365: What Self-Care Actually Looks Like with Sarah Allred

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 365.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and today we have, it's almost like a where are they now episode a little bit. So let me give you the background to this episode. I first interviewed Sarah, who is our guest today, back on episode 336. She was in our Spring round of MACROS 101, and during one of the coaching calls, she had a huge breakthrough, a huge aha moment, as her and I were having a conversation. And she realized how much of her life she was living, pouring into other people while completely running on empty herself. And I think maybe you can relate to that. So if you missed that episode, go back and listen to 336, and she talks about that breakthrough moment, and she talks about what she did from there on, right? How she started to fix this, and what she started to address in her own life. And it's a great conversation, great foundation. So then fast forward about six months later, and after MACROS 101, you're able to come in and join our alumni program, which is Beyond MACROS 101. And so we were in a call in Beyond, and Sarah made a comment about self-care. And I could tell that she had really been thinking about it. There had been some developments in her life around this idea of self-care. And so I reached out to her and I said, Sarah, I would love to have you back on the podcast to share a little bit about what you've learned over the last six months, right? A little bit of like, where are you now? And I'm so glad that I did because what came of this episode was exactly some of the topics that I want to discuss. Because let's be honest, having an aha moment that you need self-care is one thing. And that's, you know, kind of where Sarah was six months ago. But actually figuring out how to bridge from that aha moment to actually living it, that is a whole different challenge.  

And so Sarah has been on this beautiful, messy, transformative journey since we last talked. And she has learned so much wisdom about how to change from like that escape mode. Like self-care is not like an escape mode that I think is what a lot of us think of it as. And she's really reframed it as really refilling her cup. And we talk about some of the, in this episode, we talk about some of the practical shifts she's made, like this really beautiful question that she asks herself very frequently now, what do I need in this moment? And how that shifted from a practice or a doing to more of a way of being. And she has felt the shift in her life. And I think one of the things I love most about this episode is that it can sometimes be hard to verbalize the difference between doing and being. So doing is kind of easy to explain because it's embodied. It's physical. It's, we can see it. I can see when you take out the trash. Being is not physical. It's not something we can see. And who you're being at any one moment, it's intangible. It's ethereal. It's hard to describe. It's hard to explain. And so making that leap from doing to being can feel confusing. Like how do you do that? How does one go from doing to being? But I think the thing I loved most about this conversation is that Sarah does a really beautiful job of showing how she bridged that gap. And so if you feel like you're stuck in trying to do something and doing it poorly or not doing it very well, or, or having it still feel very rote or checklist-y, I think this conversation is going to help you to start to see what it looks like to have that health, have self-care move from a checklist mentality to more of just a way of being. So without further ado, let's dive into this amazing conversation with Sarah Allred.  

Amber B 04:37 

I am so excited to welcome back to the podcast, Sarah Allred. Sarah, welcome. 

Sarah Allred 04:44 

Thank you. Hi.  

Amber B 04:46 

Hey. Okay. So last time we had Sarah on the podcast was back on episode 336 and we had a fantastic conversation about how you can't pour from an empty cup and how you had a really huge breakthrough six months ago about, I need to be like, I'm trying to please everybody else at the cost of, you know, not, not doing things for myself, right. That self-care and how important self-care is. And, you know, modeling that self-care for the people who are around you and learning to communicate your needs and taking messy action and what that looks like. And the thing that I, the aha moment that I had is we just had a conversation a couple of weeks ago where you started talking about how, what that's looked like for you, the actual embodied practice of self-care. And I said, I want you back on the podcast because I feel like sometimes we have these conceptualizations of saying, yeah, self-care is so important. Yeah, of course I need more self-care, but it's like that realization is an important realization, but then the embodied practice of what that actually looks like. Some people get lost with that. And you just had some really beautiful things to say about what that process has looked like for you. And I wanted to bring you back on the podcast to be able to share some of those insights. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Um, if you haven't listened to episode, the episode that we did previously with Sarah, um, episode 336, I think that's a really great place to start and then come and listen to this episode. I'm kind of thinking at Sarah, like, like, uh, where are they now? You know, right. 

Sarah Allred 06:12 

Sure. 

Amber B 06:13 

Where are they now kind of episode, uh, which is kind of fun because we're always growing and we're always learning and being able to bring you back on it is really exciting. So maybe for those of people who didn't listen to the other episode, just give us a quick introduction of you and a little bit about your story.  

Sarah Allred 06:31 

Okay. Um, I I'm Sarah. Um, I have been married to my husband for 15 years. Um, we, I homeschool my kids. I have three kiddos. They're 10 or they're eight, 10 and 12. Um, so I homeschool all three of them. Um, we have, uh, I have our oldest daughter that hat is neurodivergent. So she has a lot of special needs. And my husband is a paramedic Lieutenant with the local fire department. And he also works for the army. So I also have lots of bouts of solo parenting kind of mixed throughout. Um, I enjoy cooking and baking and gardening and just kind of like traditional homemaking things at home.  

Amber B 07:18 

Awesome. Okay. So let's go back. So you joined MACROS 101 in the Spring of 2024, right?  

Sarah Allred 07:24 

Yes. 

Amber B 07:25 

Um, until you and I had a really important conversation during that time where you had some pretty big realizations. If you were to just summarize that breakthrough, what, what was that breakthrough about for you?  

Sarah Allred 07:38 

Um, I think to summarize it, um, I like when I go back and listen to it, the things that stick out to me are, I said that I felt like I was kind of losing myself in motherhood. Um, but I also said that I can't breathe. Like I just, I just couldn't breathe every day. I was smothered in all of the things that were on my plate every day. Um, and I also had told you that, um, I had just kind of sucked the joy out of life. Like I was really struggling to find joy in what I was doing. I knew there was value in it and I wouldn't change it, but I, there was no joy every day. It was just a list of to-do lists to check off my list. And I was just really struggling to, to show up in the way that I wanted to show up.  

Amber B 08:27 

Yes. Awesome. And so when we had that conversation and you realized, man, I don't have any joy, it's just kind of a slog. I'm doing the things that are valuable, but I'm kind of losing myself in the process. What was like, what came of that? What changes did you realize that you needed to make?  

Sarah Allred 08:45 

So I think the biggest focus was that I kind of found my voice and you and I talked a lot about that in the last podcast podcast episode. Um, so I found my voice and I was able to kind of advocate for things that I needed, but I also kind of started this self-care journey. And so I started trying to take little parts of the day and insert things that would, that I thought at the time were really going to recharge my battery and kind of fill my cup. And so I started eating lunch in my bedroom. My kids would eat lunch in the kitchen and I would bring my lunch in the bedroom and I would eat by myself. And that would give me 20, 25 minutes of this like mental break. Um, I also started taking like these 20 minute power naps in the afternoon and we'd set a timer. My, one of my daughters would come wake me up when 20 minutes was up and it would kind of like reset me for the rest of the day. Um, I also started walking, I stick my headphones in and I, I walk our loop for, for two miles and then I would come in. Um, and I was doing that and it was, and it was good and it kind of provided a little bit of this mental break. Um, but then we had, um, you brought in Brad Bizjack to the Beyond community and we had a call with him and then we went through his, uh, his week, weekly challenge. And I don't remember if it was his weekly challenge or the class with us. Um, but he said something to the effect of, are you using self-care to escape? And that hit me really hard because I was like, Oh no, that is exactly what I'm using it for. It is not refilling my cup. It is not recharging my battery. I am escaping from the chaos. And so, and he also said, what if instead the goal is to build a life that you don't need to escape from? And so it has stuck with me and so then I was continued on my journey. And I was like, okay, like I am going to figure this out because I was coming in my bedroom and I was scrolling Instagram and catching up in the Beyond community, eating my lunch, not mindful about what I was eating and then just going back to my day. Or when I'd walk, I'd shove my headphones in. I'm like, I'm going to listen to a health podcast. I'm going to learn something new, like check this off my list. Like this is going to help me. And I, I just, it was better than it was, but it still wasn't working. And I still just wasn't quite satisfied with the way things were going and the way I was feeling.  

And so I just carried on in the journey. And I started, um, I started a coaching call, uh, coaching, uh, segment piece with, uh, Coach Sarah in Beyond. And we started talking about my emotional eating and why am I emotionally eating and what is behind that? And she suggested journaling. And I kind of went, I don't really want to do that. Like, that's so lame. Like, what is the purpose of that? And my daughter's counselor who had also been working with me this year has been telling me that for a while. And I was kind of like, and I'll have time for that, whatever. Um, and so Sarah said, two minutes, just put your journal where it's easily accessible and two minutes. And so I did, I put my journal in my kitchen and when I would get really overwhelmed teaching my kids for school, I would go in the kitchen and I would just start writing. And I was, I was shocked, like shocked at the things that I was writing. And I even went back this week and kind of re went through my journal and everything was, was just these feelings of, I don't want to be here. I want to escape. I don't want to be teaching them right now. I don't know what else I want to be doing, but I just want to get out of this room. I just want to get out of this house and just day after day after day, it was these feelings of, I don't want to be doing what I'm doing. Now I know deep down inside there's value in what I'm doing and I wouldn't choose anything else, but my feelings in the moment were, I don't want to be doing this right now. And so it was kind of shocking to kind of, you know, admit that. And so I, I just kind of carried on in this, in this journey of the pause, the name and the feel and pause and just pause in the name, your emotion, and then feel your emotion. And I had been okay at the pause and the name, but I was not feeling anything at feeling anything at all. I was brushing right through that. So the journaling helped me to like, really feel what I was feeling in the moment so that I could work past it. And so it just became this journey of what do you need, Sarah? And in this moment, not what do you need this week or next week, but what do you need in this moment? And so as I was able to ask myself those questions, what I was able to seek out for self care kind of changed and evolved over time. And so instead of, I just need to get out of here, it was, what do I need? I need some fresh air. Okay. Do you need some fresh air and just hear the birds singing and just hear nature as you walk? Or do you need to walk and just have some good uplifting Christian music? Or do you have the headspace to listen to a podcast or listen to a coaching call? And so that really helped my walking self-care turn more into addressing what I needed in the moment and refilling my cup as opposed to putting these headphones in. I'm checking one more thing off my list and I'm just walking and I come back and I'm still just as agitated as when I left.  

And so I just, I kind of went down that journey and it just really led to, to asking myself, what do I need to be my best? And I kind of came up with three, four basic things, I guess, but the biggest one was I need my rest and getting up at 4am for workouts on six hours of sleep is not fueling and recharging my battery like I need it to. And so eight hours of sleep is great and fabulous and ideal, but seven hours became my, my bottom, like that was my absolute bare minimum. I will get seven hours of sleep. If that means I have to go to bed early or I have to not watch TV at night, or if I have to turn my alarm off an hour, I became committed to increasing my sleep. And so I don't stay up super late. So I had to push my alarm back and I turned my alarm back to 5am, which kind of turned to chaotic stuff for me because I was trying to get my quiet time in and my Bible study in and my workout in all before my kids got up. And that was no longer possible. And so I just made peace with, I'm going to do my Bible study first because I can, I need quiet for that. And then I'll go into my workout. And if my kids are up and they're coming in and out of our garage while I'm working out, that's fine. Like they can come in and out. Um, so that was a big piece. And sometimes I would, I would skip, I would, I wouldn't have time to push my workout back. And so I would have to skip a workout or I would have to switch my workout days up so that I had a shorter cardio workout based on whatever I had planned for the day. Um, I also had to change my workouts. I think I was over-training and I was just, was not able to recover the way I wanted to. And so I went from lifting four days a week to three days a week. And it gave me a little bit more flexibility to add in some, some HIIT training or some yoga or some stretching, or just flat out rest days where I just, I sleep in, I sleep and I get my rest.  

Um, another one that I, I told myself was super important was eating nutritious food. And, and I've done that for years and I've always meal prepped on Sundays and it takes hours and hours, but I, I had to change the way that looked. Um, so instead of having all of Sunday to meal prep, when I could cook two or three nights a week, I would bulk cook. And so I had extra food for leftovers, um, and things like that because I didn't, in the season of life with our kids right now, being in activities, I just don't always have time to cook every night and to also spend all of Sunday afternoon food prepping. Um, another one of the things that was really hard for me is to accept help. Um, I don't like accepting help because one, I want things done my way, but also I shouldn't need help. Like I have that, that feeling of, well, good moms don't need help. I can do this by myself. And so I, you know, when we talked in MACROS 101, we talked about, you know, find, find your support system, find your village. And, and my village is even smaller than it was in MACROS 101. Like my, my village is, is not very big, but the people that are in our village are amazing. And so I've just really embraced the, the quality of our village. And so I'm not offered help a lot, but when it is offered to accept it and to just be gracious about it. Um, and so those were kind of just the mentalities I've kind of taken to apply to everyday life, to whatever my weeks bring, um, whatever the day brings taking those mental, like self self-care mentalities over like a specific, I'm going to do this and I'm going to feel better. 

Amber B 18:53 

Yeah. So good. I mean, I just really love the reframe and I think it's such a wise reframe, um, from self-care being, uh, escaping to refilling. Like, I think that's such a valuable shift because it looked like one of the reasons I wanted to have you on Sarah is because I've been so impressed at your willingness to continue the grown, the journey of growth. And I think, um, it's one thing to have a breakthrough. It's another thing to have a breakthrough and then continue growing and have another breakthrough and continue growing to have another breakthrough and growth happens in stages. And you know, you're going to have a breakthrough and then you're, there's going to be more problems and there's going to be more like the new breakthrough. What did they say? The new level, new devil, right? It's like the breakthrough causes new things that you have to wrestle with. Right? So you went from this, Hey, I'm not filling my cup. I realized I need more self-care. I realized I need to do more for myself. So I got this checklist and I'm going to like do these things. Cause that's what everybody says. I need to like go get a pedicure and I need to go for a walk. And I need to like, you know, it's like this to do list. So now we just added more things to your plate. And then there's this breakthrough and realization that yeah, you're checking the box of the “self-care” boxes, but you're using it as an escape from your life. And what would it look like for self-care? Self-care is supposed to be refilling. It's supposed to be re-energizing. It's supposed to be re-engaging with you, not escaping. But the point I want to make here, because this is what I see in you and where some people get stuck is that you had to, you had to go through that, right? You had the breakthrough of like, I need more self-care and wouldn't it have been awesome if you could have jumped from, I need more self-care to like actually having a beautiful self-care practice that was like hitting all the records. Yes. That would have been amazing. It very rarely happens. And what most people are not willing to do is they're not willing to go through the messy middle where they try something and it doesn't work. And they try something and it doesn't fill them. And like they go and they go for a walk and they're thinking they're checking the box, but it's not actually doing the thing that it's supposed to be doing because now you're just more angsty than you were before.  

And most people aren't willing to go through the struggle to have the next breakthrough. And so they just expect that they can skip from, I need more self-care to having this beautiful self-care practice. And they're not willing to go through the messy middle. And what I've seen in you is just that willingness to be where you're at, go through the struggle you're going through, trusting that that next breakthrough is going to it does. And so I really just want to highlight that because that way of being is going to continue to get you breakthroughs. It's going to continue your journey. It's going to continue the growth because you're willing to do it wrong. You're willing to “wrong”. You're willing to like have it not be perfect or have it not be great. We talked about messy action in the last one. I think your commitment to messy action is the reason you've been able to have so much growth in such a short period of time.  

Sarah Allred 21:42 

Well, and it has been messy. Like it hasn't been this straight line. It hasn't been easy. It it's taken a lot of practice and opportunities to practice. We talked about that in Beyond a couple of weeks ago. You know what? I'm just gonna be grateful that I have an opportunity to practice the skills that I want in my life and that I talk about wanting. And so I've had lots of practice. Like I've just had lots of opportunities to practice what what self-care looks like for me. Um, I think, I think I also had to admit that I was the biggest problem in my self-care journey.  

Amber B 22:23 

Yeah. 

Sarah Allred 22:24 

That I, I kind of had to get out of my own way because, you know, I wanted you to tell me back in MACROS 101, Sarah, I need you to do A, B and C and you're going to get the results that you want. And you didn't tell me that. And I was like, how do I get there? You know, but, but you can't, you can't tell people like you need to do this, this, and this because everybody's life is different. Everybody's circumstances are different. And so I just, I just committed to like being able to be flexible and I'm not flexible. I don't, I just like a plan and I, this has worked for me. So it's going to work for me the rest of my life. And that is absolutely not the case. I mean, I used to feel like, Oh, this is a new season of life for these next couple of years. And, and our seasons of life have changed as the sports seasons change. And, and so I've had to be okay with that and accept that and just know that my self-care isn't really a routine, but it's more of what do I need this week? You know, and I, and I, I plan our family calendar on Sundays, you know, and it's like, okay, these are the activities we have. These are the days I know I can cook. Um, and then I schedule my workouts. What days am I actually going to have the time to do my longer lifting workouts? What days do I need shorter cardio? Um, for like the best example, it's December, right? Everybody is completely overwhelmed with all of the holiday activities with all of their kids. Um, the first weekend of December, we were headed into, um, a musical. My kids were in a Christmas musical for church. First musical they've ever been in. Um, we live about 45 minutes from our church. It was four days, two nights of rehearsal, two nights of performances. I had volunteered to braid all the girls' hair for the performance. There was eight girls and they needed double French braids. And so, but I wanted to, I wanted to show up. It was important to my kids. It was important to us. And so I was like, okay, we're going to do this. We're going to make the adjustments that we need to make so that this is successful and the kids enjoy it and that I can enjoy it. And so we went and we did the four days. Uh, the day after was Sunday. And at the beginning of the week, I told myself, you're not going to church on Sunday. And that was really hard for me because in my head I have all these, well, a good Christian mom would be able to do all of the musical activities and still get her kids to church on Sunday.  

And so I, I fought all those childhood beliefs of good Christians. Don't just stay home. Good. You know, all of those things. And so Sunday came and I was like, no, we're staying home. We need rest. We were exhausted. The kids were exhausted. I was exhausted. And I was like, okay, we're going to catch up today. And so I have a long list of things to do to catch up. And I get about halfway through Sunday morning and I just hit a wall because I'm exhausted. I'm tired from the week. And I was like, okay, Sarah, you can power through and just run yourself into the ground and you will technically be ready for the week. Or you can pivot and choose to do something else with the rest of your day. And you can hopefully be recharged and refueled for, for the week. And so, so I did, I chose the latter and I was like, you know what, it would make me feel really good if I wrapped presents today. So I came to our bedroom, I wrapped gifts for a couple hours. I don't remember much else of what I did that day, but, but just kind of rest and just kind of be with the kids and, and see whatever they were doing. It was a drill weekend. So my husband was gone all weekend. It was just me, the kids. And I woke up Monday morning and I was ready to go. I felt ready for the week. My battery felt charged and it was just a confirmation of you have to give your body what your body needs when it needs it. And that is what we had. We were going into another busy week. It was graduation week for my husband, but I was, I was ready. I was ready. And, and, and we had a great week that week also, but I know if I had powered through, I would have felt awful on Monday and just been grumpy, super grumpy. 

Amber B 26:52 

Here's the thing that I want to highlight that I'm just hearing as like a thread through everything that you're saying, um, so often, and I get this because I'm a human as well. And I love a good checklist. Like, give me a checklist. I love it. Check it. I'm going to do it all because I can do like the best of them. And so we, as humans, like always, we want this checklist. And like you were saying, you just wanted me to come in, give me a checklist, Amber. And I'm like, I'm real good at checklist. And the problem with a checklist is that we can do things from different energies. So we can go for a walk and it can be restorative or it can be not restorative, right? So you can do the same action, but the energy that you bring to, or, or the why behind why you're doing something completely can change the experience. And so I've, I've really struggled with, um, explaining this concept of the difference between doing something and being right. The difference, how do you differentiate between what I'm doing and who I'm being? And this feels like a really hard concept. And I look at the doing as, as the checklist of like, I just need to like go do a pedicure. And now I've checked off, like you said, that self-care routine, right? We all want just a self-care routine, the checklist. But the real goal is for that to become an embodied practice. And that's what I think that as you're listening to Sarah talk, the way she's describing it is this has become an embodied practice. A good example of this is I listened to a lot of people who talk about meditation and they're really clear. Um, a lot of people are like, I need a meditative practice, right? I need 10 minutes a day that I, I'm going to go and I'm going to sit and I'm going to do my meditation. And I know that that's good for me. And so I'm going to like check it off my list, right? It's like that list mentality. 

Sarah Allred 28:26 

Yeah. 

Amber B 28:27 

And most meditation teachers will say a meditative practice is, yes, it's great to start with, right? It's good to like have a contemplative practice, a meditative practice for a moment of time, but that's not the end goal. The end goal is for you to be able to carry that same presentness, that same contemplative practice, that same awareness throughout your entire day, right? The goal is to build a meditative life, a contemplative life. So it's not like these five minutes or these 10 minutes I meditate. It's like, I bring that same energy, that same practice, that same awareness throughout my whole entire day. And that's where it goes from being meditative practice to, or sorry, from doing meditative practice to being a meditative contemplative person. And that's what I'm hearing in a lot of what you're saying is like, you went from the doing of self-care rituals to actually embodying self-care as a just way of you being in the world on the whole day. And that looks different every day because you need something different. Like your body needs something different. You need something different. And so that question, I wrote it down. What do you need in this moment? What a beautiful question to be asking ourselves. How often do you ask yourself that question? What do I need in this moment? What does my body need? What does my soul need? What is, what does my emotions need in this moment? And then addressing it in that moment, which is not usually what we do. We usually say, I don't have time for that, or I can't deal with that right now, or I'm just going to, I don't want to feel that right now. So I'm going to shove it down. And you just, you just asking that question and then allowing whatever comes up and then addressing it is such a beautiful reframing of what self-care can look like. 

Sarah Allred 30:03 

Well, and, and it has really been just like the pivotal question for me because it, it changes every day, but it, I mean, it can change in a moment. You know, we, we had, I guess my best example for that is last week was graduation week. We were headed down when my husband got off work on Thursday night, we were going to stay at my dad's house. And in the afternoon, we had a debrief with my daughter's neuropsychs and to give us like the evaluation debrief. And my husband had a busy day at work. He was in between trainings and he's like, I don't know if I can make it. And I, I, at first I was like, okay. And then I called him back and I said, no, I need you to be there. Like, I need you to be at the meeting. I cannot regurgitate what they are going to say the way they say it. And I need you to be there with me. And so so he joined on Zoom. He was at work, joined on Zoom. I was at home. It was a really hard meeting. We, we got results and news that we weren't quite expecting and is throwing us on a completely different path for her. Um, and so I got off, he got off and, and I called him just to check in, like, Hey, like, how are, how are you feeling? Like, what are we doing? And he's like, I have 10 minutes to get to the next fire station to start a training. He said, I feel a migraine coming on. I said, okay, just go teach and we'll regroup when you get home. And our call had ran late. And so his training started late. So he wasn't going to finish like six at night. So he gets home and I was just like, I, I need to sleep in my own bed tonight. I am sad. I am tired. I am exhausted. I don't want to drive down tonight. I want to sleep in our own bed, get up early tomorrow and, and then, you know, start graduation weekend. And for him and I both, it's very hard to pivot. You know, we make a plan. This is what we're going to do. We don't want to disappoint people. So we're just going to power through and do it. And, and for both him and I, we didn't, and we were like, it's okay. Like we can, we can change plans. This is okay. And so we did. And we went to bed that night. We got up the next morning. And again, just like I had said before with the musical week, I was refreshed. I felt like my battery was charged and I was ready to take on graduation weekend, you know, but I know if we hadn't just given ourself the grace, you know, people say all the time, just give yourself grace. And I'm always like, I don't know what that means. What does that mean?  

Amber B 32:34 

Yeah. 

Sarah Allred 32:35 

You know, but, but that's like, for me, that's what it meant. You know what I can, I can pivot in the moment. And, you know, cause cause life is hard. Everybody's life is hard and has challenges. And so when you're thrown these challenges, it's okay to pause and then pivot and, and do the next best thing for you and for your kids. And I just don't think, I don't know if it's society, I'm not sure what it is, but they, they don't tell you that, you know, like we're just told power through finish that to-do list, you know? And, and quite honestly, I, I probably am getting less things accomplished on my to-do list than I ever have. But at the same time, I am finding the joy in, in motherhood again, in homeschooling my kids again. And so my productivity is, I guess you would say down, but the enjoyment of what I'm actually doing and being present with my kids is better than it's ever been.  

Amber B 33:39 

Yeah. Well, I think if you think of it like a math equation, you know, cause we have this idea. I mean, I'm right there with you, like, I love a to-do list. I love a checking off. I love productivity. Once I make a decision, we're going to do it and we're not going to change no matter what, like, I want to control everything. Like I'm, I'm right there with you. But I think the fallacy in that thinking is when we say, you know, I had higher productivity before, and maybe you're able to accomplish, let's say 15 things in a day. And so you're like, well, I used to be able to accomplish 15 things in a day. And today I'm only able to accomplish five things in a day. So I was more productive previously. And the caveat that I would make that I think the lie that we tell ourselves is that there's a second variable in that equation. It's not just 15. It's 15 times some sort of variable, which in this case is like the joy that you're feeling. And 15 times zero, if you're feeling zero joy equals zero productivity, whereas five times, maybe now you're feeling ten joy. Now we have 50 productivity. And I think that's the piece that we were missing is we're so focused on the doing that's the, that's the productivity that we're missing the whole point of the doing, which is who we're being our experience, the life that we're actually creating and, and creating a life where maybe you do a little bit less, but you enjoy it and you experience it. And you have a fullness of life is always going to be a better, fuller life than one where you just do, do, do, do, and hate every single minute of it.  

Another thought that I had while you were speaking is, and I had never made this cross, um, between, you know, this quote that I hear Glenn and Doyle talk about of this, the willingness to be able to disappoint others so that you don't disappoint yourself. Right. That's what I heard in this. Like I usually am a people pleaser. Once I say I'm going to do something, I don't want to let other people down. And she always talks about being willing to disappoint others. So you don't disappoint yourself. And that's what the decision you and your husband made in that moment. That's the decision you made in going to church or not going to church that day. Right. It's like you decided I'm not going to disappoint myself anymore. And I never realized the overlap with that and self-care because we do, we think about self-care as bath bubbles, as taking a walk, having to pedicure, whatever like that is self-care. And I really think this idea of being willing to disappoint others. So you don't disappoint yourself is the ultimate form of self-care. And I think that's what you're learning in the season of life.  

Sarah Allred 35:53 

Well, and you know, if I look from my life right now to my, to my life a year ago, I have just as much on my plate. It's the same plate. And I would probably argue, uh, with a smaller village and new things with my daughter. I have more on my plate. I have more on my plate right now than I have ever had, but it doesn't feel as heavy as it did last year. You know, I am, I just feel like I was always like up to here and I know people can't see me cause it's a podcast, but my whole body was just filled with anxiety. And I'm just a 10 out of 10 of, I am going to snap at you. I am going to yell at you because I am just so overwhelmed and just cannot, I just cannot regulate my nervous system. Like I, I just, I'm up to here. And with having that same plate with maybe a little bit more on it, I don't feel that chaos inside and that anxiety inside. Now, sometimes I do feel it, but it's not a 10. You know, now when I feel it, it's more like a three or a four. Um, but I'm, I'm just able to show up. Like, I'll share this story about my daughter. I started drinking a probiotic a couple months ago and I, I had ran out of it and the new shipment came in and my husband's like, what is this? And my daughter said, well, that's mama's probiotic. It makes her happy. And he just looked at me and we just kind of, you know, and he's like, are you going to tell her that's not the drink? I'm like, no, it's fine. She can think it's the drink. But, but it was just so eyeopening that she, I don't know. The kids do notice they notice. I mean, she thinks it's a probiotic drink and that's not it, but, but it is. And I had, I think I had shared in our beyond group. Um, I jumped on the trampoline with my kids this week. I, they were frustrated with school and they were, you know, it's, it's, it's the holiday season, right? It's like, we just want to be done. And I'm like, normally I would send them out to jump. And so I told him, I was like, Hey guys, why don't you teach me how to play gaga ball on the trampoline? And their eyes lit up. They're like, are you going to jump with us? I was like, sure, why not? And so we went out there and it was 15 minutes. It was not very long at all. And it, it just made their day and they were so excited that I was out there with them. Um, it was, you know, it's the reset that I kind of needed. Also, we were out in the sunshine, we were jumping.  

Um, a year ago, I would not have done that. I would have yelled at them and sent them outside and been like, come back in 15 minutes. And I would have gone to my kitchen and I would have shoved some crackers or energy bites or something in my mouth to just calm my nervous system. And I'm, I'm now at a point where I'm not fighting all that emotional eating and that emotional snacking. And I'm just more present to, to my kids, what my kids need, what I need, what my husband needs. Um, where before I just, I just was so focused on just getting all of my work done because then I'll feel good about myself. Right. Like it, my to-do list is gone and I accomplished my work. So I'm good, you know? And now it's like, I mean, I make my to-do list because I do think some things have to be done on time and they're important, but I just don't live and die by my to-do list anymore.  

Amber B 39:30 

Yeah. It's, it's such, it's such a hardship and I, and I, I, I love that you brought back in, like, I'm not saying it to do list is bad, right? There is a lot of value in having structure and in having like a vision of what you're, what you're going to accomplish. But I think if we live and die by that to-do list rather than the experience that we have while doing the to-do list, we're missing the point. The point of life is to live. It is to experience it. It isn't to get our to-do list done. And the to-do list unfortunately never ends. Like there's, it's never.  

Sarah Allred 40:04 

Right. 

Amber B 40:05 

And so if that's true and we know that the to-do list never ends, we really have to be focused on how am I experiencing this? Am I, am I feeling joy? Am I feeling presence? Am I like filled up by the to-do list that I'm doing? And if not, something needs to change because that's the point of life. It's not to accomplish things. It's not to like check things off your list. It's who you're becoming in that process. And that's why this conversation, I think, hopefully I'm hoping that people, as they listen to this, they're really feeling that distinction between a list and, and doing versus becoming. Those are very, very different things. And again, I think a lot of people just want to jump. Oh, that sounds great. I want to jump to the becoming, but I want to go back and circle around. This is a great like way to like finish up this episode is I want to go back and what the point that I made of the reason that you're able to get to this point is because you did the process. You, you started with the doing. And one of my mentors, she always says you act your way into a new way of being. And so if you're wanting to become someone who embodies self-care or embodies presence or embodies joy or embodies any of these things, it is helpful sometimes to start with a to-do list of like, these are the way that I could start to act that way. Even before I become that type of person, I can act that way because you act your way into a new way of being. And so your willingness to jump in, make it messy, do it wrong, try some things that didn't work is the reason that you were able to get to this point where this has just become part of who you are and a part of the way that you live your life. Nothing. 

Sarah Allred 41:34 

Yeah. No. Yeah. I, I mean, I completely agree. And, you know, and as I reflect back, like I couldn't tell you the last time I took a nap, you know what I mean? Like I was like, I was like living and dying by those 20 minute naps and I don't, I don't need to escape. But, you know, I,  

Amber B 41:53 

Oh, good. So good. Well, Sarah, this has been such a fabulous conversation. So, so along the lines, when you first, when we got on, you guys don't know this, but, but when we got on, Sarah was like, I know you wanted like some specific things that I've done for self-care, but it's really become so much more than that. And I was like, wait, don't tell me anymore. Tell me the fact that I have so many thoughts on this, because this has been something that I've really been studying and like analyzing and thinking about in terms of my own life as well. And so it's just so fun to be able to come on and have this conversation on this higher level, on this higher plane of what growth actually looks like. And I'm just grateful for you coming and being willing to share a little bit of what that processes look like, because I know that there are people listening who this will help elevate their, their rate of growth as well. So thanks for coming on.  

Sarah Allred 42:36 

Thank you so much for having me. 

Amber B 42:38 

Oh, so good. Oh my gosh. Wasn't that conversation with Sarah just incredible. I am so inspired by my clients and Sarah specifically, but a lot of my MACROS 101 clients who are willing to get messy. They're willing to try things. They're willing to figure out what certain concepts mean for them in their life, right? This is what self-care looks like for Sarah. That doesn't mean it's what it's going to look like for you or anybody else, but Sarah has been willing to do the messy work to figure out what it looks like for herself, not as a way of escape, but as a way to really recharge yourself and show up as the best version of Sarah. And I think a lot of us can probably relate to, you know, trying to do all the check boxy things and still feel totally depleted. And Sarah's journey is really a beautiful reminder that these transformations happen over time and it's not overnight and it takes dedication. It takes focus and it takes intention and it takes being willing to do it messy and do it wrong and do it poorly and not do it great and figure out what works and what doesn't work. And that is hopefully the thing that you're taking away from this episode.  

If you love this episode, I'd love for you to take a quick screenshot, share on your stories, tag me at Biceps After Babies. I love hearing from you and hearing the ahas that you're having as you're listening to this content on your way to school drop-off or on your way to work or on your way to the grocery store, or maybe you're going for a walk. I just love connecting with you outside of the podcast and hearing what you're thinking about. So thank you for spending a little part of your day with me. I know your time is precious and I don't take that for granted. And that wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber. Now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything. 

Outro

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