
Show Notes
In this episode, I share a powerful coaching conversation from my latest round of MACROS 101. We explore why taking time for yourself and committing to your goals can feel so hard—and it’s not about willpower. I dive deep with Rachel to uncover the stories and subconscious beliefs that hold us back, reframe self-care as essential for both you and your family, and offer tools to break free from self-sabotage. If you’re ready to feel confident, empowered, and take action toward the life you want—guilt-free—this episode is for you. Tune in and let’s get started!
Find show notes at bicepsafterbabies.com/355
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Highlights
- Why taking time for yourself feels so hard 06:43
- Self-care is beneficial not only for you but also for your family 08:02
- Identify sneaky subconscious beliefs 10:14
- Rewire thinking 13:08
- Take action towards the life you want without guilt and fear 18:08
Links:
Introduction
You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 355
Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.
Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and I'm so glad you're here today. All right, let's set the scene. You've decided that this is your time. You're gonna finally commit to your health and your fitness goals, and you got your macros, your workouts, maybe even a shiny new workbook all ready to go to fill out, but then something happens and you find yourself feeling very stuck. You avoid the workouts, you avoid tracking your macros, you skip over taking time for yourself, and you have all of these doubts start to creep in. What if I fail? What if I mess up? What if I take my time for myself and then it doesn't even matter? Does this sound familiar? Because if so, you are not alone. And in today's episode, we're diving into a real coaching conversation that I know is going to resonate with so many of you. This is a conversation taken from this last round of MACROS 101 with my live coaching. And what I talk about with Rachel is what is really behind that hesitation to take that next step, to take time for yourself, to commit to whatever it is that you need to do for yourself, and this is not about willpower. It's about the stories we've been told. It's about the programming that we are continuing to run on and how a lot of those beliefs, and I think you'll relate to a lot of the things that Rachel says in this conversation, but how those beliefs can keep us from stepping into the person that we want to be. And as you listen, just know that this is the deep, transformational type of coaching that I do inside of MACROS 101 with my clients. It is not just about hitting your numbers. It is not just about checking a box. What I'm really good at and what I love to do with my clients is about uncovering the patterns that hold you back, about learning how to reframe those, and about stepping into this version of yourself that maybe you didn't even think was possible. And if that sounds like exactly what you need in this moment in your journey, make sure to get on the wait list for the next round of MACROS 101 by going to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist, and that way you'll be the first to know when we open doors to that transformational program.
Now during today's episode, I'm gonna unpack with Rachel why it feels so hard to take time for yourself. And we're going to actually reframe self-care as something that is not only beneficial for you, but beneficial for your family. And in this conversation, I explore this idea of self-sabotage not as a failure, not as something's wrong with you, but as a clue to what is really going on beneath the surface. And here's the kicker. This episode isn't just about figuring out what's wrong. It's about actually solving it. And you'll start to hear in this conversation that I have with Rachel, how you can start to identify those sneaky subconscious beliefs, how to start to rewire your thinking and how to finally start taking action towards the life that you say that you want without guilt and without fear holding you back from it. Because my friend, you deserve to feel empowered, you deserve to feel confident and you deserve to feel in control. So, let's dive into this coaching conversation from MACROS 101.
Rachel 04:24
So I guess my question is, I've been going really, really slow. And that's what you kind of talked about, going at your own pace. And so I haven't tried to really push really, really hard. Because when you had to set our, I'm in a class and set our macros and everything. And you're like, can you manage this? Can you do this? And my cut, like my low was like 1650 calories or something. And I was like, nope, there's no way I will fail. If I am doing 1650 calories, I will fail. And so I am at, I think like 1850 calories or 1800 calories, please don't touch that. Thank you. Can you go find your brothers? And so I've been trying to do this really slowly, but I am terrified to start the workbook. And I don't know why. And so it's like, I have a mental like block and I'm talking to my husband about it. And he's like, are you afraid to fail? And so you're failing before you get started because you're afraid you're gonna fail or it's not gonna turn out for all you want. I'm so sorry. And so I guess that's one, how do you get started with the workbook? Like I've gone through listening to like, I have lessons because it's listening to everything, but not doing the actual like works, worksheets and everything like that. I just listen to it. So like, I feel like I'm getting knowledge, but I also have a really hard time eating like all my protein. So I've liked how you said, hey, if you don't hear protein, hit your calories. You know, if you don't hit your calories, track your calories. And so I guess there's a few questions in there, but.
Amber B 06:29
Okay, so I wanna go to the, when I say go to the workbook and like write this thing down and you go, nope. How do you excuse it in your mind?
Rachel 06:43
Usually I'm driving when I'm listening. And so like, and you say you need to have like 20 minutes of active listening time. And for me, I'm using it as like, I'm driving to my kid's sports. I have five little kids. So I'm like always taking someone somewhere. And so I'm not taking time for myself.
Amber B 07:04
Okay. So if there's something here, so one thing that's really important, and I think we talk about this a little bit more as we start diving a little bit into self-sabotage is that there is always a benefit when we're self-sabotaging like there's a secondary benefit to us. It keeps us thinking somewhere or provide something for us. And if we think about you not doing the workbook, are you able to be aware of what is the benefit of you of not taking the time to sit down and like do the writing prompts?
Rachel 07:43
It's not, it's not benefiting me.
Amber B 07:45
It is not. But it is. But that's what my point is. It's like, it's very clear to me how it's not benefiting you.
Rachel 07:50
Yeah.
Amber B 07:51
But you wouldn't do it if on some level it didn't benefit you. There is a benefit.
Rachel 07:56
Yeah.
Amber B 07:57
Where we can get present with that, the more it's gonna open up what's going on here.
Rachel 08:02
Uh. I have a really hard time taking space for myself. And that's what it is. It's telling my kids and my family, no, that mommy needs a minute. Mommy needs time to herself. And I give all of myself to everybody else so that I don't. And so that's part of my fear of failing is if I do take that time away from my kids, from my husband, from my family and I fail. And I think you're right. I'm not failing. I'm learning a lesson. But I don't take space or time for myself.
Amber B 08:50
Well, it's interesting to me. And even the language that you used was take. I don't take time for myself. I don't take time away from my family. Even the way that you framed it is this idea that when you do something for yourself, that that's taking from other people.
Rachel 09:08
Yeah.
Amber B 09:09
Does that resonate with you?
Rachel 09:11
Yeah. How do you reframe that? How do you switch that so it's not?
Amber B 09:16
Well, that's why I'm here. That's what I'm really good at. So I want you to finish this sentence. If I take time for myself, that means what?
Rachel 09:27
Uhm. If I take time for myself.
Amber B 09:39
What comes into your mind? Don't filter it.
Rachel 09:42
Fear. If I take time for myself, I have fear.
Amber B 09:46
You feel afraid.
Rachel 09:47
I feel afraid. I feel afraid that I won't use my time wisely, that I won't take care of myself, that I won't do something productive. Like all of these. And it's sad because I feel like I don't self-shame. So all of this is very much listening to myself is self-shame. And I would never teach my kids this. Like I would never want my kids to say this. So why am I saying this to myself?
Amber B 10:14
Sure. Yeah. No. And when we start to say this stuff, the reason that coaching can be so valuable and starting to look at this can be so valuable is because when we start to say it out loud, it's like, that's crazy. It's crazy. I'm like talking to myself this way. But the fact is that you are. This is running on autopilot all day long. Even if you aren't consciously aware of it, right? This is when we can start to bring up some of that conscious programming that's running your life. And yeah, it feels weird when you say it out loud, but like it's there. I liken it to being in a dark room where there's like cockroaches scurrying around, but you can't see them. And then we start to turn on the lights and it's like, oh my gosh, there's cockroaches here. It's like, yeah, those cockroaches have been there literally the whole time. You just didn't see them because they were in the subconscious.
And so in order to do this work, we have to make the conscious or the subconscious conscious, which is what we're doing now, is starting to like realize some of the things that you've been telling yourself on the subconscious level that you're like, well, that's wackadoodle. I would never let my kids talk like that to themselves. I would never say that to my friend, but we can bring it to the conscious. We can start to play around with it. And that's what I can start to do with you. We can play around with it. And then we can build that back and put that back into the subconscious. So that starts running the show, right? So this is all the process of figuring out what's the programming you're currently running on. And it's kind of crappy programming. This idea that like, I won't spend my time wisely. I'm gonna mess up. Like it's, you know, I'm gonna take from other people and then not even like use it well. Right,
Rachel 11:49
Yeah.
Amber B 11:50
That's what programming is. And so it makes sense. It makes total sense, Rachel. Like if you're running on that programming, why you wouldn't do the stupid workbook? Like that makes sense. Because you're just gonna take away from other people. You're not gonna do a good job with it. You're not gonna spend your time very wisely. You're not gonna get a lot out of it. And now you've just like interrupted your family's life and it's not working out.
Rachel 12:09
Yeah.
Amber B 12:10
It makes perfect sense, right? So we can start to see how our brain has gotten around this idea. So now what do we do? Well, really good news. You already started to do it because you started to see all of the inaccuracy in what you're saying.
Rachel 12:26
Yeah.
Amber B 12:27
All the like silliness in what you're saying. So this idea that like, I'm afraid I won't use my time wisely. Is that actually true?
Rachel 12:36
No, it's my time. Like, I guess for me, it's my time to use it how I want. If I don't do anything, I don't do anything.
Amber B 12:44
Yeah, who determines what's wise or not, right? Like just literally you taking time for yourself is probably wise, regardless of what you do, right? Because you're probably not doing enough of that right now. And so any time would probably be wise. So we can start to break that down into this like silly idea that like, you're not gonna use it wisely because we've decided anything that you do at that time is probably wise.
Rachel 13:07
Yeah.
Amber B 13:08
I do wanna reframe this idea of take, because I think that this is really powerful. This idea that like, I'm taking from other people, taking time away from my family. How can we reframe that? Is that actually true? Does this actually take from your family?
Rachel 13:23
No, it actually adds to my family. It gives to my family. My husband tried to explain that to me, because you've said like, I can't think of it now. We were talking, we went to Las Vegas this weekend and we were talking all about it. And it's the whole cup. You have to have a full cup for yourself before you can serve other people. And he told me, he's like, I want our kids to see their mom taking up space for herself. Because what is that teaching our kids if mommy doesn't take time and space for herself? What does that teach our kids that mommy isn't loving herself as much as she loves everybody else? And I was like-
Amber B 14:06
Like everybody else is more important than I am.
Rachel 14:08
Yeah. Yeah. And it's kind of really hard to hear that. And he's like, I'm not meaning it because I don't love you. I'm saying it because I do love you and I want you to love yourself in the way that I see you and that you see everybody else. And I was like, okay, that is a really hard mental shift for me to just be like, okay, mommy has her time. Mommy has her space and it's gonna be a shift, but that's okay.
Amber B 14:44
So one shift that I would encourage you to make in your language and also in your thinking is not ever saying the phrase taking time away from.
Rachel 14:54
Okay. Okay.
Amber B 14:55
Or taking time for myself. Instead, I would encourage you to shift that to I am giving to my family.
Rachel 15:02
Okay.
Amber B 15:03
It's gonna take 15 minutes because I am giving to my family. And you're giving to your family by doing something to bolster yourself and to do something for you so that you can give, you can pour from a cup that is full.
Rachel 15:16
Yeah.
Amber B 15:17
What I mean with, there's this like stinking continuum that I like to talk about over and over. But I find that there are two extremes, especially when we're dealing with women, but with anybody. Our greatest human need is to be in connection with ourself and be in connection with other people. We are our happiest, most well-developed human selves when we are connected to me while in connection to me. That's the most beautiful space that we can hold. We take that and most of us lean too far one way or the other.
Rachel 15:58
Yeah.
Amber B 15:59
So if we are in connection with ourselves without being able to be in connection with others, that is selfish. Okay. So that's people who like, everything's about me. I'm the most important. You don't matter. Whatever I say goes. Me, me, me, me, me, me, right? They're very active with themselves. They're not in connection, right? So that's one end. We can see that as selfish. The other end is where I see a lot of women where they are in connection with everybody else and lack connection with themselves. And both of those are just as bad. I think sometimes we think that like the selfish person is the worst, but it's just as bad in the other direction. But we become martyrs and we become like, oh, that's selfless. And that's what motherhood is. And yada, yada, yada. That's bull crap. That is people pleasing to the extreme. You are your healthiest self in the middle.
Rachel 16:54
Yeah.
Amber B 16:54
When I can be in connection to myself while also being in connection to you. And it's that balance between the two that is your healthiest self is your healthiest version as a mom is your healthiest version as a wife and a partner and everything. And so recognizing those are the two extremes. A lot of you all over here where you're in connection with everybody else without connection to yourself. And that's what you have to develop. So your work is building a connection with yourself which is really easy to lose when you're deep in motherhood and you have little kids at home. And I mean, it's a hard time. It takes a lot of you. There's a lot of giving. And I wanna honor that. There's nothing, I mean, this is a season of time where there is a lot of connection with everybody else.
Rachel 17:39
Yeah.
Amber B 17:40
And the more that you can build in at least little bits of time where you can build that connection where you can maintain who is Rachel? Who is Rachel outside of motherhood? Who is Rachel outside of being a wife? Who is Rachel outside of folding the laundry? Who is Rachel outside of these things? Like building that connection with yourself. It's going to be the healthiest thing you ever do for you. It's gonna be the healthiest thing you ever do for your partnership. It's gonna be the healthiest thing you ever do as a mom.
Rachel 18:05
Sorry.
Amber B 18:06
What's the emotion coming up?
Rachel 18:08
This isn't the first time I've heard that. I go to a therapist and he has explained to me that I'm self-extreme, that I don't have a sense of self, a sense of self as everyone else.
Amber B 18:32
Yes.
Rachel 18:33
And so I self-sabotage myself because if I'm taking care of everybody else, I don't have time for me.
Amber B 18:42
That's right.
Rachel 18:43
And I grew up being told that I needed to take care of everybody else instead of myself. So that, yeah. It's just making my walls come up very strongly like that pushback of like, no, uh-uh. You're getting a hard truth and walking through that hard truth instead of like backing up in it where I feel like that's what I've done for so long is I have backed up when I hear that hard truth. And that's where you're like, is it a lesson or is it, what was the other thing you call it? Are you learning a lesson or are you learning something else? And so..
Amber B 19:30
What is on the, if you can really get this, Rachel, like what I'm hearing you say is it's really scary, right? It's very scary. It's very non-intuitive for you because you've grown up with examples, being told both overtly and covertly that this is the way that a woman is. This is a way that you need to be in the world, right? You've grown up with all of that programming. And so it makes a lot of sense that it would feel very confronting to be like, I don't know if I can do that or that's really hard or that's easier to just not even go there. If you're able to do this, or let's say when, when you're able to do this and you're able to build more of this sense of self and you're able to have that connection with your spouse, with your kids, and at the same time, maintaining this connection of who Rachel is as a unique individual, and you're able to do that, how will your life be different? What will be possible on the other side of that?
Rachel 20:30
Self acceptance and self happiness, I feel like. That if I actually am taking up that space, I am showing love to myself, that I-
Amber B 20:46
When you have that self love, what's different? What changes?
Rachel 20:56
I guess for- The only thing I can think of is freedom. Having that self love is freedom of all of these things that I've been taught for so long and thought for so long. And I saw comments coming through like people pleasing and stuff like that. Yes, so like, I'm afraid that if I stop, people won't like me, people won't love me, but I also need to love myself. And if they don't love that, then they're not the people for me.
Amber B 21:32
Yeah, that's right. Is that freedom that you talked about, that self acceptance, that happiness, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important is that to you?
Rachel 21:47
If I really think about it, it's really high. Like, right now, I don't- I would say if like I'm looking at it now, I have probably put it really low, but I would love that self love and that self acceptance. That is like really high, but I'm scared. I am scared.
Amber B 22:09
Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, it makes sense where the fear is coming from. What I'm trying to do is to figure out if it's worth it to you to go through the fire. Because it's gonna be work.
Rachel 22:22
Yeah.
Amber B 22:22
It's gonna be somewhat painful. Growth always is. It's gonna crack you open a little bit. Like this process is going to be work and it's gonna be going through somewhat of a fire. And if it's worth it to you, if the other side of that fire is worth it to you, if the freedom is worth it to you, if the self acceptance, if the happiness is worth it to you, then you're much more likely to take that first step towards it. But I think either to this point, the fire has seemed so scary, or you haven't even been able to conceptualize what's on the other side of it. And so your brain says, nope, nope, nope, nope. Not gonna go there. Not gonna do that. And so you have to figure out, is it worth it for me? It either has to get bad enough where you are that you're willing to go through the fire, or you have to have a vision of what is possible on the other side of the fire that carries you through.
Rachel 23:16
I think it has been worse before. It's gotten better. But I think it's the envisioning what's on the other side that I've never given a thought to, is what's on that other side? What can I achieve and attain on that other side that I haven't given to myself thus far?
Amber B 23:43
Okay, I have a homework assignment for you if you're up for it. You're up for some homework? Okay. Two assignments. Homework assignment number one is I want you to spend some time, and I'm gonna have you journal. So buckle up, we're gonna do some writing.
Rachel 23:59
Okay.
Amber B 24:00
But I want you to journal what is on the other side. So the prompt is when I have the self-acceptance, the happiness, the freedom that is on the other side of building a sense of self, what does my life look like? What is possible for me? What is possible for my relationship with my husband? What's possible for my family? What's possible, you know, just pretend like that's happened. You're there, you have that self-acceptance. What's different? What is different about your life? So that's number one. I want you to journal on that first.
And then homework assignment number two is I want you to go to your husband, and I want you to ask him the same question. I want you to ask him and say, what would be different? So this is what I learned. I learned that on the other side of building the sense of self is freedom and self-acceptance and happiness. What do you think would be different when I'm able to do this? And I want you to hear what he thinks and what he sees because so often our loved ones see so much more possibility in us than sometimes we're even able to see in ourselves. And my guess is that your husband will have some insights into your capabilities and what could be possible that maybe you don't even see. So I want you to write first, and then I want you to have the conversation with him.
Rachel 25:15
Okay.
Amber B 25:16
Okay? You're doing good work.
Rachel 25:19
Thanks.
Amber B 25:20
Good stuff. Good stuff that you brought up. Thanks for sharing.
Rachel 25:24
Thank you.
Amber B 25:27
Once I wrap up a conversation with my clients, I always like to prompt them to do a little bit of self-reflection because as you listen to somebody else get coached, as you listen to Rachel get coached in this episode, you likely had some aha moments. You likely had a realization that is really pertinent to you in your journey. Because the truth is we are all way similar than sometimes we think. I think sometimes we think we're special snowflakes and nobody has the experience that I have. Nobody has the struggles that I have. And in reality, a lot of us get stuck in the very same spots. And that's why learning from other people, listening to other people get coached can be so powerful because we are a lot more similar than we are different. And so I just prompt you, as you were listening to that conversation that I had with Rachel, what were the ahas that you had? What was the insight that you had? And how can you start to integrate that and apply that today so that you can start to change the results you're getting now in the future?
Again, if this episode resonated with you, if this style of coaching resonated with you, I invite you to come join us in our next round of MACROS 101, where we do a lot of sciencey macros work and teach you how to set your numbers and adjust your numbers and utilize macro counting as this magnificent tool to be able to lose weight and gain muscle and improve your relationship with food. Yes, and where we're able to do this deep inner work that makes all of that tool actually create change in your life. So I invite you into the next round of MACROS 101. You can get on the wait list by going to bicepsafterbabies.com/wait list. And hopefully I'll see you in the next round of MACROS 101. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber. Now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.
Outro
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