364: When You Feel Disappointed With Your Results | Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 364

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and today we are diving into one of the most powerful tools you can use in your health and fitness journey. And it is the debrief. This is something I weave all throughout MACROS 101. And when I coach my clients, it is the moment when you take a pause, you do some reflection, and you assess not just what went right, but also what didn't go as planned. And often in those, what didn't go as planned is some really, really important lessons for you to learn. And when we can integrate those lessons moving forward, we can progress and we can grow so much more rapidly and get to our goals so much faster. The debrief is where you have the chance to uncover those lessons, celebrate your wins, and yes, even face those moments where you maybe feel a little bit of disappointment looking back, because let's be honest, sometimes the results do not match up with your expectations or what you had hoped for. And that is exactly where the magic of growth happens.  

So in this episode, I coach one of my clients and we were doing a debrief of the results that my clients had created in their time inside of MACROS 101, and she felt disappointed. And maybe you felt that way before as well, where you come into something all excited, you put in the effort, and maybe you're a little bit disappointed in the results that are actually created. But as I talk with Carissa, we discovered and uncovered something really important. And that is what happens in the difference between focusing on the gap and focusing on the gain. Now, this isn't my concept. This comes from Dan Sullivan, and he has a book called The Gap and the Gain. But the gap is all about what you haven't achieved yet. And so often we spend a lot of our time focusing on what we don't currently have, or how far away we are from the results we want, and it can feel like a weight dragging you down. When we focus on the gain, however, that's focusing on how far you've come, what you've learned, the progress you have made, even if it's not exactly what you expected. So if you've ever felt stuck in the gap, feeling like you're not where you should be, or feeling disappointed by the results that you've created, this episode is going to give you a fresh perspective and some practical strategies to reframe your journey. So whether your goal is to lose fat or gain muscle or just feel stronger in your skin, being able to debrief your experience and deal with some of that disappointment, and maybe even turn that disappointment into clarity and momentum is essential to your success. So let's dive into the coaching conversation with Carissa.  

Amber B 03:32 

Okay, so tell me what emotion is present for you as you look back. 

Carissa 03:35 

Disappointment.  

Amber B 03:36 

Disappointment. Disappointment because or of what?  

Carissa 03:40 

Because I didn't get the results that I charted out at the start. 

Amber B 03:46 

Nice, okay. So that makes sense. You know, you had an expectation or a desire for something and it didn't come to pass. And so there's disappointment in that. Are you willing to share some specifics about that?  

Carissa 03:57 

Sure.  

Amber B 03:57 

The results, what results specifically?  

Carissa 04:00 

Well, like I had specifically charted out how I could get, you know, lose. I was going for the, you know, I think the program said a half pound to two pounds a week. I'm like, well, I can do two pounds a week. So I charted out two pounds a week and I was expecting to be down at this point. And I'm only down like, I think I averaged half a pound. So I'm like, well, dang it. Like what? Yeah. 

Amber B 04:27 

Cool.  

Amber B 04:28 

And I'm trying to celebrate the half a pound but it's harder than it looks.  

Amber B 04:33 

Yeah, no, and I appreciate that. Like, I appreciate the honesty. I think, you remember when I taught about the gap versus the gain? And I think what you're saying is like, I'm really trying hard to focus on the gain and celebrate the gain, but it is still really hard to not compare against the gap of what I expected or what I thought or what I wanted. Yeah, yeah. And so I think that, again, that's a really valid experience, totally valid to have some of those mixed emotions of like, I'm celebrating, but I'm also disappointed. What do you think, you know, that question that I asked of, what is that emotion communicating to you? What came up for you when I asked that question?  

Carissa 05:17 

Well, I always wonder, is it a little bit of perfectionism? But I also think it's a little bit of like fear. Like, I'm never gonna get there. Like, this is too hard. It's like another instance of being disappointed where things just don't work out. And then am I doing it right? Will I ever do it right? All that. 

Amber B 05:38 

Yeah, good. Excellent. I think you're spot on that there, for some people it becomes the manifestation of their fear. So the fear is I'm never gonna get there. I'm not going to be able to do it. And this example just starts to support that fear in you. Right? It stokes that fear of like, see, just like I thought, I'm not gonna be able to be successful, right? Cause that's your deepest, darkest fear is that I can't do this. I'm not capable. It's not possible for me. And this external validation of that fear.  

Carissa 06:17 

Yes, yes. And when my app told me, I think it was the scale app, like it charted out when I would actually hit my goal. I'm like, well, dang it. Like I really wanted to hit my goal well before my son's graduation in May. And like, it would chart me out to August or something. I can't even remember, but I'm like, well, that stinks. Like that's not why I signed up for this.  

Amber B 06:42 

Totally, yeah. Because you wanna be done in the time that you wanna be done.  

Carissa 06:45 

Yes.  

Amber B 06:45 

Yeah, yeah. And are you starting to see, so what is the alternative? So we have this experience of feeling the disappointment and the discouragement. It's soaking this fear of I'm never gonna get there. If we follow that fear through, if we follow that disappointment through, what does that lead you to do in terms of your actions?  

Carissa 07:09 

Well, usually there's, I could change courses and try to find something else. I could give up and throw in the towel and resign myself to the fact that it is what it is.  

Amber B 07:22 

Yeah, yeah. And so if we play those out, let's play out the changing course, okay? So if we change course and we say, this thing didn't work the way I wanted it to work. I'm gonna go change course. I'm gonna go find something else. Well, how would that play out over the next six to 12 months?  

Carissa 07:40 

I'm guessing, like I don't have anything in mind. So I probably would be more in a holding pattern I would probably be trying to execute some version of this. I would continue on until something else caught my eye or attention.  

Amber B 07:57 

Sure, yeah. Okay, cool. And then let's do the same thing with the giving up and throwing in a towel because that's a very real possibility. It's like, this is not working. I'm just gonna, why am I doing? Why am I trying so hard? I'm just gonna give up the towel. Where will you be in six to 12 months if that ends up happening?  

Carissa 08:19 

Probably right where I'm at because I've been kind of maintaining here for quite a while. So I don't know that. Yeah, but I certainly won't have achieved my goal.  

Amber B 08:22 

Sure, yeah. And so I think that's what you're kind of starting to realize is that yes, there's disappointment in not hitting this goal and not having the expectations met of having the body you want in May. And so if we stay in that position and we stay on that's what we focus on, we can tell that what we're gonna create is simply more of what we already have. And so this is an opportunity to recognize do I want to continue to create more of what I already have? Or do I want something different?  

Carissa 08:54 

Yeah. I want something different.  

Amber B 08:58 

And so what I would offer you is that the only thing that needs to change in order to get something different is where you're placing your focus.  

Carissa 09:11 

Okay, tell me more about that.  

Amber B 09:12 

Yep, so I say often you are where your focus is. You are where your attention is. Where we're placing attention and what we're reinforcing is the reality that we create. And so there's an opportunity here. We have the reality that you've lost. How many pounds have you lost?  

Carissa 09:32 

Four, I think.  

Amber B 09:33 

You've lost four pounds. The expectation was I was gonna lose 16 because it's eight times two. 

Carissa 09:37 

Right.  

Amber B 09:38 

So I've lost four pounds. My expectation was I lost two. Where you place your attention on will determine where you go. If we continue to place our attention on the fact that I didn't lose the 16, I didn't lose the 16, I'm not gonna be successful. I'm never gonna be able to get there because I didn't lose the 16. That is what it's going to create for you. You're either going to change course, you're gonna be in this holding pattern. It's just gonna create more of what you already have, which is what you don't want.  

Carissa 10:04 

And to be totally honest, what my struggle is, like I put my pants on in the morning and they're not fitting how I want them to because, yes, so that is every morning I'm like, oh.  

Amber B 10:14 

Reinforcement, yeah, it's like reinforcement that like this is, it's not working the way, again, it's like reinforcement of that reality. It's not working. I'm not where I wanna be. I'm not gonna get there. I may not ever be able to get there. And that's what it's creating in your life because you are where your attention is. If, and I'm not saying this is easy, this is work. If we can move your attention on a daily basis to the win, to the progress, to the four pounds that you have lost, it changes everything. Because now we're in a state of it is working. It may be slower than I want, but it is working. I am changing. I am progressing. And when you place your attention on that, that becomes your world. And you act from that place. You act from the place of it's working. And you can already tell that when you act from the place that it's already working, because it is, it's just different than you thought it was gonna be. If we act from that place, the decisions you make are gonna be much more in alignment with what you want to create. Where when we act from the place of this isn't working and I'm disappointed, well, now we do things like throw in the towel. We go look for answers everywhere else. Instead of really turning to where the answers are, Carissa, the answers are inside of you. Like what is going to create the results you want is your growth. But what a lot of us do is we go outside of ourself and we say, there must be a program. There must be a diet. There must be somebody else, a guru out there who's gonna be able to fix everything for me. And so then we jump from program to program to program to program to program, trying to find the secret ingredient out here when the secret ingredient, and you're starting to realize this, is inside, is in here. And so you take you with you wherever you go, unfortunately. It's really a bummer. So if we have some of these issues internally of where we're placing our focus, where we're placing our attention, some of that internal work that I talk so much about, if you haven't solved or healed or fixed that part of you, you're gonna take that with you into anything else that you go and do. And this is a big aha because that's how so many of us try to get away from ourselves. We try to get away from who we are ourselves and we go and try to help everybody else fix us rather than taking a pause and saying, I'm gonna take me with me wherever I go. What do I need to heal inside of myself? What do I need to do, have change in the way that I'm speaking to myself and the way that I'm thinking about things to be able to make the progress? And what I'm saying is, it is simple in the way that I'm saying it. I recognize it as harder to do. So I wanna make that really clear. But it is as simple as moving your focus from the gap and what you don't have yet and what you expected. It is as simple as moving from that to what you have created thus far and what is working and what you have done. This is not a matter of ignoring or trying to put on a happy face or toxic positivity. That's not that. Because you have, you've lost four pounds and we can, you're basically ignoring that by saying, but I haven't gotten to 16. 

Carissa 13:30 

Yeah. 

Amber B 13:31 

And so we can shift your focus onto the four pounds that what you have done so far, it changes everything. I recognize it's really simple to say and it's a lot harder to do. So then the question becomes, well, how do I do that? How do I practice that? Do you have any thoughts about that? I will share some thoughts, but I'm curious if you have any thoughts about that as I'm talking. 

Carissa 13:59 

I mean, I was already thinking, well, one, just take those thoughts captive. So like first thing in the morning, if I notice that, that I immediately redirect my thoughts to something and there's always something obviously, but also doing a better job of journaling throughout the day, just jotting down. Like, even if I'm like, you know what? I passed on that cookie that I was tempted by, or I stuck with my meal plan today, or just like little tiny wins. If I write those down, that would probably help shift things.  

Amber B 14:34 

Yeah, and what I wanna say too, is that we as humans, we have a negativity bias. We have a negativity slant. It is very normal for us to look for all the things that are wrong. That's human evolution. It keeps us very safe, but it stunts our growth. It stunts our ability to be able to grow. So yes, you are absolutely right. That when, like I said, you are where you put your focus and who is in charge of where you put your focus, you are. And so this is what you're saying is an opportunity to be able to intentionally put your focus on the good things that are happening, the positive things that are happening, the things that you're proud of, and not just like, this is what we do all the time, is like, you guys make a decision or you make a decision from a different place that you've never done before, but you sweep that under the rug as like not that big of a deal, or like not that important. Instead of recognizing that that is you showing, that is a different version of you showing up. Example would be, hey, in the past, I would have gone to this party and I would have just thrown everything out the window and I would have eaten all the cake and the crackers and the wine and everything. And I went to the party and this party, I only had two glasses of wine and three crackers. And like, instead of saying, but I didn't stick to my plan all the way, which is that negativity bias, you're saying, look how much I've changed. Look how much growth I've had, because in the past I would have drinken five glasses of wine and all of the cheese and all of the crackers.  

So again, this is, it's just simply where you're choosing to put your focus on because where you put your focus on is what you create more of. And you have an opportunity all day long to shift your focus into that, which is supportive of your goals. Again, not easy, simple, but not easy. But that's the opportunity that you have. And remember when I said at the very beginning of the call that when we're doing this reflection, it's really important to learn lessons of what we want to carry forward with us. And it's just, or even more important to learn lessons of what we want to let go of. And so what is it that you're wanting to let go of as you move forward?  

Carissa 16:51 

I guess I want to let go of the focus on the gap because I do think I'm focusing on the gap quite often. Oh, I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet. I'm not there yet.  

Amber B 17:06 

Yeah. Do you see how that focus keeps you safe?  

Carissa 17:14 

I do not. 

Amber B 17:16 

Okay. Your biggest fear, or at least one of your fears, is that you're never going to get there. 

Carissa 17:22 

Yes. 

Amber B 17:23 

So if we continue to focus on the gap and how you are not there, that ends up allowing you to quit and not have to challenge that to see if it's a reality. It lets you off the hook because you're so afraid that if I give it my all, what if I give it my all and my all is not good enough? Well, then where are we going to be? Now I've just confirmed my deepest, darkest fear that I'm not good enough or I'm never going to get there. And so instead of putting yourself in that reality of going all in and maybe falling short, we pull back and we give a little bit, but then we get scared and we quit because I never have to face that fear of trying. It's like, I can always tell myself, well, I didn't get it because I didn't try or I didn't go all in or I didn't do everything that I was supposed to do. And so that's why I didn't get the result, not because there's something wrong with me. Do you see that?  

Carissa 18:21 

I do.  

Amber B 18:22 

Yeah. So it does, like most of the time, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And so your opportunity is to recognize that, have an aha moment, and like you said, start to let go of focusing on the gap because it feels safer to do that. That's why you do it, but it's stunting your ability to be able to get the thing that you really want. Make sense?  

Carissa 18:47 

It does. 

Amber B 18:48 

Okay. What are you taking away from this?  

Carissa 18:55 

I think that desire for safety also keeps me from going all in because it feels like a bigger risk, which would be a bigger fail.  

Amber B 19:06 

Yep. You nailed it. You nailed it.  

Carissa 19:09 

Yeah. 

Amber B 19:10 

And now that you've realized that, what does that realization create in you?  

Carissa 19:21 

Honestly, I feel fear because I'm like, oh no, do I have what I'm feeling like? Do I have the bandwidth to go all in? Which I guess is really causing me to ask what else is gonna have to change in order for me to go all in?  

Amber B 19:38 

Absolutely. Yeah. All completely valid questions. What you're experiencing is this pressure to make a choice and that choice is inherently pushing you to decide. What is this gonna take? Am I willing to give this? What is it gonna cost? Like all those fears start to come up. And even some of, you mentioned the perfectionism at the beginning, even some of the perfectionism starts to come up of like, well, if I have to go all in, there's like a element of I have to be perfect, I have to do it all, right? And that's not what I mean when I say that you go all in. What I'm saying right now, going all in looks like for you is being willing to let go of focusing on the gap and intentionally focusing on the gain. And that is going all in right now. It is making a choice not from a place of fear because all of those things are valid. All of those fears are valid, but can you still see that I'm presenting with you a choice and where you're trying to make that choice from as a place of fear?  

Carissa 20:44 

Yeah.  

Amber B 20:45 

And so we have to get, if you're gonna make your best decisions, if you're gonna lean into this new version of you, it's getting out of making that decision from fear, even though the fears are present, but we're calming ourself down enough and stepping into the place of possibility and letting those fears go and making choices from that place. It's subtle. It's a subtle difference, but it changes everything.  

Carissa 21:08 

For sure. I can feel it in my deep down, like, oh, when I think about the possibility of like, oh, hey, by May, maybe I won't be where I wanna be, but boy, I sure am gonna be a lot different than I am right now. That possibility is exciting.  

Amber B 21:44 

Yes. Yes. And can you see how it creates more clarity on your decisions and your choices from that place versus the clouding that tends to happen when we stay in fear? 

Carissa 21:36 

Yes. 

Amber B 21:37 

Yeah. It's powerful. So good. Thanks, Carissa. That was really good.  

Carissa 21:40 

Yeah. Thank you. 

Amber B 21:42 

I hope that conversation with Carissa was eye-opening for you. Maybe you learned some things about yourself and how you approach your journey. Maybe you learned some things about how you can reframe maybe some of the disappointment that you're currently feeling. Maybe you're feeling disappointed right now in your journey. And I just wanna validate that that is fine and normal and natural. And there's nothing wrong with feeling disappointed. It is simply an indication that something didn't go as planned. And there's nothing wrong with that. And yet if we stay in that frame of disappointment and focusing on what we haven't created versus what we have, like I coached Carissa, you're just going to create more of that in your journey. And so this can be a really, really powerful shift for you.  

If you're wanting to have more of this type of coaching and listen to more of this type of coaching and receive more of this type of coaching, I invite you to come into MACROS 101 because that is where we do this type of work. I teach you not only how to use the tool of macro counting and the strategy of macro counting, but to pair it with the mental breakthroughs and the mental work that allows those tools to stick and the progress to stick long-term. You can go to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist to get on the first to know list when we open doors to MACROS 101. That wraps up this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber. Now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.   

Outro

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