. But before we dive into this topic, I do want to let you know about something special that's coming. If you are tired of your only tool for transformation being restriction and deprivation and you want to be able to look in the mirror and see results. But you're not willing to choose between ice cream and seeing progress then my upcoming free 5-day challenge is for you. In this five day challenge, you're going to learn how easy and fun it can be to crush your goals. And to do it without cutting out sugar, without doing hours and hours and hours of cardio or starting another restrictive diet. In the five-days, you'll have the formula for results without having to overhaul your lifestyle, which means that you're going to get to eat what you like and be able to see the changes in the mirror. Because the truth is, and you know this on some level, misery does not get you better results. And when you cut out your favorite foods, well, that just usually backfires. This is why in the 5-Days to a Fitter you Challenge I'm going to be all about making reaching your goals as enjoyable and as effective as possible.
Amber B 2:11
So here are the things I'm not going to ask you to do. I'm not going to ask you to go through your cabinets, and throw out anything with sugar and ingredients. I am not going to force you to eat dry chicken breast and broccoli five days a week, there are going to be no rules about what time of day you have to eat or how you have to space out your meals. Instead, you'll get access to tried and tested mini challenges every single day that will make your fitness journey easy and dare I say even a little fun. I'm going to take you through many of the same exercises and education during these five-days that I give my paying MACROS 101 clients, including a unique goal setting exercise on day two, which is typically one of the highlights of the week. And then we'll also address the elephant in the room. The fact that maybe you've let yourself down in the past on day three. In fact, if you've been curious at all about what it's like to work with me inside of MACROS 101 and what makes MACROS 101 so different from every other coaching program out there, think about this five-day challenge as a free sneak peak week. If you're someone who wants to crush your fitness goals, and you want to do it without deprivation, without restriction without cookie cutter dieting, then this challenge is for you go to bicepsafterbabies.com/challenge to register for the Free 5-Days to a Fitter You Challenge starting March 21. If you like the podcast, you're going to love our 5-day challenge. So head to bicepsafterbabies.com/challenge and see how fun it can be to hit your goals.
Amber B 3:42
Today on the podcast, we have something a little special. I was recently interviewed on the podcast called Your Nutrition BFF by Lauren Papanos. And when we finished this conversation, she brought me on to talk about self-sabotage. And when we finished this conversation, I asked her, “Can I have that audio?” Because you know sometimes how you just feel like you really nailed something. Gonna toot my own horn.. You feel like you really nailed something. And like you really were able to communicate something in a way that helps people understand. That's how I felt when I got to the end of this episode. I just was really happy with how the whole episode came together. I felt like it was very comprehensive. And I felt like it's something that I haven't I don't have on the podcast currently. So rather than me just sitting down and trying to record a solo episode, I asked Lauren if she would be willing to let me rebroadcast it on my podcast, and she graciously said, yes. So this is an interview where instead of me interviewing someone else, Lauren is actually interviewing me. But the content that we talk about the subject matter is one that is, like so many people want to know and understand more about and that is the topic of self-sabotage. I described what I mean when I say self-sabotage, in the episode and I really get down to where does self sabotage come from. You know, why is it manifesting in your life? How are some ways that we start to fix it? And so I'm really excited about this podcast episode. Thank you to Lauren for letting me rebroadcast it on my podcast. And I guess without further ado, let's jump into Lauren's interview with me about self-sabotage.
Amber, thank you so much for being here. And welcome to the show.
Amber B 5:19
I'm so excited to talk about this because it is one of my favorite topics.
I'm so excited. I'm looking forward to it, and just really thrilled to be having the conversation today.
Amber B 5:29
So why don't you just start off and give the listeners a little bit of an introduction of who you are, what you do and who you help.
Amber B 5:35
Of course. So I'm Amber Brueseke, and I am an online fitness and nutrition coach. I have a history of being a nurse, I got my BSN and practiced as a nurse for a while and then had kids and it ended up after my second child ended up staying home with my children. My husband is a physician. So he was going through training at the time. And I had these two little babies, and then ended up having two more babies, and have four kids now. And during that time, I had my own health and fitness journey, and got to the point where people started asking me what I was doing and how I was making it work. And I was using it utilizing the tool of macro counting to be able to do that. And so people started asking me to coach them, and that spawned my brand Biceps After Babies. And so that's what I do now is I mostly help women to be able to lose weight or change their body composition, by teaching them to use the tool of macro accounting. But the way that I do it is a little bit different. I think that a lot of people feel like they have to choose between an effective plan and one that they actually enjoy. And I truly believe that there's an overlap between those. And so I help women figure out what that overlap is for them, how we can make the plan that you are creating really effective and get you towards the results that you want and really enjoy the process and have a lot of fun along the way.
Now, that's amazing. And it's really cool to hear your background and sounds like you're really busy with four little ones and business and all the things but I love your business name too. And, you know, just with my background in athletics and working as a sports dietitian, you know, it's a fun topic.
Amber B 7:17
Absolutely, yeah. The name Biceps After Babies came to me because I really wanted to, like I started my Instagram account, I really started a lot of my fitness journey after I had babies. And I really wanted people to recognize I think a lot of people think, Oh, I have my best body before I have babies. And I was like no, no, like, you can have your best body at any point, whether it's after babies or after 50 or whatever, like the line is that you've set for yourself. And so that's where Biceps After Babies came from is this idea that like your best body is not behind you. No matter where you are in your life, your best body can be ahead of you and your best life can be ahead of you.
Totally. Well, I'm sure you've shown that to them by just doing it four times over. Right? A little bit of practice. Awesome. Well, why don't you just start off and kind of give us a little bit of background of like, what does self-sabotage mean? How would you define that?
Amber B 8:07
Okay, awesome. Yeah. And I think it's really good that we're starting here. Because I feel like self-sabotage is a term that is more frequently used these days than it maybe has been used in the past. And people kind of toss it around. And I think it can mean different things to different people. The way that I define self-sabotage with my clients is when you say you're going to do something, or you would you want to do something, and then for some reason, you don't do it. And to be honest, we all have moments of our life in different areas where we do this where we say, Oh, I'm gonna go to bed at nine o'clock tonight. And then we don't, or Oh, I'm gonna, like, eat really healthy this week. And then we don't. And it's this disconnection between what we say we want, what we say we're going to do, and then what actually ends up happening. That is what I term self-sabotage.
Yeah, and I do it. I'm sure you do it too, right.
Amber B 9:04
Everybody does it! It's a human phenomenon.
Yeah, totally. And, you know, I mean, what's the difference between goal-setting and self-sabotage? Maybe you see them as different or do you see them being kind of hand in hand?
Amber B 9:16
So I think one of the reasons that people struggle with setting goals is because sometimes they have the experience of when they say that they want something (it's like it when they announce it), like, “I want this”, then they immediately go into that self-sabotage cycle of making sure that they don't get it for some reason, they can't figure out why that happens. So it's like I also want to tell anybody my goals, I also want to set some goals because I don't want to be disappointed again when I don't hit them. And I think that's a really dangerous position to be in when we put so much emphasis on whether or not we reach our goals. And this is like a whole nother topic that I love to talk about, of how most people set goals in very poor manner and how goals can be really empowering and exciting and help you to reach your goals and not become this, you know, A or F. Failing that a lot of people think that goals set them up to feel like a failure.
And do you find in your experience that self-sabotage happens more when the individual sets their own goals or when they're working with say, like a coach like you, and maybe you help them define their goals, or you kind of set the goal, their goals for them.
Amber B 10:31
Okay, good. So let's dive into a little bit of where self-sabotage comes from. And then I'm going to circle back around to your question. I think it's going to make a little bit more sense because that really is like, nobody likes self-sabotage. Nobody's sitting there being like, this is super fun. When I say I'm going to do something, and then I don't do it. Everybody's like, sitting there scratching their head being like, I want this, like, I really want this, why am I doing things that are making it harder to get that? Or why am I pushing that away? And so I think it's important to understand where it's coming from.
Amber B 11:02
And I like to use an analogy to describe this of a tree. And we know that on a tree, there are three basic parts, there's the roots, there's the trunk and then there's like, the branches and the leaves. And I like to label those three parts that the leaves are the branches are like the results that we're getting in our life, right? So like, the tree sprouts, and then you get all these flowers in these leaves. And that's like, all the things that result that we see invisibly in our life. But where do those come from, they come from somewhere, well, where they come from is the trunk, right? The trunk and the branches. And so those are the actions that we take in our life. And we understand that if you take a certain action, you get a certain result, right? If you brush your teeth, you're less likely to have cavities. If you don't brush your teeth, you're more likely to have cavities. So we can very naturally see that link between the actions that you take, and the results that you get. And so what a lot of people try to do is they say, Hey, I want that, they set a goal, right? I want this new reality, I want these new results. And they inherently know, I have to take new actions to get that, like, we get that. I have to take these new actions. And so that's where they focus, they say, I want to lose weight. So now you know, I have to go to the gym, or I have to eat a certain way, or you know, whatever XYZ new actions they need to take to be able to get the result that they have said that they want. And then what they see is they say, Okay, I need to take XYZ action, and then they self-sabotage, and they don't take the action. They're like what the heck, like I have to take this new action to get this new result. And the piece that's missing is what's underneath the action. Right? So we haven't finished with the tree, we started with the leaves, we went to the branches and the trunk. But what's left, what's left is the roots. And the roots are our beliefs and our thoughts.
Amber B 12:57
And so when we start to create this link, and understand that our beliefs, what you think and what you believe, are exactly what translate into your actions, and your actions produce your results, then we start to realize that if I want new results, I don't need to necessarily be focusing on the actions, I need to be focusing on what's underneath the actions, what's deeper than the actions, which is the beliefs, because our beliefs and what we think about ourselves and what we think about possible, what's possible and what we think it's going to take. And all of those things that we're telling ourselves are what inherently create our actions and our actions create our results. That's the reason that understanding is so important, is because we get really frustrated with ourselves, when we just focus on the actions like why, why can I stick to it? What can I just do it? Like, I want this thing? Why can I use to do it? Well, the reason isn't because you lack willpower. The reason isn't because you need more motivation. The reason it isn't because like, you're stupid, like the none of those are the reason the reason is because you're addressing them, you're not addressing the problem, you're addressing a symptom. And when you address the problem, you address what's actually causing it, you address the roots. Well, now the actions and the results naturally are a byproduct of that. So many people are trying to address the symptom, rather than the actual problem. And when we can dive down and fix the problem. Those other things naturally start to clear up.
Yeah, I mean, that's huge. That's good, it gives me goosebumps even just thinking about it. Right? And the way that you described it with a tree I think it's such a good analogy to how it really works. And I mean, it really comes down to mindset, right of like, what are those beliefs conscious subconscious that are driving your actions which are driving your response? And I know that you know, personally, I work with a lot of women who have goals of hormonal balance or you know, something of that sort. And that's a little bit easier. You know, sometimes there are some beliefs but, you know, I find that the beliefs part really impacts more people's relationship with food or or their ability to lose weight and components goals or something of that sort. So you know, an example of someone that maybe comes to you and wants to lose weight and they're really struggling with the follow through of the actions of doing the exercise and meal, prepping and counting their macros and staying consistent with that. What's an example of some beliefs that you've worked on with them to be able to then translate over to those actions?
Amber B 15:26
Okay, so this is a great question, Lauren, because the tricky thing about beliefs is that they aren't universal, right? So each one of us has a completely different belief system. And a different intertwining of beliefs from our experiences, our history, the you know, things that we were told as a kid, right, so we all have these different beliefs. So when I talked about the difference between a symptom and a root cause, the same symptom can be coming up, and the root cause can be very different. So for example, you can have a headache, right? So the headache would be a symptom. And the root cause could be that you're dehydrated, or it could be that you have brain cancer, right? Like, there could be multiple root causes that are causing that symptom. And so when we see a symptom, we can't just say, oh, symptom, okay, this is the underlying belief, we have to recognize, okay, symptom that's telling us something, there's something here and then we have to do a little bit more digging to flesh out what that person's underlying belief is.
Amber B 16:29
So an example that I see a lot with clients and people will likely be able to relate to, I see this pattern a lot of times where people like, I'm able to stick to my macros, I'm able to be really, you know “good” through the week. And then I hit the weekend. And it's like, everything goes to crap. Like, I don't do anything, right. And then it's like, I'm coming back to Monday. And I'm like, recommitting again. And you know, here we go on the roller coaster again. And that cycle continues. So that's a symptom. And a lot of times people try to solve the symptom. So they're like, Okay, I gotta stick to this. So what am I gonna do? I'm gonna, like grit my teeth, I'm gonna just try harder, I'm going to, like, maintain more motivation. I'm just going to have more willpower, I'm just going to say no, again, they're trying to fix like the, they're trying to fix the symptom, when we start to dive down and figure out, okay, well, what beliefs are causing that. So I can't say that there's one belief that causes it, but I can list off some of that it may be. One belief that it can be is that I can't have fun, and stick to whatever plan I'm on. So you can recognize that if you go into the weekend, and you think I cannot have both of these things. At the same time, I cannot have fun and stick to my plan that when you get to the weekend, and you're presented with, well, do you want to stick to your plan, or do you want to have fun, you're like, screw it, I want to have fun. But the underlying belief is that I can't have fun and stick to my plan. So when we start to address that belief and start to shift it, now you can see how that's going to immediately translate into the actions that you're taking over the weekend.
Amber B 17:58
Another belief that it could be is a little bit of perfectionism, or a little bit of all-or-nothing mentality, where we get into the cycle of like, I have to be perfect. And so I can do that during the week. But when it's the weekend, and there's more things that are spontaneous, and I do one thing that like slips me up, well, then I've thrown the whole week thrown the whole weekend out of, you know, out the window, and I'm just gonna, like, eat whatever I want so I can restart on Monday and be perfect for the rest of the week. So that's an example of a symptom that has two different underlying beliefs that are creating it. And so the key is fleshing out what it is, because then we can really get to okay, what is actually causing you to struggle over the weekend and when we solve that, then the actions naturally come.
Sure. And what do you find to be more successful for those that you work with? Is it, you know, rewiring the beliefs? Is it, you know, changing their thought pattern? Where do you find that when someone has that belief that they can't have fun on the weekends, that you're able to actually change that and help them really understand that they can?
Amber B 19:05
Yes, this is where what I call transformational coaching, it's the type of coaching that I do, the type of coaching that I teach really starts to shine, because it's like, okay, great. You know, we can sometimes bring awareness to these beliefs, but you're like, how do I shift it? How do I move this belief? How do I let go of this belief that I have to be perfect? Or that I can't, you know, have both? And so that is really, that's the root of the problem. And the answer is several fold. But awareness is of course, the first thing is. Most people, the tricky thing about beliefs is that we don't see them as beliefs. We just see them as that's the way the world is. You cannot have fun and stick to your plan. Like I've never been able to do that. Like that's not how it works like and but people don't see that as a belief. They're just that's just literally the way that things are. And so that's what's tricky about beliefs and why the first step always has to be bringing awareness to what is running through your subconscious. What are those beliefs that you're repeating to yourself? And oftentimes, that can take an outside source. Because I liken it to having spinach in your teeth, we all have some spinach in our teeth, and we can't see it. It's just how the world is for us. And oftentimes, it takes a little friend leaning over and being like, hey, girlfriend, you got some spinach in your teeth, where we can be like, Oh, thank you, and you can like remove it. So oftentimes, identifying these beliefs can take an outside source, however, people can get trained to kind of discover these themselves. And then once you bring that awareness, then what I like to start doing with clients is starting to poke holes in beliefs. And the more you can like, poke holes, the less water that belief holds, or another metaphor could be, it's like a table with legs, and the more legs, you can take out of the table, you know, eventually the table is going to fall. And so then people can start to release that belief and start to replace it with a new empowering belief. And from that new vantage point, you know, take new actions.
Sure. Well, I'm sure that you know, the confidence of it is huge, too. And I see that a lot with individuals is that, you know, the belief creates lack of confidence in a situation, right. And so then once you change the belief that they can have fun on the weekends and stick to their macros, then now they've done it, they've executed it, and they were like, wow, I had fun. I ate the food, and I stuck to my macros. And then that really shifts their confidence over time. And I think that in itself helps really change that action and that thought pattern.
Amber B 21:44
Absolutely. Because now you've given yourself evidence. Right, now you have evidence. And so again, you're like at, you're like taking out those legs, and you're adding new evidence to this new belief, oh, maybe it is. Like, maybe it is possible that I can have fun over the weekend and be able to stick to my plan. And if that's true, if this is the new belief now, now, you go into the weekends, and it's a lot easier, right? Like, it's like, I've done that before I can do it again. And it really, like you said, improves that confidence moving forward.
What are any other examples outside of you know, the weekend situation that you see come up often for people that you feel like you're working through often?
Amber B 22:24
I would say perfectionism/all-or-nothing thinking is probably, probably another huge one that I work through a lot with clients. And that is because, you know, I kind of mentioned at the beginning that I teach macro accounting. But I sometimes even hesitate to say that, because the way I approach it is so different from a lot of other coaches. I think, macro counting, one of my big beefs with it is that a lot of people have taken the scientific tool, and turned it into a diet, and just taken all that diet mentality of like, you have to hit your macros, and if you don't, you've done it wrong. And like, we got it, we got to, like, stick to this, and we got to grit our teeth. And like, I just feel like a lot of that has been brought into the realm of macro-counting, and it doesn't have to be. And so I really, like in macro-counting, it's like a tool. And yeah, you can use a tool a bunch of different ways, you can use a, you know, a hammer to build a house, so you can use a hammer to destroy a house. And I see a lot of people teaching macro-counting with that, like a diet background. And so I really, I really like to liken it to more of a tool and, and how we use that tool really matters. And I preface with that, because when I go into coaching clients, a lot of them come in with this mentality that like, you have to hit your macros. Like, that's just the rule. Like, if you don't hit your macros, like you're not going to get any results. And it brings this like perfectionistic mentality into it, this all-or-nothing mentality, so that if and if and really, when you go over your macros or you don't hit your macros, people end up throwing their hands in the air, like throwing the towel in and just like not caring. And this all or nothing mentality just really stops them short.
Amber B 24:10
So one of the things I work a lot with clients on is recognizing that like the perfectionist mentality of like, I have to hit my macros spot on and I have to hit them every single day is actually one of the reasons that you're not getting results now, because it's causing the cycle for you. And so that's the belief is like, if I don't hit my macros, I'm not going to get results. And I can show you a million different, like examples of how that wasn't the case. I've never heard anybody who counted macros who cited, Yes, the reason I was successful was because I hit my macros every single day, no fail. Like nobody has ever said that. Nobody's ever cited that as the secret to weight loss. And so we can start to break down this belief and this understanding of like, no, like you actually don't have to be perfect. And let's figure out how we can, or we can make this work for you instead of you having to like, work for it. So that's an example of a belief that I see a lot in clients.
Amber B 25:09
And here's the symptom that I see. So if you're listening and you track macros, you can kind of see, have I ever had this symptom. The symptom tends to be they track when they're on point. And as soon as they know, they're not going to hit their numbers, or as soon as they go over or as soon as they eat something that they don't know exactly how to track it. Or as soon as they go out to dinner, and they like having, you know, something extra, then they stop tracking. That's like the clear symptom to me of that is like, they will track when they're “on track”, and they will stop tracking when they're off track. And if that's ever been the case, you can do a little bit of inner reflection of like, Why did I do that? For many people, it's because they have this belief that if they don't hit their macros, they're not going to be successful. So why the heck would I keep tracking if that's the case. And a lot of what I do is help clients to start to see No, no, like, that's actually not really the point of tracking macros. The point of tracking macros is to get more data, is to just get data and information. So when you go all through the day, and you're “good” and then you eat something bad, and you don't track it. Well, now you've just lost all that data, which is actually really important to know where to go next. And so we can move from this idea of like, it has to be perfect to like, no, actually, it's just data, like it's information, and the more data and information I can get from my body, the better I'm going to be able to do moving forward, we can start to shift that belief and help them to change that pattern and get into like, Oh, I just need to track it. Like when I go over, I go over, it's not the end of the world, doesn't mean I'm not going to get results. It just means I have to be honest with myself and I have to look at that data.
I agree. And I think I always tell people, you know, like, it's better for you to give me a real realistic idea of what things have looked like so that I know how to coach you, right? Because it's really hard to coach someone and modify if you don't really know what they've been doing. Because especially with macros, right? It's a math equation. So it's like, how do you know what to subtract if you don't know what to subtract? Right. So Exactly, yeah, I think those variables are really important. And I agree, I see a lot of perfectionism, where it's that all-or-nothing thinking of, I'm either all in or I'm all off. So if for, you know, one day if they accidentally or they decided they wanted to have something that was not super healthy for breakfast, and it's like, Well, I'm just gonna throw away the rest of the day, because I already ruined the breakfast, right? Whereas instead, what we want to try to get someone to do that would be more successful is then shifting. Okay, how do I get back on track for lunch and dinner and the rest of the day, right?
Amber B 27:42
Exactly. Yep. Exactly.
Yeah. So this is really good. And I think it's so applicable to so many people. So if someone is no, they're listening to this, and they're thinking, Yes, I'm definitely self-sabotaging, or, you know, we all do it, but they're doing it with their health and well being. What are some exercises that you would recommend someone can do at home? Before maybe they started working with a coach like yourself?
Amber B 28:08
Yeah, so I think I mean, I think the first thing is, is to find the symptom, right? So like, what is the symptom that you're seeing? And for most people, that's pretty easy to identify. Like, how, what self-sabotage looks like for them. And then from that vantage point, we can dive into what were when you made that decision. Right? You made that decision to eat the cookie, or not track something, or skip your workout or go to bed late, what were you thinking, what were like the thoughts preceding that decision? You know, what were you telling yourself, where you're telling yourself, Oh, well, I already ate something else. So it doesn't matter. Right? So getting curious and looking at what I was saying to myself preceding that decision, and that can leave evidence and clues for what beliefs are driving the actions that you're taking, right? So we're essentially working backwards, recognizing that those actions, those symptoms that you're seeing, there's something underlying it, and usually it's right, what comes before you make you take the action. And so getting just a little bit curious, and it requires a little bit of self-reflection, and saying, and maybe you don't know, maybe you're like, Yeah, I really struggle with weekends ever. But like, I don't really know what I say to myself, before that happens. Well, cool. Like, we have a weekend coming up. I'm sure. Every week, we have a weekend coming up. So at some point in the future, it's going to happen again. And then you just have to start to get curious, like, when I made that decision, what was I saying? What do I say to myself right before I made that decision, and when you can start to flash that out, you can start to work backwards and say, what could be the belief that that is underlying this, and that can help really start to help shift things for people.
Yeah, that's good. I love journaling. Do you use journaling at all with your clients?
Amber B 29:54
I use it a lot with my clients. Yeah, it's a way to, for a lot of people who have a hard time seeing their thoughts as like a second party, right, we talk a little bit about like observing your thoughts, especially for people who have a rough time or hard time doing that journaling is a way to, like, get the thoughts on paper so that you can be the observer of it.
Yeah. Are you or do you do anything like hypnosis meditation? Or have you tried that or recommended it at all?
Amber B 30:19
I haven't personally, like, I'm not trained in that modality, I'm totally open to it. And I've done some of it myself, but I'm not personally trained in that modality. But that can be a way. I mean, essentially, what we're doing is subconscious reprogramming, right? We didn't really get into like, you know, “where do thoughts and beliefs and stuff lie?” but it's in the subconscious. And so that's a little bit harder to shift than some of the conscious thoughts that we have. And so essentially, what you're doing is subconscious reprogramming. And there can be other modalities like, you know, hypnosis and stuff that can help us tap into that subconscious a little bit more. But yeah, it's not something I'm trained in.
Yeah, I do it from time to time. And one of them that I think is always really powerful is kind of like looking at your shadow right is like, Who is that not so great version of yourself. And you can do that in like many different situations, but with health, for example, is, you know, who are you at your best, I'm exercising, and I'm eating well, and then what is that shadow of yourself that that's being shown right, and kind of like, being able to identify what that shadow is, and really trying to like, bring them closer together so that you're not looking at it as the person I'm at my best is, is my best. And the person that is about my worst is my worst. It's really trying to bridge the gap between the two of them.
Amber B 31:35
So is there anything else that you feel like it's important for people to understand when it comes to, you know, why we self-sabotage and how they can maybe shift some of these thought patterns?
Amber B 31:50
Yeah, so two more things that are coming up for me right now, that I think would be helpful to share. And they come back to more of the root cause of like, why we self-sabotage. One is, is a specific belief, and it is a belief about what the change that we are trying to make is going to cost us. And so this can be a really tricky one. But it shows up a lot in my clients where they set a goal, I want to lose X amount of weight, or I want to, you know, change my body composition, or whatever. And they have subconscious beliefs that they haven't really identified of what it's going to cost them. You know, “In order to lose 20 pounds, I have to not enjoy food”, “In order to lose 20 pounds, I have to, you know, exercise five days a week”, “I have to XYZ” and it's like all of these things that they believe what it's gonna take, and then what it's going to cost them, Oh, when I when I lose the weight, then I'm gonna lose my relationship with my best friend, because she's overweight. And, you know, she doesn't want to be friends with someone who's skinny. Or when I lose weight, people are gonna ask me about that and that's gonna be really uncomfortable for me. Or, you know, when I lose weight, it's going to cost me you know, intimacy with my partner, whatever it is, there's this belief about what it's going to cost you or what it's going to take to be able to achieve the goal. So that's a good question to start to ask yourself, and, you know, like you're saying, do a little journaling on? What do I think it's going to take to get the goal that I want to get? And is that actually true? Can I find any examples of people who didn't have to have that? One that I use a lot is that I built a business. And I have four kids. Like I said, there's a belief that, in order to build a business, it will take me pushing away my family or like, disregarding my family, that we have this idea, we can't be a mom and an entrepreneur. And so we can start to question that is there anybody who's an example of someone who has been a present and, you know, present mom, and also has built a business and when you can start to find those examples, you can start to help yourself believe, Oh, maybe it's maybe it's not going to take exactly what I think it is. Or maybe it's not going to cost what I think it's going to cost to get there. So that's number one.
Amber B 34:03
And then the second one is called Upper Limiting Syndrome. A fantastic book by Gay Hendricks. It's called The Big Leap. And he talks about this, this idea of the Upper Limiting Syndrome. And it's this idea that we all have, essentially a comfort zone, it's like a thermometer that when you set a thermometer, you say, I want it to be as hot as 75 degrees and as low as 70 degrees, right. So I want you to stay between 70 and 75 degrees. And so if the temperature drops below 70, then you know, the thermometer kicks on and your heat turns on and it warms back up. And if it goes up above 75, then the air conditioning turns on and brings it back down. So you have this area of comfort that you sit in. And a lot of us have that that same thing, where we have this area of comfort that we like, you know if we drop down too low, our brain kicks in and makes it so that we can go back up to that area of comfort and if we achieve too much, then our brain kicks on and will self sabotage to bring us back down to that area of comfort. It's called Upper Limiting, right, you're upper limiting yourself, there's this upper limit that you feel very uncomfortable when you go past. And so when we're setting goals, and we're trying to reach and do more and do better, and, you know, do these new things that we've never done, oftentimes, our brain will see that as scary. And so what we'll do is we will upper limit ourselves, as we start to get past that area of comfort, past that area that we're just, you know, feeling good about, we will kick in and self sabotage to be able to bring us back down to like our area of comfort zone.
Amber B 35:37
So just understanding Upper Limiting Syndrome, and how we can start to recognize it and be like, oh, like, this is my brain, and it's trying to keep me safe. I don't really want to be safe right now, like my goal is to grow, and you cannot grow without stepping outside of your comfort zone. But understanding that Upper Limiting Syndrome is great. So if anybody wants to learn more about that I highly recommend Gay Hendricks, The Big Leap, because he goes, he goes deep into that topic.
Those are really, really great points. And is there anything that you recommend? Maybe this is just referring to the book, but how can someone get more comfortable being uncomfortable when they're focusing on these different goals, maybe pertaining to weight loss?
Amber B 36:20
Yeah. So one of the ways that I do this with clients is just reframing discomfort. Oftentimes, we think discomfort is uncomfortable, and it's bad. And even just the shift to recognizing No, no, no discomforts not bad, it's actually really good. Because in order to grow, you have to be uncomfortable, like, so. So do you want to grow or not? Because if you want to grow, then actually, you should get really excited when you're uncomfortable, because that's an indication you're growing. And so when we can just even reframe that, it helps to be like, Oh, I feel super uncomfortable right now. And that's a great thing. Because I want to grow and I want to hit this goal. So yeah, that means I'm on the right path. A lot of times, we're like, “Ooh, discomfort, I'm on the wrong path.” And I want you to reframe that to when you feel discomfort, and you're reaching for a goal, no, that means you're doing you're on the right path, you're on the way towards that growth, that is required to be able to hit the goal. So I think just that in and of itself, reframing it and seeing it as a really good thing and welcoming it can do so much to be able to help you to push past that discomfort and actually be that person who can reach those high and lofty goals.
Yeah, that's huge. And I think as humans, we naturally are wanting, we want safety. And we want comfort, right? And so we want to live there. And we don't want to get uncomfortable very often. Maybe it's you know, every month, we're comfortable with getting uncomfortable for a minute, right. But if you like what you said, if you have goals, if you're trying to accomplish things you've never accomplished before, you're going to have to do things you've never done before, right? You're probably going to feel differently than you've ever felt and experienced things you've never felt because you're going somewhere that you haven't been.
Amber B 38:02
Yeah, and you said something really smart earlier, where you talked about building confidence in yourself. And so I think that relates a lot to discomfort and growth is that, you know, the first time you do something uncomfortable, your brain is convinced you're gonna die. Like, your brain thinks you're gonna die. And when you don't, because you're not going to die when you do the Facebook Live, and you're not going to die when you like, you know, whatever you're afraid is going to happen, then you can start to be like, “Oh, I didn't die. Oh, okay.” So like I did this hard thing. And it was really hard. And it was really scary. But I did it and I didn't die. You could do that again. And then maybe I could do that again. And so I think we can start. I'm not saying you have to like to go and jump off a cliff. Right. But I think we can start with something that feels just a little scary. Like, it doesn't have to be way outside of your comfort zone, but was just like enough outside of your comfort zone that it starts to get your heart pounding a little faster. Like let's start there. Do that first convince yourself that you're not going to die when it happens. And then we can move a little further and then a little bit further. And I think it's like the thermometer. How do we turn the thermostat up? Yeah, we don't crank it up. We turn it like a degree at a time. Right? We like slowly, slowly, slowly, we're raising that ceiling of where our comfort zone is. And the cool thing starts to be that as you do this, what used to feel really uncomfortable starts to become your new comfort zone. And that gets really cool and really exciting because you can start to look back and say hey, was there ever anything in my life that was super uncomfortable? That now is super easy to me and it's super comfortable. For example, I guarantee every single person who's listening to this podcast learned to drive at some point and it was probably super uncomfortable. I remember being a 16-year-old being like “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Oh my God.” Like trying to merge onto the freeway was super uncomfortable. And now I do it without even thinking about it. Last night was like driving in the dark on the Southern California highway with kids in the car, everything's going crazy. And I'm like, merging like a boss. You know, it was like no big deal. And I think we can look back and see you've done hard things in the past. And those hard things probably don't feel very hard now. And you can continue doing that in the future. And that, yeah, will be scary for a while, and then it'll become your new comfort zone. And how cool is that to continue growing and elevating and reaching higher and higher
Yeah. And I think that it's so important that people have a coach when they're trying to accomplish goals, because just as you alluded to, at the very beginning, right of like, where macros goes wrong is that a lot of people know calories, you know how to count calories, and they know what's healthy, what's not healthy. And so it's like, why did these methods keep failing them? And it's because there's been no psychology done, no coaching done to really be able to, like you said, identify what are those limiting beliefs, and really coach them through that process. And so eventually, the macros fail them that they're trying to do on their own, or eventually that rigid diet that they're trying to commit to fails them. And so at some point, I think it's so important for each person that does have goals that want something new to work with a coach on those so that they can get to the root of those beliefs, and really change those because, like you said, it's bringing that thermostat up, right? Like it's completely changing your comfort zone by doing that, that you might not be able to do on your own.
Amber B 41:21
Yeah, for sure. And, you know, I think all the best coaches have coach. I have a coach. You know, I value coaching, because I know that I'm in my head, and I have spinach in my teeth. And I can't see it, and I need someone else to be like, hey, girlfriend, get that spinach out. And I mean, like, thank you so much. I didn't even see that. But thank you for that. And, you know, some of the best coaches have their own coaches, because we recognize how powerful it is.
Yeah, absolutely. Well, Amber, this is amazing. Thank you so much for all of the valuable information you've provided. You're awesome. And I just really love your approach and how you're helping women because it's so important that women have someone like you in their corner to be able to help them on this. So thank you for your time. If listeners want to learn more about working with you and your business, where can they do so?
Amber B 42:08
Yeah, the best place is to come connect with me on my podcast, Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm also on Instagram (@biceps.after.babies is my Instagram handle). So shoot me a DM if you listen to this episode, and you found a nugget in there, a takeaway I would love to hear from you. I'm just Biceps After Babies.
Perfect. Thank you. And I hope you have a great day.
Amber B 42:25
Thanks for listening to that episode. If you loved it, it would mean the world to me if you hit subscribe on whatever podcast platform you're listening on. And if you're listening on iTunes, specifically, go ahead and leave a rating and review. It takes like a couple of minutes. And it really does help the podcasts a lot. It's a way that you can say thank you for the free content that we put out week after week after week on the podcast. Thanks for being here. I'm Amber, go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.
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