377: How Releasing Shame Helped Her Overcome 40 Years of Disordered Eating with Cindy Richardson

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 377.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and today's episode is a really special one for me because I got to sit down with someone that I not only love deeply, but who has an amazing story that I think every woman needs to hear. And this is my aunt Cindy. Cindy is opening up and sharing her 40 year, 40 year journey with bulimia. But even more than that, she's sharing how releasing the shame that she carried for decades really changed everything. And we talk about how shame keeps so many women stuck. Even if you don't relate to disorder eating, or even if you don't relate to bulimia, I think we can all relate to shame because it permeates a lot of aspects of our life. And again, it keeps us stuck. A lot of the coaching that I do is not just about the food. It is about real healing. And real healing happens when we bring the struggles that we're having into light, and we give them a voice, and we take back our power and refuse to sit in silence and refuse to sit in the shame any longer. And that was the moment that Cindy got to. You're going to hear her pivotal moment, the pivotal moment for her that changed everything. And it wasn't when she almost died because of her eating disorder. It was because somebody else shared their story. Somebody else relieved some of the shame, and that changed everything. So you're going to get to hear that whole story. And again, whether or not you struggle with binge eating, this episode is going to resonate because we all deal with it on some level, the shame. It keeps us stuck, and it keeps us hidden, and it keeps us thinking these stories that everybody's going to be judging us. And you'll hear the real life example of what Cindy thought the response would be when she shared her story and what the response actually was. And it was drastically different. So today, Cindy is showing us what it looks like to loosen shame's grip, and what it looks like to find freedom, whether you're in your 50s, your 60s, your 70s, or beyond. It is never too late to let go of shame. So let's dive into today's conversation. 

Amber B 03:18

I'm so excited for the conversation that we're about to have, and I would like to welcome to the podcast, Cindy Richardson. Hey, Cindy. 

Cindy Richardson 03:27

Hey there. Thank you so much for this opportunity.

Amber B 03:30

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited because you not only have an amazing story, but what you have done with your story and the conversation that we're going to have around your story and what you've learned from it, I think is something that all women need to hear. Whether or not you struggle with binging, this is a conversation that we're going to be having, not just around binging, but about the shame that keeps us stuck for way longer than we need to, and what it can look like to release that shame. So before we tease the end of the story, before I tell you the end of the story, let's start with the beginning of the story and do a little quick introduction of yourself and tell us a little bit about you.

Cindy Richardson 04:07

Yeah, so my name is Cindy Richardson. I am a mother to five beautiful daughters. We have 13 grandchildren. I've lived a very full life. I taught school for 22 years. I'm active in the community, active in my church. And as I said, I have lived a very full life. And during the majority of my life, lived a secret that no one knew about. And so that's why we're here now is to share that. Well, I've shared the secret, but to tell a little bit more about my journey. 

Amber B 04:49

Yeah. So let's take us back to maybe when that secret started and what that looked like in your childhood and what made you decide that it needed to be a secret and keep that secret hidden for so long.

Cindy Richardson 05:04

Okay. So as a child, I was very heavy. I don't like the word fat, but if you were to look at pictures of me, you would say, wow, she was a really heavy child. I had wonderful parents. They never commented on my weight, but I heard comments all the time on the bus and on the playground and kids just making comments about my weight. And so I was aware of the fact that I was heavy and it weighed on me, honestly, even as a child, when I should have been out riding bikes, I was worried about how I looked. And I had a couple really experiences that I can think back of where specifically, I thought I looked great in an outfit and a boy, my friend's brother, looked at me and said, wow, you have really fat legs. And this was in an outfit that I had just bought. I was excited to wear it. It had boots and hot pants. Back then, hot pants were a big thing. And I was so proud of how I looked. And then, like I said, he came around the corner and the first thing he said was he looked me up and down. I thought, oh, he's looking at me up and down thinking this outfit is so great. And his comment was, boy, you have really fat legs. So, you know, comments like that, especially as a child, stay with you. So I spent the majority of my childhood heavy, even until middle school, I was heavy. And then my freshman year, before entering high school, I went to work up on my grandparents' resort in Northern Minnesota. It was a family resort. I was gonna be away from the summer. And during the time I was there, I was interested in one of the other crew members. But I told myself, he's not gonna look at me unless I lose weight. So my struggle started with the beliefs I had about myself. And what I did then was I basically stopped eating. I think I took myself down to 200 calories. And I lost 30 pounds that summer. And he, of course, when I lost the weight, then we had a little, you know, about a month of, I don't wanna say it's fling because that has a bad connotation, but, you know, we had a thing going that summer. And when I went back to high school, I will never forget, I got out of the car and started entering high school and everybody came running up to me and was like, oh my gosh, look at you, you look amazing. And so I think it fed into that in order to be accepted, and I was always well light, but to really feel that acceptance and that attention from people, I had in my mind, I have to be thin. 

So a couple months later, I worked at another camp. It was within a school. We went away for a week and we were asked by high school teachers to go work at this camp for middle schoolers to learn how to friendships and different things. And the last day of that camp, they had a dance party and there were chocolate chip cookies on the table, you know, snacks and different things. Well, I just ate so many chocolate chip cookies. I remember feeling sick. And then we went to bed that night in our cabins and I woke up in the middle of the night and got sick to my stomach. I remember running out of the cabin and getting sick, like outside the cabin. That moment, something snapped. I realized I could eat food and get sick and still stay thin. And that moment is when my struggle with bulimia started. It was that moment. I was 16 years old. So it started then and it went and carried through for 40 years. 40 years, I was caught up in that struggle. 

Amber B 08:48

It's almost like you figured out a hack, right? It's like you hacked the system. I figured out how to have both the things that I want. I want to be able to eat and I want to be able to lose weight. And this is like, it was like your brain found a hack and then latched onto it. And 40 years, it was a secret? 

Cindy Richardson 09:03

Yes. 

Amber B 09:05

What caused you to keep the secret? Like what part of you was telling yourself that it wasn't okay enough that you didn't tell anyone, right? Am I right? Like literally no one knew. 

Cindy Richardson 09:20

No one.

Amber B 09:21

No one. 

Cindy Richardson 09:21

I would have been keeping my husband 30 years and he had no idea. I had five children. They had no idea. No one had any idea. 

Amber B 09:28

And so what made you, how did you decide or what made you know that this was not an okay thing to share with people? 

Cindy Richardson 09:36

I just felt, you know, I didn't ever want to be fake in front of people but I was a very successful teacher. I was the mom everybody wanted to have. I was the fun party mom. We'd have pizza parties and slumber parties and I just felt like people would be so disappointed in me. Like what would they think if they knew that I struggled with this? I was this happy, so lucky, fun lady that had this hidden secret that I was so ashamed of. I was so ashamed and I just, there were a couple times I wanted to tell somebody but I just couldn't do it. In fact, you know, later I'll share that I actually, you know, almost died from it. I had a heart attack and even in the hospital, even when the doctors were scrambling and saying, why would a woman have a massive heart attack who had no history of a heart condition? No, I mean, and so they were baffled. And even then I could not tell them that I knew deep down what I thought was the reason as to why I suffered that heart attack. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't. And kept the secret for another 10 years. 

Amber B 10:50

Wow, when you were going through this alone, were you at the point where it was something you wanted to solve and like felt like you, like I got this, I can figure this out, I can solve it on my own and try to stop it on your own? Or was it just something you were so deep into that even like there wasn't a way out, it was just something that you had to hide and just keep going with?

Cindy Richardson 11:15

Yeah, I don't, I mean, it sounds as I tell the story, it just sounds, of course you're destroying your body, but it just seemed like it was okay. Like, it wasn't like I was in this deep depression, like how am I gonna get over this? Every morning I would tell myself not today, I'm not gonna do it today. And you know, when I was pregnant, I didn't do it because I didn't want to hurt babies. But I just, I guess I just didn't say it. I didn't see an out, I didn't see a way. In fact, I didn't know it had a name, to be honest with you. I thought I was the only one that struggled with it. I thought the title or had a name, then it was like, oh, yeah, I guess that's what I have. So yeah, I knew it was something that I needed to end, I would promise myself every day I would stop. And then I think I was so threatened by food and the fear of gaining weight that the minute I would eat something, I would try and tell myself that I'm not gonna gain weight, but then that fear would overcome me. And I would find myself again, hurting.

Amber B 12:22

Right, yeah, and I think the point that I wanna really highlight on this and that I think we're gonna get more into is the pattern that you found yourself into while it ended in, you know, throwing up for you, so many women struggle in the same pattern of like starting the day, telling themselves they're going to be good, telling themselves it's gonna be a different day, and then they end up falling flat on their face and feeling out of control by the evening. And they're stuck in that same shame spiral of like, well, if I was just stronger, I could figure this out. Nobody else struggles with this like I do. And it's just so interesting how shame just really thrives and breeds in this secrecy, where you, to the fact that you didn't even know that other people experienced this because there's so much shame around it that we don't talk about it, which only builds more shame for the people who are in it. And one of the things that I've been most proud to watch is the only thing that will dispel shame is sunlight, is openness, is bringing it out and battling the shame and saying, I'm not gonna fall to you. I'm not gonna feel ashamed about this. I'm gonna talk about it because that's the only thing that's gonna fight the shame. But there's so much shame for women around food. There's so much shame for women around their bodies. There's so much shame for women around their weight and the choices that they make. And I think you and I would both agree that like the shame is, that is the most destructive part of this whole experience. It's like, yes, physically it was destructive, but the shame is what is incredibly destructive.

Cindy Richardson 13:55

100%, yes. In fact, when I finally told my family, and you know what caused me to break my silence was I was getting certified to become a weight loss coach of all things. I wanted to be a health coach and was still somewhat caught up in it. And in being coached by, we had to go through different coaching sessions to get our certification. And as I was being coached to get my certification, the coach on the other end said, you're gonna change so many. And she didn't even know I was caught up in it. She just knew I wanted to help women with their eating habits. And she said, you're gonna change so many lives because she said, for example, I suffered for a long time with an eating disorder. And hearing those words, that's all it took, Amber.

Amber B 14:40

Yeah. 

Cindy Richardson 14:40

It was almost like the me too. When I heard her say, I suffered from it. That was when I broke my silence. And I just remember tears streaming down my face. And I said, me too. And it was in that moment that cloak of shame, it was almost like a weight that just lifted from me. And so she was the first person I told. And then the next morning, I was laying in bed in the morning. My husband, we were laying in bed. And I said, I have something I need to tell you. And I told him. And his first comment was, I can't believe you told someone else before me. Actually. But he only asked me two questions. And his two questions were, are you okay? And I said, yes. And he said, do you need help? And I said, no. And his compassion towards me and just that love, you know, here I was all that judgment that I thought I would get from everyone around me. It wasn't the judgment from everyone else. It was the judgment I had to make. I had it myself. That afternoon, I called our daughters, each one of them. And I told them. And I found the same thing. In fact, our oldest daughter said, mom, I'm just so sorry. You've been dealing with this for so many years by yourself. You know, never like, and you know what, to this day, little things have come out, but they have never asked me really any in-depth questions or when did it start? Or how often? You know, how did you, they did ask like, how did we not know? And the truth of it is, I was able to purge as easily as I could swallow. I never once, I mean, you didn't ask me this, but I never once had, it was, I could do it quietly. It wasn't like this. My body was so used to it that it literally was as easy as swallowing. It's incredible. 

Amber B 16:48

Yeah, I mean, it's so interesting to me. I mean, it doesn't surprise me at all that what we've built up in our head about the judgment that people are going to have of us is really more reflective of the judgment we have of ourselves. And that when you actually told people there was no judgment there. You know, there's just like openness and love and acceptance. But I can imagine myself being in that situation of somebody that you love sharing that. It's interesting that their biggest concern is about themselves of how did I miss it, right? Because I didn't support this person well enough. Like, how did I miss it? And I think I would be the same thing. It's like, I'm more judgmental about myself in relationship to you than I would ever be about how you handled things. And I just think it's such a great example of the, like judgment is just so toxic in so many ways. The judgment we place on ourselves, the judgment we place on other people, the judgment we feel other people are gonna place on us. And being able to release that judgment allows us to step out into sharing and openness and dispelling shame and realizing that we have more in common with each other than oftentimes we even think.

Cindy Richardson 17:52

100%. And I think even women, you know, you don't have to be bulimic to have disordered eating, clearly. 

Amber B 17:58

Sure, yeah.

Cindy Richardson 17:58

But I think it's that when you promise yourself in the morning that you're gonna be good, and then you eat a cookie or you eat something that you call bad, it's that self-judgment of perfectionism and beating yourself up. And we think that that is gonna cause us to stop when really what it does is it makes us binge even more because it's what we need is that curiosity and compassion with ourselves instead of that self-judgment. 

Amber B 18:25

Yeah, so good. So I want you to go back to your heart attack because this was a big defining moment. And even in that life or death, I mean, will you tell the story? Tell the story a little bit of that experience from your perspective. 

Cindy Richardson 18:41

Sure. So we lived in Iowa at the time. My husband had gotten a job in Texas. And so I stayed back because I was teaching school. So I stayed back to finish my contract. I went, and with our youngest daughter, we were just the two of us. I went one Saturday morning, I ran to, okay, it was really Walmart. People say, say shopping mall, but I went to go get a gift bag. I'll say shopping mall, yes. So I went to a shopping mall to pick up a gift bag for a wedding gift. I was going to a friend's, her daughter was getting married. I was on the phone with the daughter. We were laughing about something in the parking lot. That's all I remember. 

Amber B 19:21

Oh, wow. 

Cindy Richardson 19:21

The next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital because what had happened is outside of the mall, I collapsed and had a heart attack. There were two, you know, people would yell out, someone call 911, the woman has collapsed. There were two men. Ironically, who were there. One of them was an off-duty police officer who knew CPR and came to my rescue. The other one was a band director who had just taken CPR and who happened to be there because he wanted to get his glasses adjusted during the break of their band competition. He wasn't even from the city that we were in. And he had just taken a CPR course. And those two men performed CPR and saved my life. So when they took me then, you know, when the paramedics came, those two men, no one thought I would survive. It took four, and this is the story I'm getting later from the paramedics, but it took four more defibrillator jumps in the ambulance to start my heart again. I was in, when I went to the hospital, I was placed in a medically induced coma for four days to give my brain a rest from the trauma that it had been through. And I woke up four days later, Todd had flown all our daughters in because when the hospital called them, they said, we'll sustain her life until you get here. But even the doctors didn't think I would survive. And I not only survived, I mean, it's amazing. I woke up and I just remember, they wouldn't let me drink anything. They wanted me to just chew on ice. And my daughter was drinking the Dr. Pepper and I whispered to her, I want a drink of your Dr. Pepper. And she said, that moment they knew mom's gonna be okay. She's gonna be worried, but the- Yeah. Worried that, yeah, and I had a neurologist tell me later, he said, you know, the miracle of you even being alive is a miracle. 

Amber B 21:21

Sure.

Cindy Richardson 21:21

The real miracle is that those men performed CPR to the point that you didn't lose oxygen to your brain. 

Amber B 21:26

Yeah. 

Cindy Richardson 21:27

Because it would take me out of that coma that I would maybe not have the faculty to live a normal life. But as soon as I said, give me a drink of that Dr. Pepper, they're like, mom's gonna be just- 

Amber B 21:39

She's back. She's back. 

Cindy Richardson 21:41

Yeah.

Amber B 21:42

Yeah. And so in the back of your mind, you kind of knew what the cause was for the heart attack. But even at that point, it was still too scary to share. 

Cindy Richardson 21:55

Yeah. I just couldn't, I just wanted the, it's not even like I wanted to put a facade of being perfect. I just didn't want to disappoint anybody, isn't that? I just didn't want anyone to feel like my five daughters. I mean, here I was this mom that they loved and adored. And I thought, what are they gonna think of me? 

Amber B 22:15

Yeah. 

Cindy Richardson 22:15

If they do, you know? It's that shame again. It was just, it just had such a hold on me. 

Amber B 22:22

Yeah. If you, so that question of like, what are my five daughters? What are they gonna think about me? Now they know, what do you think they would say that they think about you now on the other side of that? 

Cindy Richardson 22:41

I think that they would just ask, how can we help? 

Amber B 22:44

Yeah. 

Cindy Richardson 22:45

How can we help mom? Or what can we do to help you? Or to look into a program to help me, you know? I don't think it would have been, and even my husband who, the same thing. I mean, I just, he was, I just had such respect and I still do, of course, but he just, I just thought, it was just that, what are they gonna think? Yeah. What are they gonna think of me? 

Amber B 23:12

Yeah, and I will tell you now that I've heard your daughters speak about you now that they know. And what I usually hear the word that they use is proud, is that they're proud of you. And so what I think is so interesting is we make up these stories in our head about, well, what are they gonna think? What are they gonna say? What are they gonna feel about me? And then when we confront it and you actually do the hard thing and you do the dang thing and you tell them on the other side of that, like none of the stories that you told yourself were true. Because in reality, what your daughters think about you is they care about you and they want to support you and they're really proud of you for going through something really hard and releasing the shame and being open and sharing it with them. And I doubt that nowhere in that calculus was like, you know what I think my daughters are gonna think of me? I think they're gonna be really proud. Right, that's not the story you're in in the moment. And yet that's the reality because I've heard all of your daughters say, I'm so proud of my mom for what she's doing, what she's gone through and what she's learned and what she's sharing now with the world. And I think it's such a great experience to confront what I thought the story would be is very different from what actually happened.

Cindy Richardson 24:26

Absolutely. Yes. I’m very happy.

Amber B 24:27

Yeah. So then let's transition into having this experience. You had that coaching conversation with the coach. You shared with your husband, you shared with your daughters. What did recovery look like after that? 

Cindy Richardson 24:46

I would love to say that it stopped at that moment. 

Amber B 24:51

I didn't even guess that it stopped at that moment. Like, I think that's not the story. 

Cindy Richardson 24:57

I think it's like anything, we think it's linear or it's 100% or I'm never gonna relapse. It just lessened. And I was more mindful and I would wake up in the morning and I would just have more compassion. So what did the recovery look like? I would say it just, it did take some more time. It did take some coaching. I never did go to therapy, but I had a coach who helped me realize again, kind of actually what you're doing so beautifully now is having me realize even just talking about it, realizing the stories I was telling myself wasn't true. And yeah, so it wasn't linear. It was just little by little small wins, small celebrations to the point where I was, the real change was when I changed my identity of who I was. I no longer defined myself as someone who is bulimic. I defined myself as someone who once struggled with bulimia and now I don't. 

Amber B 26:08

Yeah. I mean, that identity plays so much into how we show up and even just shifting from, I am currently this person to I used to be this person is such a powerful shift. I wonder if the danger in that, in my mind, tell me if this has even been an issue for me. The danger in my mind is that if and when relapses happen, it almost creates a potential for even more shame of like, this is something I overcame. And then I wonder if there's any struggle, if it did reappear or did reemerge, or you had a relapse, if that makes it harder because it's like, oh, I thought I had gotten past that. I thought that was who I was. And then the behaviors crop back up or maybe that's never been a problem for you. But that would be my like, it's almost, it's like I shared it once that it was a struggle and everybody accepted me. But if I have any more relapses in the future, is it gonna be the same? Or now people just expect me to move on and be past it. Does that make sense? Like my question.

Cindy Richardson 27:11

Yeah, that makes total sense. Yeah, I think it was just a lot of honestly spending time with myself and deciding that just that compassion of course, you're not gonna complete, you're not gonna be able to go for 40 years and just end it. And once, and I'm a coach myself. And so I really just took the things that I, it's so interesting that we can help others. 

Amber B 27:42

It's really easy. Yeah, more easily than helping ourselves, yeah.

Cindy Richardson 27:45

Yeah, than helping ourselves. And so I had to show myself the same compassion, do the same thought work, do the same belief work that I asked my clients to do. And realize that it may be something that's always, you know what, I think I'm just more mindful of it. Like I'm very, I'm just mindful of it. Like, for example, like when we go to a buffet that used to be like a Mecca for me, you know? 

Amber B 28:14

Sure. Yeah.

Cindy Richardson 28:14

But now I'm mindful of ahead of time planning, you know, I'm gonna stop when I'm full. So I don't know if, yeah. So I guess to say that the relapse or that the journey when we're overcoming a struggle is never linear. It's up and down, it's, I try not to look at things as failures. I try to look at it as lessons learned. I've learned not to do that again, or I've learned not to, you know, I'm just, I'm more mindful of things. And because of the lessons I've learned, I don't look at it as a failure. Honestly, I look at it as, what did I learn from that? 

Amber B 28:53

Yeah, so good. 

Cindy Richardson

We're curious or beating myself up.

Amber B 28:57

Yeah, curiosity over judgment. Like you did judgment for a really long time. Let's maybe try curiosity. See if that works a little better. 

Cindy Richardson 29:04

Yeah, judgment didn't work. 

Amber B 29:06

Judgment didn't work, dang it for a really long time. I tried it, didn't work. Yeah. You know, what's really cool about your story is how you've taken something that you've struggled with and turned it into something that now you can support and help other women through. And from a vantage point of like, no, no, no, I really know. I don't just like theoretically know what you're going through. Like, I really know, like I've walked the path that you're going down and how amazing it is to be able to coach from that place of being like, I've been in the trenches. I know what that's like. How did you, or what was that process like for you of processing your own experience, learning the lessons from your own experience and then going to that place of extrapolating to wanting to help and serve other women who are currently struggling with it? 

Cindy Richardson 29:55

Yeah, so I have women that I work with that are just binge eaters. I also have some women I work with who also are struggling with bulimia. In fact, one, yeah, who also struggle with bulimia. And I think just such empathy for them, because as you said, it just isn't something I've just studied and understood. It's something I've lived. So I just think when they come with something that they're struggling with, I have been there, I've been in their shoes. And so I help them from that vantage point of overcoming it, not because it's something, as you said, theoretically, I know what they need to do, but things that I did that helped me get through the struggle as well. 

Amber B 30:44

Yeah, one of the things that I know that you talk a lot about and that you have learned is that bulimia, binge eating, emotional eating, a lot of these things that we do with eating aren't really about the food. And it's about something deeper than that. So can you explain a little bit about what you've learned and what those deeper issues typically are that cause us to show up in these ways? 

Cindy Richardson 31:12

Yeah, I think there's several things. The women that I worked with, every one of them that I've worked with have had childhood trauma, to be honest. I remember listening to a podcast or something and Gabor Maté, I don't know if you know who he is, but he had made the comment that every, I remember exactly where I was standing. I was at a park watching my grandchildren play and he said, everybody who has an eating disorder has had childhood trauma. And I thought about that and I thought, well, I didn't have childhood trauma. Like my parents loved me. I was in a pretty solid home. I mean, all families have their things, but I think the trauma for me was as a child hearing those comments about me. So when you say it's not about the, when we say it's not about the food, I think it is about what we believe about ourselves and how we see ourselves for sure. I don't think we're ever taught how to process our emotions and a lot of women turn to food because it's an easy fix or they feel overwhelmed or stressed out or anxious and food's an easy way to overcome it. So that I think plays into it.

Like I said, a lot of the women I work with have had parents who have commented about their weight and commented about their, have had some pretty traumatic things growing up and food is just a way to feel better. And was that dopamine hit or that, it's just so much deeper than the food. It's not the food. It can, like I said, to numb the pain. Some women, it's the only thing that they can control in their lives. They can control how much they're eating when they feel out of control in other aspects of their lives. It's really deep seated and part of the process is, I don't think necessarily going back and trying to relive everything, but finding out where those beliefs started and realizing that, you know, it was the beliefs I had about myself that no one would believe still loved me or that I would be disappointed. That was a story I told myself that absolutely was not true. And so by going back and reframing things that I'd been through or comments that were made or just because someone said that doesn't mean it was true. I needed to stop telling myself those things. And so food is an easy answer to deeper seated problems. 

Amber B 33:46

Yeah.

Cindy Richardson 33:47

Or I don't wanna say issues because I don't really, I don't like the word problem or issues, deeper seated struggles that we may have. And it's really taking time to be with ourselves and realizing that food is not the answer. 

Amber B 34:03

Yeah. Building trust around food. I mean, I heard you talk about going to the buffet and now being able to do that from like a mindful place, but I have to imagine that like being able to learn to trust yourself after coming out, after sharing about your bulimia with other people, learning to trust yourself around food had to have taken some time and some repair. What did that look like? And if somebody who is in that space now of they don't trust themselves around food, what are some things that they can do to start to build that trust? How did you build that trust?

Cindy Richardson 34:42

Yeah. So I think some women think, you know, that they can just go from zero to 60 and say, well, I, you know, it's African. I trust myself. I can do this. But they don't really believe it. 

Amber B 34:52

Sure, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Cindy Richardson 34:56

So that's the problem with some affirmations. You know, if you don't really believe it, then you're just, you're subconscious. And you know, 95% of what we do is our subconscious thoughts, habits. We don't even realize we have those thoughts and things there. So what I have done is say, I have the women that I work with, and even for myself, I put a little qualifier in there and I say, I'm learning to trust myself. I'm learning to trust myself mindfully. I'm learning to love myself through this process. And because that's believable. 

Amber B 35:31

Yeah.

Cindy Richardson 35:31

Right? So, yeah, that's what I, and just taking the time to be with yourself. I think we live in such a busy world that we don't really sit down with ourselves and just ask ourselves, who are we? And what do we want in this life? And who do we want to become? And not looking at our past for failures. I have a client right now I'm working with, and she just, you know, I've never, and that's something a lot of women say, I've never been able to do it. What makes me think I'm going to be able to do it now? And I say, what if we could just erase all the past things? Just erase it and start right now. Yeah. And create the future, create who you want to become.

Because if we just hold on to that weight of the past, it holds us down. When we have to create whatever future we want. 

Amber B 36:21

Yeah. Yeah, I always say it's like trying to drive a car, staring in the rear view mirror. We all know that you're going to crash. And that so many women are doing that, is like predicting the future based off of the past. And when you do that, you only recreate the past. And so I love that idea of just like, what if you put a blinder? What if it's like, you can't look out the rear view mirror anymore. Like your eyes now have to just look forward. Forget about what happened back there. Look forward and let's operate from a where do I want to go mentality versus what I've done in the past mentality. And it's hard, but it changes everything when you can do that.

Cindy Richardson 36:57

And I think believing that it's possible. That's the hardest thing to overcome, really believing. And that's what I want to offer women is that there's hope. I mean, I don't think anybody's ever had it deeper than I had it. And I lived a normal life. That's what so, I mean, yeah. 

Amber B 37:17

Yeah. I think you're spot on of like believing that it's possible is one of the tipping points of being able to change. And I think before sometimes believing it's possible for me can feel like such a bigger domino to fall. But if I can believe it's possible for somebody else, that's like a little bit of a smaller domino. And so what I love about you sharing your story is it allows women to see somebody else and say, oh, it was possible for her. And it allows that little domino to fall of like, okay, I'm still questioning if it's possible for me. And that's a harder sell. But if I can even just start to believe it's possible for you, then it just might be possible for me. And I think this is the value of sharing our stories. I think it's the value of being open with the things that we struggle with. I think it's the value of shirking shame and putting things out into the light because it allows other women to, maybe they can't believe in themselves yet, but they can see that it's possible for you. And just maybe now I can start to, it can be possible for me. If she could do it, maybe I can do it. And it can start to tumble that domino for that woman to believe in herself. 

Cindy Richardson 38:32

Absolutely. Yeah. 

Amber B 38:33

And that's what that woman did for you in that coaching session. With just a simple of like, and I used to struggle with an eating disorder and she toppled that of like, oh, you said used to, it was possible for you to get over it. It's possible for you to be a coach. It's possible for you to have a normally healthy life on the other side of that. It was possible for her. And in that moment, it was like a light bulb of just maybe it's possible for me as well. And then guess what? It was, and you did it. 

Cindy Richardson 39:05

Yeah. And to realize that you're not alone. I'm not alone. 

Amber B 39:10

So good. 

Cindy Richardson 39:10

Yeah. 

Amber B 39:12

If there is somebody who is listening to this, Cindy, who is in the throes of an eating disorder or in the throes of feeling out of control with food or in the throes of not trusting themselves and feeling a lot of shame and feeling guilt and waking up each morning and telling themselves it's going to be different and then going bed at night feeling so discouraged that it's not, what would you say to her? Like if you could just hold her hand and sit down with her and have lunch together, what would you say to her? 

Cindy Richardson 39:47

Honestly, I would say three words. Don't lose hope. It's that it's possible. You know, we defeat ourselves. It's almost like failing ahead of time when we tell ourselves, well, I can't. And sometimes when I'm working with clients and they say, well, I can't. And I say, okay, but do you believe it's possible? Is it possible? And just in that spark of possibility is sometimes the only thing that they can hold on to. Yeah, it's possible. Of course it's possible. We have the power at any point in our lives to change our lives. I'm 60 years old.

Amber B 40:24

Yeah. 

Cindy Richardson 40:25

And you know, I was in my 50s when I was able to overcome it. And 40 years, I mean, I think of the 40 years, I don't want to say I lost because I lived a very fulfilling life. But gosh, the time I spent beating myself up, the time I spent worried about if I was gonna wait. I mean, all that energy and time that I spent on things that I could have spent my energy on so many other things and worried about how I looked and if I was gonna gain weight. And it just, it has, and the beauty of freedom on the other side.

Amber B 41:05

Yeah, it's so beautiful. If people are wanting to work with you, they're wanting to connect with you, how should they do that? 

Cindy Richardson 41:14

Yeah, so I have a TikTok and Instagram. It's called The Real Cindy Richardson. I'm also pretty open about it on my Facebook page. If you just look up Cindy Richardson, I'm there. At this point, that's what I have in place.

Amber B 41:30

And you do one-to-one coaching with clients, right? 

Cindy Richardson 41:34

I do, and I have a group coaching program as well. 

Amber B 41:37

Okay, awesome. So if you're wanting to get any support, reach out to Cindy and find out what she has available. But if you're wanting someone who's been there and has done the work and gets it, there's no one better than Cindy. Awesome, well, thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for being so open, for sharing your story, for releasing the shame and for helping women to be able to do it as well in their own lives and overcome what it is that they're holding shame about. Again, I think that the key to releasing shame is sunlight. And that's what I am so, it's so awesome to watch you do that. We need more people who are willing to speak up and say, hey, I'm not perfect. And then everybody else can say, me too. And we can all be just regular human individuals doing our best all together in this journey of life. So thank you so much.

Cindy Richardson 42:30

Thank you so much, Amber, it's been such a privilege. Appreciate it. 

Amber B 42:35

Wasn't that just incredible? Cindy's courage, her honesty, her openness, they're such a gift. And the thing that I hope that you took away from this conversation is this, shame grows in the dark, but it cannot survive in the light. I am so dang proud of Cindy, not only for breaking free herself, but now she's turned around and she's helping other women do the same through her coaching. So if you're someone who struggles with binging and you would love support, reach out to Cindy because she has been there. She's walked the walk, she talked the talk, and there's nothing like having somebody guide you who has gone through the path themselves. And friend, if you are in a place where you're feeling stuck or you're feeling ashamed or you're feeling guilty about food, your body or anything else, please remember you are not alone and it is possible to move forward, freedom is available to you. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for being a part of this community. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.

Outro

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