383: Why You Keep Quitting and How to Stay Consistent for Good | Live Coaching Call

Introduction 

You're listening to Biceps After Babies Radio Episode 383.

Hello and welcome to Biceps After Babies Radio. A podcast for ladies who know that fitness is about so much more than pounds lost or PR's. It's about feeling confident in your skin and empowered in your life. I'm your host Amber Brueseke, a registered nurse, personal trainer, wife and mom of four. Each week my guests and I will excite and motivate you to take action in your own personal fitness as we talk about nutrition, exercise, mindset, personal development and executing life with conscious intention. If your goal is to look, feel and be strong and experience transformation from the inside out, you my friend are in the right place. Thank you for tuning in. Now, let's jump into today's episode.

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome back to another episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm your host, Amber Brueseke, and today we're getting real about one of the biggest obstacles that I see so many women face in their fitness journey. And it's honestly probably not what you think. It is not lack of time, it's not having kids, and it's not even knowing what to do. It's something called self-integrity. And when it's broken, it keeps you stuck in that start and stop and start again cycle forever. So, today I'm sharing a Coaching Call with Kayla that will show you exactly how to rebuild that trust with yourself, one small commitment at a time. So, if you relate and you're tired of being the person who has honestly all the great intentions, all the best intentions in the world, but you struggle with that follow-through, this episode is going to be a game changer. So let's listen to Kayla's breakthrough moment.

Amber B 01:48

Okay, how can I help? 

Kayla 01:52

So I have reached out to Coach Sarah. I see that you're on. Hey, Coach Sarah. A few times about how I keep quitting. She pointed out that it's not quitting if I keep coming back, but we're just going to call it quitting because that's easier. So I have this habit of I get excited. I make all of the plans, make myself a very busy to-do list because I'm going to accomplish all of these things, and then I get overwhelmed, and then I quit. And I've done it several times. I think I've done it four times now since I started 101 in the fall. And I also have an issue with self-integrity. So I'm very quick to let myself off the hook. I blame my kids even though I don't really know that it's a situation where like they actually need me. I will skip the workout because my kids might need me. I let myself off the hook with how heavy I'm lifting because I just have a baby and I'm getting back into it even though my baby is 10 months old now. And I'm getting back into it.

So I'm trying to go easy because I don't want to overdo it, but I'm sure that I'm a lot stronger than what I'm giving myself credit for. I even think self-integrity came up a few times for me in 101, and I just never really did anything with it. So here we are.

Amber B 03:24

Awesome. Okay. Can you give me an example of the pattern? Like I want to see the pattern where you said I start a habit, I get excited, I do make a busy to-do list, I get overwhelmed and quit. Can you give me an example of what that's looked like in real life? 

Kayla 03:40

Yes. So I will have the idea on Sunday that I'm going to meal prep and I'll pick out a few recipes that I'm going to cook and I buy the ingredients. And then I will say that I'm going to work out Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and I'm going to drink X amount of water. And I wanted to go back through 101, the new content. And since I'm doing all of this, I have paused my CrossFit membership and I'm going to work out at home. So I bought Build Your Workout, which I still haven't finished. So I like, I want to cook more. I want to meal prep. I want to redo 101. I want to do Build Your Workout. And I'll do great. Like Monday, I'll track all my food. I'll make one of my recipes. And then Tuesday rolls around and I forget to pack my lunch. So I eat out. And then Wednesday morning, I'll oversleep and not do my workout. And then I won't cook my other meal that I've bought all the groceries for. And we'll just eat leftovers. And then it's like it just kind of fizzled out. Like I have all these plans and intentions to do all of the things. And then I do great for like one or two days. And then by the end of the week, it's like I'm throwing away the groceries that I bought on Sunday for the meal prepping. And I missed two workouts. And it just kind of all fizzled out. I get very overwhelmed by all of this to do. 

Amber B 05:08

By all the to do's that you created. 

Kayla 05:12

Correct. Yeah. Because I'm going to accomplish all of the goals starting today. 

Amber B 05:16

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, even when you were saying all those things, I was already getting overwhelmed of like all the things that you were having to do. So..

Kayla 05:22

But it seems so exciting in the beginning. 

Amber B 05:25

Sure.

Kayla 05:25

It's like I'm going to be the new Kayla, today.

Amber B 05:29

Yes. Uh-huh. Yeah. And I think that's actually part of the problem is what you're trying to ride is a wave of excitement. And excitement is never going to be a very long wave. It's going to be a very short, it's like a little short ride. What we want to catch is the wave of habits and dedication. And that's a much longer wave, but it doesn't, it's not as high. It doesn't have as high of a high as the excitement. So I think just even like understanding that of like, there's nothing, nothing inherently wrong with what you're doing. You're just catching a very, a wave that goes up and then it crashes. And that's just what it does every single time. And that's the wave that you've been picking. And how can we now move from the wave of riding excitement as the motivator and move to the wave of dedication and longevity. So I'm sure this is not the first time you've thought about, Hey, I'm making a list of like so many things that I have to do at once. And that's, that's overwhelming me and crashing me out. What has prevented you from going to making a list of five things to do to focusing on one thing at a time? 

Kayla 06:43

Coach Sarah has brought this up to me twice. And I, I don't know. I feel like all of my goals are so closely related that like, if I'm going to work out three, for example, if I'm going to work out three days a week, I should just go ahead and finish, build your workout and build my blocks because that for whatever reason in my head makes the most sense. Like my workouts would be more beneficial if I did build your workouts and built a block instead of just going to the garage for 20 minutes to an hour and actually lifting the weight, which I like, as I say it, I understand that I'm just not working out because I'm waiting for the perfect routine, but that like, that's part of it. And then, um, I want to go through 101 again to refresh my memory, particularly on like reversing and maintenance, because in 101 I was in a cut and then I had sort of a failed really long reverse. And now I'm at maintenance when I'm tracking, but then I fall off tracking. Um, so I want to go through 101 with like the reverse maintenance mindset. So I need, I need to do that so that I can better understand like what I'm supposed to be doing. Um, I just feel like they're all closely tied together and it's kind of hard to do one without the other, which I know isn't true.

Amber B 08:17

Is that actually true? 

Kayla 08:20

No, it's not true. 

Amber B 08:21

Yeah. So then I'm going to come back to the question because I think this is a really important question for you to answer and to figure out. I know that logically, you know, that doing one goal at a time is going to be more effective. It's going to be less overwhelmed, more focused, and more able to accomplish the one goal. You logically know that.

Kayla 08:42

Yes.

Amber B 08:43

Yet you're not doing it. So there's a block, there's a subconscious block that's preventing you from doing it. And so that's what I want to dig into is what is, what is preventing you from logically? I know that picking one goal and just going all in it is going to be effective. What is preventing you from doing that? 

Kayla 09:04

I, I don't know. Um, I don't know if I can't just like prioritize the one thing that feels more important or feels like it will be better for me in the long run. Um, I don't, I don't know. Coach Sarah asked me the same thing and then I gave her that spiel about they're all interconnected. And so I might as well just do them at once, even though I like it, it has not worked for me for over a month now. 

Amber B 09:32

Yeah. What, what would happen if you, let's just take the example of three workouts a week. Okay. Let's just say that's your one goal. I'm just picking that randomly. What would happen if that was your only focus this next week and you let go of build your workouts, you let go of going through doing the meal prep, you let go of going back through MACROS 101. What would happen if you did that? 

Kayla 10:03

Um, I, I, I don't really know. Um, I mean, I guess I would work out three days a week in the week and that would be it. 

Amber B 10:19

And how would that feel? 

Kayla 10:23

Um, I would feel like probably I'm not doing enough. 

Amber B 10:27

Good. Okay. Now tell me more about that. 

Kayla 10:33

Um, I mean, when you say my goal would be working out three days a week, like I'm not tracking at all on MacrosFirst? 

Amber B 10:39

I, I mean, so what I'm looking at, there's, there's a body of things that you're already doing that are already habits. And then there are things that we're trying to add on to further your progress. Um, I'm talking about the things that you're trying to further add on is tracking one of those things that you need to add on, or is that something that's already a habit and you're already doing it? 

Kayla 11:01

That is something that I am struggling with current. 

Amber B 11:06

Great. Okay, cool. So that would be in the category of, this is something we're thinking about adding. So in response to your question, yes, it would be, I'm not tracking. I'm just focusing on the three, the three days. So what would your brain tell you in terms of that's not enough to do that? 

Kayla 11:22

Um, well, if I'm working out, I might as well track what I'm eating. 

Amber B 11:29

Okay. Um, do, can you see though, how, when you start layering those things, you become less likely to do all of them?

Kayla 11:38

Uh-hmm.

Amber B 11:39

So this is where we have to start to notice your, what your brain keeps telling you is like more is required, more things, more action, more doing is required. And this is where you have to remind yourself that no more is not the answer doing it consistently is and doing, trying to do all of the things at once is preventing you from that consistency, right? That's what you're telling me is like, you are not consistent with any of these things because you're trying to do all of these things. So if we move from a goal of more to a goal of consistency, does that shift your perspective in how you pick your goals? If your goal is, how do I do something consistently? Not how do I do the most possible? Does that shift your perspective at all on setting goals? 

Kayla 12:35

It, it does. And I don't know why it has not occurred to me to think of it from the goal should be consistency. It doesn't matter how I go about accomplishing consistency. I could pick any of those things and just focus on it being consistent instead of like, what's going to give me the best results or what's going to be the most beneficial, like the most beneficial thing would be to be consistent. 

Amber B 13:01

That's it. That's exactly it. You just said it perfectly. And I think about it when you talked about, well, if I'm going to do the three workouts a week, then I, then I might as well watch build your workout so I can build the most effective three days a week. And I see, I mean, I understand the logic, 

Kayla 13:17

Oh yeah.

Amber B 13:18

But when you understand that the goal is not to right now, the goal is not to build the most effective three days a week. The goal is to be consistent three days a week. You can't build effectiveness until you build consistency in anything y'all you can't build effectiveness until you build consistency. It's the same thing with tracking. It's the same thing with meal prep. It's the same thing with workouts. It's the same thing with sleep. It's the same thing with stress. It's like, it's the same thing with all of them. Y'all are trying to skip to most effective. And I get it. Like I, I want to be effective too, but we're missing that the most effective thing you can do in anything in your health journey is be consistent, being suboptimal, but consistent with suboptimal will produce you better results than effective every five days or every seven days or every three months. Like sometimes we do, does that make sense?

Kayla 14:14

It does.

Amber B 14:14

Okay. So if we reframe around this idea of your goal, Kayla is consistency, and then we can move to, how do I make it the most effective after we've developed the skill of consistency? What is the first thing that you want to focus on consistency with? 

Kayla 14:38

So this is where it gets tricky because I want to tell you, I want to tell you that my answer is working out because in the back of my head, I have tracked enough and long enough that I know roughly how much I eat. 

Amber B 14:56

Okay. 

Kayla 14:57

And so like, is that not a, not counterproductive? I don't know the word for it, but like, am I psyching myself out trying to accomplish two goals at once this way? Like if I know roughly how much I'm eating, then I don't really have to track it, but I'm aware of it, but I'm going to like pretend my focus is on working out. Does that make sense? 

Amber B 15:27

Good. So what I think, what I think you're doing and which I think is really smart is you, you know yourself a little bit and you know how you try to get away from yourself. And this is, this is half of the battle. Everybody is like starting to know how you tend to get away from yourself. We all do it to some extent. It's just how we do it. So we think about, and this is the kind of around the conversation that we had about self-integrity where you say, I really struggle with self-integrity. I'm the type of person who tends to really easily let myself off the hook. I don't hold myself to the fire very well. And I've talked about this before, how knowing ourselves, we tend to fall into one of two camps, one where we let ourselves off the hook really easily. And the other end of the spectrum is people who are like super perfectionistic and they're really hard on themselves. And to be clear, you're not one or the other. You tend towards one or the other in different areas of your life. So you, there are some, probably some areas of your guys' life where you tend to work more towards that perfectionistic. I find a lot of people like in work tend to be this way, like in work, they're really perfectionistic for other people. They're really perfectionistic, have a really high standard, able to hold themselves really high to whatever it is they say they're going to accomplish. But then there are other areas of your life where you tend more towards that grace. You're giving yourself a ton, a ton of grace. Maybe in this realm, it's the fitness realm. It's like you notice that. So I don't want you guys to pigeonhole yourself and say, well, I am always the person who's perfectionistic or I'm always the person who can see myself grace. It's not, it's more like what context are we talking about? And how do I tend to let myself off the hook? Because I will, I will give you a little inside secret. The people who are perfectionistic, it is a way for you to let yourself off the hook too. 

Okay. So we tend to think, oh, I'm like, I need everything perfect. Like I just have really high standards. I actually hold myself to higher standards than people who give themselves grace. No, no, no. It's still a way for you to get away from yourself. You're actually perfectionistic because you know, you can't ever achieve it. So then it gives you an out. Okay. So what I want you to see is that both ends of those spectrums have issues of getting away from themselves and have issues with self-integrity. It's not just the people who give themselves a ton of grace. It's also the perfectionist. So the key is knowing which one, how you tend to get away from yourself. And when I say get away from yourself, what I mean is that you, you set a goal and then you mess it up. You sabotage yourself. Like you're getting away from yourself. Part of you like wants to reach this goal. And then you do things to get away from yourself. Some of us tend towards the like, oh, I just give myself a ton, a ton of grace. And some of us tend towards perfectionists, but both of them are ways that we get away from ourselves. So what's really important is knowing yourself and which way you tend to slide to get away from yourself and being able to work with it. So Kayla, the reason I bring this up is because I think you know yourself and you know, that like the way you tend to get away from yourself is like giving yourself a lot of grace or finding those loopholes of ways to like let yourself off the hook.

And so what you're doing here is you're saying, Hey, I'm creating this goal. I'm thinking through it, but I know the way that I'm going to try and get away from myself. I've done this enough that I know that I'm going to try and like sneak two goals in there because there's still this belief that like more is better. And that if I'm doing this thing, I might as well be adding this thing. So I think that's really, that's really smart is knowing yourself. So let's work through how you would talk to your brain. Cause this is a little bit about like, like talking to another person. Like you're talking to this other part of your brain. That's that it's the subconscious part of your brain. It's driven on these beliefs that it still sounds like you're holding onto this belief that more that you have to do more to be able to be successful. That you have to line up the things and that that's going to create success. What does it actually create when you do that? 

Kayla 19:29

Um, I mean, just more things to do that I ended up not doing.

Amber B 19:34

Okay. So more things actually equals what? 

Kayla 19:38

What do you mean? 

Amber B 19:41

In your brain, currently there is an, an equal sign or equals more successful, more things equals more successful. Now you're starting to realize that more things equals what? 

Kayla 19:56

Less success.

Amber B 19:57

It's actually less successful. 

Kayla 19:59

I mean, I ended up doing, I ended up doing nothing. I focus on everything, which means that I get nothing done.

Amber B 20:06

Yes. It's like trying to chase too many rabbits. You try to chase two rabbits and you catch neither one of them. 

Kayla 20:12

Yes, yes.

Amber B 20:13

So it's helping to refocus your brain because it has, it's been in this like line of like more equals more success, more things equals more success, more doing equals more success. And what we're doing is starting to rewrite that and starting to counter that belief with no more equals less success, more equals less consistency. And what I really need is not more things to do. What I need is less things to do with more consistency. So that becomes the new goal is how can I do less, but better. 

Kayla 20:45

Yeah.

Amber B 20:46

Okay. So if our focus, if your focus now is how can I do less, but better, what would you like to focus on first? I'm not saying we won't focus on the other things later. I'm saying, what would you like to focus on first? 

Kayla 21:04

I mean, working out, working out seems to be the thing that I struggle with more.

Amber B 21:13

Fantastic. So what we want to do is to do like build the consistency with working out. And what we're also going to do with this is you're going to start to build some of that self-integrity. What happens? I mean, if you think about this relationship with yourself and you think about if this was a relationship with somebody else and every time you talk to this other person and you agreed that they were going to do something and then they didn't follow through the first time you'd be like, what the heck? But then you do it again. And then they didn't follow through again. And then they didn't follow through again. What would your relationship be like with that person who wasn't following through? Would you trust them in the future? 

Kayla 21:56

No. 

Amber B 21:57

No. And that's kind of the relationship you've built with yourself of how you don't trust yourself to follow through. That's that lack of self-integrity that you were talking about. So then the question becomes, how do we build that? And you build it just the same way as you would rebuild a relationship with somebody else. If that other person came to you and was like, okay, Kayla, I've messed up. I'm sorry. I know I've fallen through. I'm really ready to change. You would probably say, okay, I don't quite trust you yet, but let me give you this really little thing to do that doesn't really matter. And let's see if you follow through on that. And then if they follow through on that, you'd probably be willing to give them another little thing. And then if they follow through that, then another thing, and then that's how you build a relationship. That's how you build trust with somebody else who has broken that trust. It's the same thing with yourself. 

That's really what you're trying to rebuild right now is rebuild that self-trust with yourself, that self-integrity. And you have to start small. You have to start with something little so that you can start to trust yourself a little bit more. And so something like, and I know it feels small, but that's actually kind of the point is like, I'm going to work out three times this week. That is my only goal this week. I am a hundred percent committed to making that happen. And here's how I'm going to make it happen. And then you execute on that. And now you've put, you've built a little self-trust and then we do it again and we build a little bit more self-trust. That is how self-trust is built, but you're trying to build self-trust by throwing 17 things at yourself. When you've proven in the past that you can't do it, but you don't do it, that you don't follow through. And that just makes the spiral deeper. That just makes the lack of self-trust deeper. We got to, we got to turn it around and we do that small and simple. So what are, what is going through your mind right now? What are you present to? 

Kayla 23:55

So my initially goal was to work out Monday, Wednesday, Friday in my gym at home before work. Yesterday morning, I missed my workout because I overslept and then so I can still get Wednesday and Friday, but then it's like, well, do I make up the workout that I missed? I'm traveling this weekend. How am I going to do that? Am I going to start this week off already? Not being able to be consistent. 

Amber B 24:20

Good. Okay. So what I would like to reframe with, um, um, integrity. So this is a really important conversation around integrity. Integrity is not always keeping your word. It is when you know that you can't keep your word, you fix it. Okay. So an example, example of this would be what you just said is like, I want to build self-trust and integrity with myself. Yesterday, something happened. Things are going to happen. That's good. That's life. Integrity looks like I wasn't able to accomplish it. So how am I going to make that right? Outside of that. And, and, and how am I going to like, you said three workouts this week, and I know you planned Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but really the commitment is to three workouts. That's the commitment. And so now we missed what our plan was, but now what is your new plan to still hold fast to that commitment to three workouts and what could that look like? And how can you get outside of the box that you've probably created in your mind that a workout looks like a warmup, 30 minutes of lifting, the 20 minutes of cardio and like a cool down, right? Um, how can you get out of that box and hold to your commitment of, I committed to workout three times this week, said another way, here's another way for you to think about it. Kayla, I'm going to pay you a thousand dollars. If you work out three times this week, how are you going to make it happen? 

Kayla 25:55

For sure. A list Wednesday and Friday. Um, and then the other one, I don't know why I'm so paralyzed by, um, 

Amber B 26:09

Well, this is good. This means this is a good thing to address.

Kayla 26:12

Yeah, for sure. 

Amber B 26:13

I have a thousand dollars. You only get it. If you add one more workout, how are you doing it?

Kayla 26:19

Yeah. Um, I don't, I, I don't, I don't know why this hard. Um, today is a very busy day. I will get home late, so I will need to work out Thursday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. 

Amber B 26:34

Okay. Is there any question in your mind about your commitment of being able to make it happen on, on Thursday? 

Kayla 26:41

Um, the only, I can, I can do it Thursday for sure. The only question is, do I try to get up in the morning and do it? Um, normally on Thursdays, I have a 7 a.m. meeting. So getting up earlier is not always super easy. So then do I just do it Thursday afternoon, but then that's hard because I have small children. Um, 

Amber B 27:08

The way that I would be thinking about this is what is more, what is more likely to fall? I'm more likely to follow through. I think your question in your mind is, which is easier. And I don't necessarily think that's the right question. I think the right question is, which is more likely to happen. 

Kayla 27:35

Probably getting up earlier. 

Amber B 27:39

Yeah. So then even if that's a little bit harder, it's more likely to happen. Now, one thing that I want to work with you on, because I'm glad that we figured this out, right. We figured out this, this is the sticking point, right. Is like your brain thinks more is better. And your brain also is very set on, um, a definition of a workout. I can tell because we gave no other parameters to this goal other than three workouts a week. And even the fact that you said, I can't get a workout in today already tells me that like, we're not, we're not, we have a very rigid idea of what a workout could be. A workout could be a 10 minute walk around the block. 

Kayla 28:26

Yeah. It's funny because I thought I had made a lot of progress in this. I think I posted not long ago that I had a wind of, I did 10 minutes on the Peloton. Like, like that was it. Like the goal was to do, you know, a 40 minute ride or something. And then the kids went to bed late and it was 8:30. And I was about to get in the shower and realize that I hadn't ridden. And I looked at the bike and it's like, I'm just going to do 10 minutes. And like, I was so proud of that. And yet that was one moment that I haven't done that in the past month again. And I've written all these posts about how I feel like such a failure because I'm not getting my workouts in. And yet there was literally one, one bike guy that the only, the only purpose of getting on it was I said, I was going to do it. So I did it.

Amber B 29:19

Right. And that, that's what I'm trying to build. That's the weak muscle in you. 

Kayla 29:24

For sure.

Amber B 29:24

The weak muscle in you is not your biceps. The weak muscle is, I said, I was going to do this and I'm going to do it. 

Kayla 29:32

Yeah. 

Amber B 29:32

That's the weak muscle. That's what we're training. And that's why it doesn't matter if it's a 10 minute bike ride, a 10 minute walk around the thing, six sit-ups like that. It like what you do right now is not the thing. The thing is following through and building that integrity with yourself. And so if I were you and I'm trying to build this integrity with myself, this may look like the conversation that I would have with myself. I'm working today. I missed yesterday's workout. I'm working today. I have a really busy day. I, I would like to work out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. That's kind of my plan in place. I would like to lift those three days because I am so committed to, I'm going to work out three days a week, regardless. I'm going to go for a 10 minute walk today or a 10 minute Peloton so that I can, this is one of my workouts and I'm getting it in so that I can mark it off and like build that consistency with myself. And I, I'm going to, I'm going to plan to get up early on Thursday morning, but if something happens and it didn't, I still have those three workouts in. Right. So what I'm doing is I'm still working with myself. I'm staying committed to the three workouts that I've had. And I'm trying to push myself a little bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with planning for a workout on Thursday and doing Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But I think where you get in trouble is when you create plans like that, and then they fall through because life just happens and you don't have the practice and you don't have the ability to like scale back on your very rigid parameters of what the goal is or should be. And that gets you stuck. 

And now you're between a rock and a hard place and you can't do the full workout, but you're trying to build self-integrity with yourself. And now you've like gone, getting away from yourself again. And then you fall into that cycle that you're very familiar with. Does that make sense? Do you see that? So, so, and it's a little tricky. I will say Kayla, because your way that you get away from yourself is that you tend towards grace. So I could totally see how it's a little tricky in your mind to be like, am I doing 10 minutes? Because I'm just, I'm just giving myself grace or am I giving myself 10 minutes? Cause I'm trying to build self-integrity and otherwise I wouldn't be doing it. 

Kayla 31:44

Yeah. Yeah. My exact thought work is a 10 minute Peloton kind of my, like my out, like it's easy. It's like, I mean, it checks the box, but doesn't really count. 

Amber B 32:00

Sure. That's right. Okay. So here's how I would like you to work through this, because this is a step-by-step process. This is not the end destination. What I want you to recognize is, is that may be a way that you tend to get away from yourself. It may be, but right now you're not doing anything. 

Kayla 32:17

Yeah.

Amber B 32:18

Okay. So when we compare it to what hasn't, you haven't been doing anything, the 10 minutes is going to be more than you've done in the past. And what we're doing is again, we're just trying to build that little consistency, that little self-integrity. We're giving you a little thing to do and we're checking the box and that's the muscle I'm helping you to build. Now that's not the end destination. I do think getting yourself to like commit to three, 30 minute lifting workouts a week is a great place to end up, but we have to get there step-by-step, right? We've got to build the consistency and the self-trust with yourself. So you learn what it feels like to hold yourself to the fire, even if it's only 10 minutes, and that's going to develop that muscle so that you're going to be able to be much better at getting to that point of like, okay, I, I can notice that I, I tend to like be like, well, I can't do the 30 minute workout. So I'm going to sit in a 10 minute and I'm doing that a lot. Now I'm going to push myself the next step and I'm going to move to the workouts.Does that make sense? But what you're trying to do, and this is what so many of us try to do is you're trying to talk from zero to 10 and then wondering why you keep going back to zero. It's like, let's go from zero to five or to build that trust with yourself. And then we can jump from five to 10. I want to get you doing three, you know, hour long workouts or whatever it is that your ultimate goal is. I want to get you there. But the ladder you're trying to climb right now to get you there is not, is not working for you.

Kayla 33:41

Yeah, for sure. 

Amber B 33:45

Okay. What are you, what are you pulling away from this or what are you taking away from this conversation? 

Kayla 33:52

Um, so my, my goal is literally just work out three times a week. Um, the feeling would be three lifting sessions, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, like get up at six, go to the garage, do it before work. Um, I feel the need to come up with a backup plan. Um, 

Amber B 34:15

Well, that's your, that's your ceiling goal. So what's your floor you said? 

Kayla 34:20

Um, I hadn't, I hadn't gotten there yet because I'm trying to figure out if I'm already giving myself an out. 

Amber B 34:28

Okay. Um, I know why you're saying that, but again, I want to point out that you're doing more than you were doing previously. So let's focus on again, the muscle that we're trying to build is the self-integrity and the follow through, what you do matters way less to me right now. Okay. 

Kayla 34:45

So should I just say like for three days a week, I will work out for 10 minutes?

Amber B 34:50

Yes. And that's a great floor goal. Now, again, we have a floor and a ceiling. It's like, yeah, shoot for the three full workouts. Love it. But my, but my floor and I will not go below this floor. This is, this is a self-integrity piece. It's like, I'm not going to let myself come hell or high water. Someone gets sick. Like I can work out three times a week, 10 minutes, right? It's like, nothing is going to be able to prevent me from doing that. That becomes the self-integrity piece. And now we can shoot for something higher, but we, the self-integrity is that floor that we've created for ourselves. And now I would love for you over time to be able to move that floor up. Right. And I think you can be able to do that, but you have to remind yourself that like your floor has been zero workouts. So we're moving four from zero workouts to three, 10 minute workouts. That's 30 minutes more than you were doing previously. And then we can continue to move that floor up again, as you build that trust with yourself that you're going to follow through, but that's the weak muscle. That's what we got to build with you. And when you build that muscle, now, everything is open and available to you right now. You can do whatever it is that you want to set your mind to. And you trust yourself that you're going to follow through. But so many of us have that trust has been broken so many times that we make ourselves smaller. We set lower goals. We fall into this pattern that you've fallen into of like starting and stopping and quitting and restarting again and building that self-trust with yourself is the key to be able to out of that. Okay. The last piece that I want to offer you that will be helpful for this is a reward. So our, we're just like dogs or toddlers. We love a good reward. Our brain loves a good reward. So you can help yourself with like my ceiling is, you know, three days a week lifting workouts. My floor is three days a week, 10 minutes at least. And when I accomplish that, my reward at the end of the week is going to be what? 

Kayla 36:50

I have no idea. I'm not good at it. I'm not good at reward.

Amber B 36:53

Yet. You're not going to get it yet.

Kayla 36:55

Not yet. No. 

Amber B 36:57

Okay. Well, what would feel, what would feel like a little treat, like a little indulgence for you? A moment. It doesn't have to be big, a moment of like celebrating yourself. 

Kayla 37:13

I don't, I don't know. I got, I got nothing. 

Amber B 37:16

Good. Okay. Then this is also an area of working on, and this is very common with a lot of moms, especially a lot of women. We are really good at like doing and giving for other people. And when we have to turn it back to ourselves and say, well, what do I like? What is relaxing for me? What is rejuvenating for me? We're like, uh, I have no idea. Okay. So it's an opportunity that you get to do a little bit of work of figuring out what, what is filling for you? What is exciting for you? What is fun for you? Um, I, I, I will give you some ideas of things that have worked for me, have worked for some other clients. Um, I think you guys can drop things in the chat as well. If you guys have ideas of, of little, again, it's just like ways to mark your success ways to like, give your brain just a little bit of dopamine, a little bit of a reward, um, to encourage that behavior. Uh, so I, I mean, I love just sitting down like in my backyard with like a cold diet Coke and like silence, like that's one of my favorite things to be able to do. Uh, like going into the, the like bath or like taking a nice bubble bath. Um, Hannah said, pedicure, facial, bubble bath, dad doing bedtime for all the kids. Oh, that's such a good one. An hour at a coffee shop by myself to read, go to the bookstore alone and have coffee, signing up for yoga class at the studio. Um, I sometimes will even do something silly, just like, like write it out. Like I am proud of myself for accomplishing X, Y, and Z. And you know, like it doesn't have to, it doesn't have to be anything big. It can be also just telling somebody posting it in the group, telling a friend who like is waiting for you to, to, um, follow up on your commitment. Uh, Anna said a new workout top. Um, so it doesn't have to be any, it doesn't have to be anything big, but I do really, I want to push you on that, of figuring out what is something that feels good. What's something that feels good to me. 

Kayla 39:15

Um, I do like posting and that's easy and I don't know, it doesn't take long to do it. Um, I would take a bubble bath. Will I actually do it? I don't know. But, um, that's a whole, but that sounds fun.

Amber B 39:32

That's a whole another coaching conversation about why you, um, but I want it to be something that the parameters for this are something that feels good and feels exciting to you. Right. Cause you want it to be something of like, gosh, okay. It's hard. I'm doing this workout. I don't really want to do it. I'm following through because I said I was going to do it. And because when I do it, I get a bubble bath at the end or I get, uh, you know, take myself for a pedicure or whatever it is. Um, but yeah, it's just like that little dopamine, even Jen said, I literally pat myself on the back. So it's like what we're looking for is just a little bit of like a little dopamine rush of like, you did it. It's just like when you, your dog does something and you give them a treat and they just like that reinforces that behavior of like, Oh, that was good. That felt good. I'm going to do that again. Our brains are wired that that way to go back for that positive reinforcement. So then you're just looking for something that feels good. That feels exciting for you. I whisper to myself, I like that one. 

Kayla 40:36

I like that too. 

Amber B 40:37

Yeah. Um, man said, give myself a high five or dance party. That's super fun. Uh, I started being diligent about posting in the group of sharing wins. So I start to train my brain to be proud and get a little dopamine hit. Those are all great ways, but I really like, this is such a, um, a brain hack. It's just a way to work alongside with the way that your brain just naturally functions in programs is setting a goal, having a ceiling, having a floor, and then having a reward for doing it.

And you're much more likely, 

Kayla 41:05

So, how, how long do I work on this until I add another goal or increase my floor goal? 

Amber B 41:17

Good. Great question. Uh, you know, there's no like one standard time. This is where there's a little bit of like self-reflection of like, was that too easy for me? Am I ready to like move it up? Um, and I would recommend that you move it up somewhat slowly. So it's like, if this is weak, you're like, Oh my gosh, it was super easy to get like three, 10 minute workouts in. I'm not pushing myself at all. What you're looking for. If we think about a box and we think about this as your comfort zone. And when you step outside of the comfort zone, there's a little bit of discomfort. When you step way outside of the comfort zone, your brain freaks the heck out and wants to move, like retreat back to the comfort zone. So the goal isn't to move you way out of your comfort zone. The goal is to move you just a little bit out of your comfort zone. So if you go through this week and you're like, there was no discomfort, it was super easy. I was not uncomfortable at all. It was not hard at all. Then we're probably not at the right dosage. So then we move it up a little bit. And what you're looking for again, is you're looking for a little discomfort. If you're never having a conversation with yourself about reaching the goal or like pushing yourself or like then we're not, we're not quite there in terms of like that, that growth zone, we're looking for you to step outside of your comfort zone, have it be a little bit challenging, but right now it doesn't need to be too challenging. Like we don't want to push you too far. Um, but that's what we're looking for.

And that's how we continue to grow over time is you're always just looking for just that edge of a little bit of discomfort, not a lot, not a ton. That doesn't, that doesn't work. Not 15 things of discomfort, just a little bit of discomfort. So we won't want it to be like super, super easy. We don't want it to be really hard, just a little bit of discomfort. And that's how you know, you're right in that ideal growth zone, because what happens is you step outside of your comfort zone just a little bit, it's uncomfortable. And then your comfort zone grows. And now what used to be uncomfortable will be comfortable. And pretty soon as we continue to do that, Kayla, three workouts a week, 3, 60 minute lifting workouts a week is going to be within your comfort zone. It's going to feel really easy. And that's when we know, okay, now we can start to add something else. Let's layer something else on. That's really easy. I got that going. I don't really have to think about it. It's not hard. Now let's think about the next step. And that's how we start to layer on those habits that then become really easy. And it's like easy to keep all the balls in the air because most of them are just flying on their own. And you're really just focused on one specific ball at a time. And the other ones just keep kind of going.

Kayla 43:54

That makes, I mean, that makes sense. 

Amber B 43:57

Okay. What is your commitment to yourself? I just want you to..

Kayla 44:04

To work out more.

Amber B 44:06

Yep. I just want you to say it verbally out loud. What is your commitment to yourself? 

Kayla 44:10

Um, I will, I will work out three times this week. My floor goal is at least 10 minutes and my ceiling goal would be three, like lifting workout. 

Amber B 44:22

Awesome. And what's your reward for when you do that? 

Kayla 44:26

Um, I will post in circle and probably a bubble bath because that sounded pretty nice.

Amber B 44:31

Yes. Okay. And I mean, what's really fun is like, we're all, it's like a reality TV show. We're like, don't leave us hanging. 

Kayla 44:37

We’re all invested.

Amber B 44:38

We're all invested and we all are going to be waiting for, uh, for that post because we all just went through this, this journey with you. So we're really excited. Yeah. 

Kayla 44:49

Okay. 

Amber B 44:50

Okay. Thanks Kayla.

Wasn't Kayla's vulnerability incredible? This is exactly why I love sharing these Coaching Calls because when one woman has the courage to share her struggles, it helps all of us realize we're not alone. If you heard yourself in Kayla's story, I want you to know you're not broken. You're not lacking willpower. You just need a different approach. And the women inside MACROS 101 get this kind of coaching support every single day. And it's why they finally break through those patterns that have kept them stuck for years and years. 

If you want to learn more about joining our next round of MACROS 101, head to bicepsafterbabies.com/waitlist. And please, if this episode helped you, share it with a friend who needs to hear this message, sometimes we just need permission to start small and maybe you can be the one to give that to someone today. Thank you so much for being here. That is a wrap on this episode of Biceps After Babies Radio. I'm Amber. Now go out and be strong because remember my friend, you can do anything.

Outro

If you've ever wondered what it actually looks like for me to coach you through your weight loss journey, here's your answer. Some of my most powerful podcast episodes aren't interviews or my solo rants. They're real raw coaching calls straight from inside MACROS 101. You'll hear women just like you working through plateaus, perfectionism, and the I'm doing everything but nothing's working spiral. These live coaching shows show you exactly what it sounds like to break through the mental junk that's been keeping you stuck.

So if you're even a little bit curious about what it would be like to be coached by me, or if you're thinking about joining MACROS 101, these episodes are a must listen. So here's your next move. Scroll back through the podcast feed and look for titles that end in Live Coaching Session. Start there. You'll walk away with more clarity, more strategy, and maybe even that one mindset shift you didn't even know that you needed. All right, I'll see you in the next episode.