388: “I’m Not Hungry, But I Still Ate It” | Live Coaching Session

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 388.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey, welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host Amber Brueseke. And today we're talking about something fascinating that happens in so many of our brains. Lauren describes having a moment where she literally says to herself, “You're not hungry for this”, while reaching for a dessert. Did you catch that? She said, you're not hungry, not I'm not hungry. And that's because most of us have these two parts, the part of us that wants the cookie. And then the part of us that is like the parent and says, you shouldn't have that cookie. And these two parts of ourselves are constantly fighting each other. And most of us are very, very familiar with this battle. But what if I told you that there's a third option? What if instead of having these two parts battle it out, you could become an integrated person who makes decisions from a place of wholeness. That is exactly what I'm exploring in today's episode. Plus, we're going to dive into why eating in social situations feels so much more complicated than when you're at home eating by yourself. This is some deep transformational work that we go into in this conversation with Lauren. And I can't wait to share it with you. 

Lauren 02:00

Okay. But, um, I had said earlier as my win was being 11 weeks postpartum and throughout this coaching, whenever you said like the comment about like growing your growth, um, I've kind of felt, I was feeling this before I found that I was pregnant where I didn't really feel like I was challenging myself. 

Amber B 02:22

Yeah.

Lauren 02:23

I guess. Um, and it wasn't really lifting wise. It's more like mentally, like I got into a groove where I was having wins where like I could bake a batch of cookies and not feel guilty about eating one or like a plant tracking is not a problem anymore, but I didn't, I just feel like I need to push myself more, um, at this point. And, but I'm not really sure like what to push in, if that makes sense. Like there's a, there's something in my head saying like, you can be stronger mentally in some areas around food. Like maybe it's emotional eating. Um, but I'm like having a hard time figuring out what to do about that, to like figure out how I can make myself uncomfortable. That makes sense.

Amber B 03:09

Okay, cool. So, um, to be clear, the goal isn't to make yourself uncomfortable. The goal is to have an outcome that you desire and the path to go through is going to be uncomfortable to get there. So, but I, but I think you have to work backwards from what is the outcome I desire. So if you're thinking about an ideal version of you that maybe has attributes that you're lacking, what, what does that look like? What does that outcome look like? 

Lauren 03:40

I think a lot of it or areas I feel like I can still improve in is around like food in, um, non-planned environments. So like, for example, over the weekend, I know that I'm at, I'm above maintenance because I'm breastfeeding. So I'm like, heck yeah, I get a lot more food, but I still found myself. Like I literally paused at one moment. I was putting a dessert into a bowl and I found myself pausing saying, you're not hungry for this. And I still ate it. And then the next day, my stomach literally hurt all day because I overdid it on the desserts. 

Amber B 04:15

Okay, cool. 

Lauren 04:16

And so it's that moment right there where I'm still pausing. Go ahead. 

Amber B 04:20

Okay. So how in an ideal situation, how would you have preferred you handled that? 

Lauren 04:28

I still like that I paused like that's a big improvement for me. You know, it's ahead of time. Um, 

Amber B 04:35

So we'd still have the pause, but then what would be different after the pause? 

Lauren 04:38

I think it would be more of analyzing like why my hand's even reaching for the spoon. Then, like add that into the pause before it's in the bowl. If that makes sense.

Amber B 04:52

Okay. Sure. One thing I noticed, it was interesting to me when, um, you verbalized what went on in your head is your verbalization was you're not hungry. Um, which is like not a first person. It's not a first person, uh, a statement, right. It's not, I'm not hungry. It's a, you're not hungry, which is interesting because it's, it infers like two parts of yourself, which we have, most of us are very familiar with those two parts of ourselves, the parts like you want the cookie, you can eat the cookie. And the other one's like, you shouldn't eat the cookie. It's not good for you. Right. We're very familiar with those two parts.

So it's interesting to me that you phrased it that way, because it was like you were speaking to that other side of you versus it coming from a, like, I'm not hungry. And I think that that is a huge shift for a lot of people. And I wonder if this is kind of what you're also pointing to is like a place where like, you're not fighting against yourself or one part of yourself wants to get something in one of your, but you're integrated and it's like, I am not hungry and I'm not going to eat it.

Lauren 06:00

Yeah. That's a good point. Cause it did feel like an external, like looking down on what I was doing when it was happening.

Amber B 06:08

Right. Yeah. This is a, it's a movement from a more of an external compliance framework to an internal compliance framework. That's kind of what I'm speaking to you. And this is a little like elevated, right. This is like a little bit next level, but getting to that, and this is where I'm trying to get all of you guys to the place where like, you're making the decision of what you want to do with your life. You're not fighting against yourself. This is why we do a lot of like the brain work because a lot of times our logical mind will fight against our subconscious mind. This is where the writer and the elephant, that metaphor that I use a lot, where like writer is the logical mind saying, I want to go to the gym three times a week. And then your subconscious is like, yeah, right. And then what happens? You don't go to the gym three times a week. Cause you're trying, like the writer's never going to override the elephant. But when we can integrate those together and it becomes just you, you just making the decision, then that is an internal compliance of like I'm making the decision for myself. And that's a very powerful place to live your life from. 

Lauren 07:04

And what's interesting is I'm really only finding myself with that split still.

Amber B 07:08

Yeah. 

Lauren 07:09

When I'm eating something that I did not make. 

Amber B 07:13

Say more about that. 

Lauren 07:14

So like for cookies, for example we held my family as a get together for my son's baptism last weekend. And we made everything. My husband and I made it everything. And I did not experience this. I made all the cookies. I made everything. And I was, I, yeah, I just like, I ate what I wanted to eat. I had as many cookies, excuse me, as I wanted to have. And I never found myself pausing. But anytime I'm in a social environment where I did not physically make the dessert, it's always sweets. That's where I find myself like contemplating like, do I eat it? Even if it's like a bowl of candy at someone else's house, it's the same scenario. 

Amber B 07:54

Great. What do you think is different in those you've identified that it's, you didn't make it, but like, there's a belief under there that I want to get to.

Lauren 08:04

And so I've gone back and forth of if it's that I'm missing out on something and I want to try it. And so I've tried like to take a bite and see what, see how I feel. And honestly, nine times out of 10, it doesn't taste that good.

Amber B 08:18

Yeah. 

Lauren 08:18

I still eat it. And so it's again, that scenario where I still paused and I had a bite and I acknowledged it still, it wasn't hitting the spot and I still eat it. Yeah. 

Amber B 08:29

And I still ate it because?

Lauren 08:32

My first instinct is maybe it's that like my, from my childhood where we had to like clear our plate, but that feels like an excuse. Like, I feel like it's deeper than that. I don't know if it's missing out on something. 

Amber B 08:49

Yeah. I mean, it's, it would be, it's interesting to me because if you tried it and it's not that great, then what are you missing out on? 

Lauren 08:57

Yeah. It almost makes me feel like it's like a, it's my like internal dialogue saying I'm going to be judged by whoever is in the room that I didn't eat it. And maybe I'm ungrateful because I didn't make it.

Amber B 09:15

Sure. So that's my own crap. 

Lauren 09:18

Yeah.

Amber B 09:18

Because I made it. But if I don't eat somebody else, is there an element of like wanting, not wanting them to feel bad? 

Lauren 09:27

Yeah. Because I've noticed that I don't have that guilt anymore. Like say if we go out to get like ice cream or something, I don't hesitate to say no. If I don't want it, I don't want it. I'll be like, no, I'll have a creamy when I get home. Cause it'll make me hit my goals. 

Amber B 09:39

Sure.

Lauren 09:40

But it's, it's when I'm in a scenario. Yeah. I guess it's only, it's mainly been in scenarios where someone has made something not necessarily for me, but yeah. Yeah. I guess that's where kind of where it lands.

Amber B 10:06

Is that where you think it is? 

Lauren 10:10

I think, but I'm not a hundred percent sure because the example that I had this weekend, no one was even around me. No one was even in the kitchen with me. It was just me.

Amber B 10:21

Yeah. 

Lauren 10:22

So why would that 

Amber B 10:23

Maybe, maybe try this? If I, if I don't eat the rest of this, then what? 

Lauren 10:34

I won't be sick the next day. 

Amber B 10:36

Yeah. Okay. That's the positive, but there's negative. If I don't eat this, then what bad thing will happen? 

Lauren 10:45

I could offend someone. 

Amber B 10:47

Okay. Yeah. So it comes, it comes back to that. Like I'm going to be judged or like I'm going to offend somebody or like bad. That's kind of what we keep coming back to. So, I mean, we can go down this road for sure. Um, what I would recommend, and this is again, like the observing of your thoughts is getting more information in the moment. So when this happens next time, as much as you can really stepping back and like watching yourself make this decision and like, why am I making this decision? What do I think is going to happen if I don't eat this? Like kind of working, watching your brain a little bit to see what comes up for you so that you can address it. So we can go down this road, but there may be more things that it's that we're not hitting on quite yet, but I would encourage you to use the next time that that happens to kind of watch your thoughts a little bit and see if there's more that we can pull out of like what you're telling yourself in the moment, how you're justifying it to yourself. Cause that will give us a lot of insight into the underlying beliefs that are driving the behavior that you're trying to change. 

Lauren 11:56

Cause the reason why like this specific example is what I'm trying to pinpoint is because it's, those examples are preventing me from wanting to go into a cut in the future because I know I will be traveling.And it seems like an area where I'm out of control and I'm like, okay, but I also need to challenge myself at the same time. There's always going to be instances where I'm at someone else's house and something's in front of me. Yeah.

Amber B 12:29

So if you are, if you are talking to a friend and your friend is saying, Hey, I'm, I'm only eating this food because I'm worried that I'm gonna be judged or somebody is going to feel bad that I didn't eat this food. What would you tell her? 

Lauren 12:43

Tell them their opinion doesn't matter. It's your food. You're consuming the food. 

Amber B 12:47

Yeah. Okay. So then what happens if you tell yourself that? 

Lauren 12:59

I think I go to where it's something I just don't want to have to explain to someone else. 

Amber B 13:04

Hmm. Okay. What if you did have to explain it to somebody else? What if someone said something? 

Lauren 13:15

I mean, I would just tell them that my, one of my priorities is to eat nutritious food. And I tried this and I don't think that, yeah, I don't want to eat it. 

Amber B 13:32

Yeah. And how do you think that would go? 

Lauren 13:36

Uh, I think majority of the people wouldn't care, but I think that there were some people in my family that would say, Oh, well you think that I don't make nutritious food. So I'm a junkie. And it just goes all down that rabbit hole that I don't want to open up. 

Amber B 13:50

Yeah. Yeah. And is that true? 

Lauren 13:54

That they eat like that or that I don't want to open it up? 

Amber B 13:56

Uh, that you, that you think that they eat like that or that you look down on them or,

Lauren 14:02

No, I mean, I don't care what you eat. 

Amber B 14:04

Yeah. So that's more of a reflection of how they feel about themselves. 

Lauren 14:12

Yeah. 

Amber B 14:14

I mean, I get not wanting to open up a can of worms, like totally get it. Uh, I think it is a good reflection of like, do I actually feel that way? Right. That's, that's the check-in with yourself. Because sometimes we do look down on other people or we do have that part of us that is like, Oh, you shouldn't like that. That judgmental part of us that we don't really like, but that's come up. So I think it's good to reflect on like, if you feel like someone's going to say that about you, do I do that? Am I judgmental? And if you can honestly say, no, I don't care. Then you can come back with full integrity and be like, no, this doesn't mean anything about you. This is just how I choose to have my food. Right. Where it gets dicey and it gets tricky is if there is a part of you that is judging them and they bring it up and you're trying to defend yourself in a, in a not full integrity type of way. And this happens a lot because I mean, listen, sometimes we aren't awesome. Sometimes we do our judgmental. Sometimes we like, I mean, we aren't perfect. Right. And so I do think that that opportunity for self-reflection is really important to be honest with yourself of like, this person is saying that they're feeling judged by me. Do I actually do that? And if I can say honestly, no, then I can come from a place of full integrity of being, this is not about you. This is about me. 

If there is some element of truth in that of like, I am kind of judgmental or I do kind of look down on my nose at people who eat certain foods and that's some work that you have to do yourself. Um, so I think anytime, I mean, there is this element of like, what other people think of me as none of my business. Yes. And other people can reflect back to us, uh, blind spots that we don't have. Yeah. So I think it, it, it bears consideration. The things, the feedback that we're getting, I think not all feedback is valuable, not all feedback you should take in, but I do think it is a moment of self-reflection of like, do I do that? Do I want to do that? Is that somewhere that where I haven't worked? Or is this something where they have work or maybe it's both? Does that make sense? 

Lauren 16:15

Yeah. Cause I know that like, specifically with like my immediate family, we have addressed like the negative words around food. Um, and sometimes it's taken as like, Oh, okay. I'm trying to improve it. Like for the next generation, for example. And then there, you know, there's also moments of the heat of the heat of the moment where it's taken offensively instead of saying like, instead of calling that junk, just say it's a snack or it's a, you know, it's something fun. Um, so I don't know if that's where like my defensiveness of not wanting to even say it anymore is coming from because you've had some negative experiences around it. 

Amber B 16:51

Sure.

Lauren 16:51

Um, and just not wanting to ruffle feathers, but to your point, if it's causing me to have internal grief between my two persons, then that may be more of a area. 

Amber B 17:02

So there's, there's another element of this as well is like, if that's really how you feel and you're like, I don't even want to open up that can of worms. Well, I mean, I guess you can tell me, cause in my mind, I'm like, well, you could just not even try a bite of it.  Like, yeah. If you don't want to like try a bite and then throw the rest of it away. And that makes you feel bad. Cause that person might feel bad that you tried something and didn't finish it. Um, then you could just choose not to have it at all. And then we kind of solve some of these problems as well. So I can't, you're kind of got to decide what, what's your heart. What, what do you, do you want to just like not eat it and not open that can of worms? Are you willing to have a bite and throw it away and deal with maybe the repercussions? Like what's, 

Lauren 17:45

Yeah. I didn't even think of not having it.

Amber B 17:50

Right. And that's an okay decision. It's an okay decision to be like, I don't want to open that can of worms. It's not worth it. It's probably not even that great. And I'm just like not even going to like engage with that. Cause I just don't want to, I just don't want to deal with that. That, that is a very, that's an, that's a fine way to deal with it. What is not a fine way to deal with it to be clear is like a, I can't have that. That would be bad if I had that, that would be like mess up my whole week. If I had that, that's not, that's not okay. That's not a great way to make a decision, but a very integrity filled way to make a decision is like, that's going to open up a can of worms. If I try that and I throw the rest away, I don't want to deal with that can of worms. So I'm just not going to eat it. And I'm fine and don't have to deal with any of that. That's an okay way to do it. 

Lauren 18:30

And no one will probably notice anyway. 

Amber B 18:32

And no one will probably notice anyway. Yeah. If you feel like you're going to call more attention to yourself with having a bite and not finishing it, then not having to bite it at all. Then maybe it's maybe you just deal with like not having to bite it at all. And you're fine with that. 

Lauren 18:45

And that may help me also address like the part of me that sometimes feels left out. Like if I don't even have it at all, if I reflect afterward and say like, did I feel like I missed anything? 

Amber B 18:55

Yes.

Lauren 18:56

If I did, then that's, that could be the opportunity to go back and try it. 

Amber B 19:01

Exactly. And what is so beautiful about how your, your brain is thinking about this right now is that it is not coming from a place of, I can't have that. Because I can't have that is always external, right? It's always like, it's like somebody else is telling me, I can't have that. Even if it's the other half of your brain is telling you, I can't have that. It's a, I'm deciding not to have it because I don't want to deal with the repercussions. It's probably not that great. Or like, I don't want to have that. That's, that is an empowered decision about, I don't want to have that. I don't want to deal with having that. And whatever's going to happen after that. I don't want to deal with that. That's empowered. I can't have that is restrictive. 

Lauren 19:44

Yeah. And that's, I feel like I moved away from the can't.

Amber B 19:48

Yeah. 

Lauren 19:48

You know, it's just more in the pausing is what, because I pause, I feel like I moved away from the can't side of it, but there's still a part of me that's like, why am I? 

Amber B 19:59

And I would be really careful too, because I can't have this because it's bad is one thing, but I can't have this because it's going to cause my family members to have issues is, is also bad. Like it's also, it's just, it's the same. I can't, you're just, but you're putting it onto someone else, right? That's what, I'm, that's what I'm saying. Where it's like, you're putting it onto, it's their fault that I can't have a bite of this because if I did and I threw it away, then it's going to be a whole thing. So it's their fault. I can't have it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's we don't want to go there. That's external, internal is like, I don't want to deal with the repercussions of having a bite and throwing it away. So I'm going to choose not to eat it. That's an empowered decision.

Lauren 20:43

Okay. Yeah. And I still think I need to work on the pause, maybe sit in the pause a little longer and see if anything else comes up too.

Amber B 20:51

Yeah. I think that's actually a really good next step for you is like, even just like, I'm going to take a two minute pause and I'm going to walk away and then I'm going to like really think about this and think about what I want and think about the outcome. One great question to ask yourself is like, how do I want to feel tomorrow? How do I want to feel and what decision right now is going to help me feel that way? 

Lauren 21:18

Yeah. Cause the positive and the negative side of it is like, I clean enough now that any type of slight overindulgence and sweets the next day I'm miserable. 

Amber B 21:29

Right. Right. And so then that, again, having that experience enough allows you to say like, it's not worth it to me. Like I'm not going to feel great tomorrow. I want to feel good. So again, I'm going to make the decision X, Y, and Z to be able to create the feeling that I want tomorrow. Uh, yeah. I mean, again, I made this point earlier, but like all decisions come with like pluses and minuses and it really, the more conscious we can be about working through those pluses and minuses and just being okay with the pluses and minuses, the more we can make decisions with full integrity, full consciousness. And then it's easier to own the things that are maybe negative about it than if we're externalizing that decision making process. 

Lauren 22:16

Yeah. It's easier to digest negative feelings I had towards myself than you know, other people's opinions. Okay. 

Amber B 22:25

Yeah. Makes sense? 

Lauren 22:26

Yeah, I think so. 

Amber B 22:28

Okay.

Lauren 22:29

Yeah. Thank you. 

Amber B 22:32

And then spend some time in that, like watching yourself as well and see if there's anything else that comes up as to like, why is a different scenario when it's your food versus someone else's food? Is there anything other than like the judgment of somebody else? Is there something different? I don't know that there's a difference. I'm just saying I would be curious about that if I were you.

Lauren 22:50

Yeah. I need to like write that down as a prompt to rethink of. Okay.

Amber B 22:57

Awesome. 

Lauren 22:58

Thank you.

Amber B 22:59

Thanks, Lauren!

Lauren's journey from you're not hungry to I'm not hungry might seem like a small shift, but it's actually revolutionary when you stop fighting against yourself and you start making decisions from an integrated place, everything changes. So here's what I want you to do. The next time you're reaching for food, I want you to pause and listen to how you talk to yourself. Are you saying I shouldn't eat this or are you saying you shouldn't eat this? Are you saying I shouldn't eat this or I don't want to eat this. Notice if it feels like an external voice telling you what to do or what you should do or what you need to do versus your own internal decision-making system guiding you. And remember, choosing not to eat something isn't restriction. It's empowerment. I can't have this or I shouldn't have this is very different from I'm choosing not to have this. I don't want this. One comes from fear. The other comes from power. 

Now, if you want more coaching like this, macros one-on-one opens enrollment just a few times each year. So I want you to get on the wait list at bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist. So you don't miss your chance to get this kind of personalized coaching support. That's all for this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber, now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.

Outro

Hold up sister friend. Do you love Biceps After Babies Radio? If so, the best way to say thank you is to subscribe to the podcast and leave a review on iTunes. I know every podcaster wants you to leave a review, but it's because those reviews help the podcast to reach more people. And I do truly want to know what you think. If this particular episode resonated with you, will you also please share it? Either send the link to someone who would find it valuable or take a screenshot and post it to your social media and tell your friends and family why they should listen. Make sure you tag me at biceps.after.babies so I can hear your feedback and give you a little love. And you know, if you aren't already following me on Instagram or Facebook, that's the perfect time to hit that follow button. Thank you for being here and listening to Biceps After Babies Radio.